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(The following is strictly my opinion from observations/experience of over 65 years of gay life.)

There is a gay stereotype very seldom discussed outside of the gay world though it effects many a nongay relationship and that is of the gay married man married to a woman. Woman have written books about the situation as have gay men who have tried to explain why they married and/or why some are still married. Actually it didn’t come before the public until movies like “Brokeback Mountain”, “Language of the Cranes”, etc., were shown on the big screen.

It has been MY experience that gay men married because: 1) a ‘family’ man stood a better chance of being promoted at work 2) they wanted to ‘hide’ being gay 3) they wanted kids 4) they loved the woman they married 5) knew something was ‘wrong’ (usually their word) but didn’t realize it until after they were married and had kids 6) it was expected of them.

I have met many gay men who divorced after their kids had grown up or the wife found out. Many were in their 50s, 60s and had spent a life of sneaking into highway rest stops, X rated bookstores with booths, X rated movie cinemas or attending ‘orgies’ (which is a whole other post), going to steam baths, cruising parks, public restrooms, etc., though today many will meet sex partners on the Internet.

Some have stayed married because: 1) they didn’t want to come out of the closet 2) were afraid how their children and/or friends would react 3) they were comfortable with having a ‘home’ 4) were too financially interwoven with their spouse 5) were afraid of living alone 6) had ‘arrangements’ with their wife.

There is no way of knowing how many married men are gay just as there is no way of knowing how many gay men there are. Figures have ranged from 1% to 16% of the population but even in today’s so called more ‘open’ society I am willing to bet more men are still in the closet than those who are openly ‘out’ so there could be a way higher percentage than is being guessed at by the ‘experts’.

A few years ago there was a big deal in the Black community about men being on the ‘down-low’--having sex with other men--but I have known married men, Black, White and every other color, doing that since I first started having sex many decades ago.

Being married, having children, leading a double life can cause a lot of strain and stress on a gay person and more than one has expressed the ‘relief’ they found after coming out and, in most cases, getting divorced and living openly. Some have ended their life because they couldn’t deal with it and their obituaries never mentioned that aspect of their life. In many cases the wife knew but it was never something they discussed.

By the way most married gay men, divorced or still married, I have met state they are gay, do not claim to be bisexual and are what is known as ‘bottoms’ in the gay vernacular. Those who are married have become very comfortable with anonymous sex or, like nongay married men, have one person, or a few, they see on a regular basis.

Just recently there was a ‘case’ of a married preacher with 5 kids was, pardon the pun, exposed after being found out looking for other males to have sex on a popular sex site. He is not the first and certainly won’t be the last.

I know one gay man, married, without children, who stays married because as unhappy and miserable as he may be and he knows his wife is too, they are more afraid of being alone. She more than he always talks about how much they are in love and yet no one is fooled. Everyone knows their story and just plays along and she ignores that he comes home late because he had car trouble or had to work overtime or the hundred of excuses he will give. I once knew a guy who came over to my place on Wednesdays who told his wife he was going to Weight Watcher meetings!

As I said these are my opinions, my experiences and all I can say unless you are with your spouse 24/7 you both have to get tested for AIDS! That is the reality of life and more than one woman has sworn her husband loves her, that she trusts him and that he would never cheat on her only to find out she doesn’t know him.

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