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Lost - Love and Romance

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I haven't talked to anyone about this but I have gotten myself into a big mess. It started with my gf. She's 16 years older than me. We tried for 10 years to get together, but I ran. Finally 11 years ago we finaly admitted and gave into our attraction. The first 4 years were great. I had the best time of my life with her. But in the 5th year she started going through the change that all women will go through sooner or later. She stopped wanting to have sex. It was a very ruff time for her. We walked the floor night after night. She would cry one min. then the next she was laughing, or mad. This went on for 2 years. I remained faithful. Then it went on 4 years and she still wasn't interested in sex. I did everything to try and get her attention. At 5 years I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I felt unattractive. Then one night I thought well, I'll try again. So when I got out of the shower I walked into the kitchen, still wet and naked. She looked at me and simply said you should dry off dinners almost ready. And she turned her back to me. I was humiliated. I tryed to fight back the tears but I couldn't. I got dressed and went in the living rm and I just sat there watching her, and crying. My heart was so broken. See, I loved her unlike anything I had ever felt. But that night something inside me died. I found myself not wanting her sexually anymore. In the 7th year of having sex only with myself i found myself needing the touch of another woman. I am a very sexual person, so this was so hard. I wanted to touch the soft skin of another woman. To feel a passionate kiss. So I told my gf that things had changed and I wanted to see other women. Her answer was "Go have all the sex you want but just make sure you come home to me." I owned a bar at the time so meeting women was easy. So I started meeting a couple of different women at hotels. My gf knew it. I was honest with her. It didn't seem to be a big deal. Then one night we were having womens night at the bar. There was this one girl that really caught my eye. Turned out we had a mutual friend. He introduced us. We talked alittle. But I had to leave. She asked for my # and I said no but I'll take yours. So I got her # and called her the next day. From that day on we talked to each other on the phone or on line. The conversation of course was about sex. She wasn't very experanced she said. and she had never been in a serious relationship. She told me her fantasy and I couldn't resist it. We made plans to meet. Her fantasy was for someone to use a strapon. Well, I have to say I love to use strapons. That night was so erotic and so hot. It was some very pent up sexual desires. I didn't plan on seeing her again, but I couldn't help myself. We got together every chance we could. The sex was so .......... Anyway, my gf found out that i was having more than a sexual relationship with this lady. She went nuts. Anyway, In the middle of all of this I closed my bar. Money got tight. and I ended up lossing my home. So I moved. But I needed help with the rent and bills. And the lady I was seeing was looking for a place. So she and I decided to move in together. We had been seeing each other for 2 years by this time. Well, she moves in and so does my exgf. My exgf now all of the sudden wants me back. Meanwhile, this other lady is telling me how much she loves me. They both know about each other. My ex will not move. She follows me everywhere I go. She will not get a job. So she sits at home all day alone. Then when I come in from work she demands that I sit with her so she will have someone to talk to. Plus she keeps coming onto me. It's just not there anymore. And to be honest I'm not ready for another relationship with this other lady. I am so Lost and confused. What the hell am I going to do?????? HELP


well personally i have been in a similer situation. my ex wanted me back after being an ass and then going back to one of her ex's. me and my new Gf owned the house we were all living in and it was a stressful POS existance up to the day we couldn't take it no more and kicked her and her bf out. took us three months to do this and yes it hurt like hell to do it, but i have to say the results were for the best in my situation. in your situation i might sugest some group theripy if you are wanting your ex to be able to get along with your new fling and to back off. if this is not an option (you know how she'd take such a suggestion or how you'd all react) the only other thing i could think of would to be to kick her out. if she refuses to go call the cops and have her evicted. you can do this as long as isn't on the lease. i don't know if this is helpfull or hurtfull, but it is all i can think of to sugest in the situation.


damn it Robin...that is really tough girl....Things just kinda got out of hand somewhere along the line and you are being passive about alot of this cause you did love this woman , And now I think she can't beleive that you would have actually moved on...that's why she is clinging so tightly. Man I have to think about this...you are in a voulgarious situation and Im not sure there is any good answer at all to this situation. Maybe you need to move out and get a new perspective on what you want...leave the ladies alone for a bit and just reflect...Im sure the solution will come...but maybe at a price sweety....Good luck


Thanks for supporting me. I did tell her that as soon as the lease is up I will be moving to Destin Fl. I've got to get out of this town...... And I do think it would be best for my sanity to get away from both. I letmy ex live with us because she had nowhere to go and she lost everything she had also. I felt I needed to be there to help her through. But I just can't take anymore.


Dear Robin, I'm sorry for all you are going through. I have been asexual for years, mostly due to my health (I can't even masterbate, nothing happens). The partner I was with at the time, I would please her, for her, but she wouldn't even try with me (just because I had no interest in sex, didn't mean I didn't like to be touched, ie hug, kiss, stroke my face & my bare kin in admiration). I agreed to an open marriage, feeling it wasn't fare for her to lose out on sex. It worked for while, till she fell for another woman, and then I was alone. I still am. Do I wish a woman in my life, yes, but it is better to be alone than unhappy together. (I am sorry you lost your bar & home!) Robin, please, keep faith, somehow, someway, someplace things will work out for you! Of the pain you are living through, know that you can & will survive it, come out better & stronger by it at some point when you are ready for it! Goddess Bless!


I relate to Rebekka's story, apart from allowing an open relationship with a partner.

I feel for you Robin, but I agree with the action you plan on taking. I think you have so much going on in your head that you can't make sense of anymore (too many past, current, thoughtful, practical, and many other confused emotions involved) and way too much happening to your heart.

You did deserve better the many times you reached out to be seen as attractive by your long term partner. The massive blows you took take time to heal and sex and even something a little more, the seeming acceptance and desire of someone else isn’t going to change the pain inflicted from such a long time love.

At the end of the day, only you can make yourself whole again. And happy and ready to start over and I don’t think, nor would I expect that that will happen very quickly. Deep wounds do take time to repair and it sounds like you need to take time to put you first on a spiritual level. You found an answer to no sex, but you didn’t find one to the extreme committed love, unconditional love that you lost along the way also.

I wish you the least amount of intolerable pain in finding your way again.


Thank you for such kind and true words. I know that I'll be leaving soon. And she will no longer be there everyday for the last 11 years. The thought of it brings on so much pain in my heart and soul. I am 41 and she has been in my life for 20 of those years. We were friends for a long time before we became partners. Fear grips me. How do you say good-bye.


What you wrote sounded at many times a lot like a co-dependent relationship and there is something freeing and profound about finding your way out of that type of relationship.

You say goodbye because you need to, but also because there has to be a part of you that wants to, so that you can find the happiness you had once upon a time. Whether it be alone or with another partner. I don't know if you've seen the movie 28 days, but I suggest that you don't end up in another relationship until you can keep a plant alive for a year (that theory at the end of getting sober in that movie). Needn't be that specific, but you may get the gist. Not a pet to direct you love at to feel better, but something that you are responsible for, as well as yourself.

You really did start a long term relationship very young and maybe if you were 19/20 now you wouldn't make the same decision. You'd not end up with someone so much older while so long and you may learn about yourself for longer and I hesitate to say it, but maybe learn to love yourself more first before finding someone else to prove that you are loveable. You found that so long I imagine you heart and soul do hurt very much, because it doesn't sound much like a basic skill you went into the relationship with - loving yourself unconditionally.

Face the fear head on and challenge it with all the strength you have, believe that you have the ability to come out the otherside on top. You do and you will. And you don't have to focus on saying goodbye to her, focus on saying hello to you.

I'm sorry you're in such an emotionally powerful and poignant place where I can imagine, songs, smells, foods and so many things for quite some time will pull your heart to a place of pain and you will have to work hard to take back those moments for yourself.

I really do wish you the best of luck.


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