Sex is readily available on the gay scene, but what happens when the type of sex we have gets in the ways of forming intimate relationships? Gays.com writer Alex Hopkins shares his experiences of the scene.
Sexually, I was a late starter, but then by all accounts, I was a strange child. Until I More… was 15, I was holed up in my bedroom pretending my cuddly toys were Joan Collins in Dynasty. Then, at 16 - in a frenzy of excitement - I discovered a book on reproduction. Rampant masturbation commenced, with hours spent drawing pornographic images of male bodies, with wild pubic hair, which I then hid under my bed, next to cut out pictures of film stars. Oh, the things that Keanu Reeves and I got up to - but only in my head.
Childhood shame
I’d always spent a lot of time in my own head. Friendless throughout junior school, I hoped high-school would be different. And yes it was: I was bullied every day until the complex interior world I’d constructed dramatically unraveled in a well of self-loathing when, at 17, I took an overdose. Things became easier when I came out, and six months later I’d have my long overdue sexual awakening: a fumble in the back of a coach with another weird boy. We had nothing in common except for our individual skin conditions: he had eczema, I had chronic acne. But the drought had been broken - I ventured out onto the gay scene, where sex - if not love - was as readily available as the industrial quantities of Jack Daniels and Coke I started guzzling to try and mitigate my crushingly low self-esteem.
The gay scene: the playground where everything is possible?
I threw myself into the scene with abandon. Men fancied me, and I couldn’t get enough of them. Then I found the cruising ground. A child in a sweet shop? I was like Charlie, cavorting - high on poppers - through Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. My sex life rapidly became a numbers game. Would the people who touched me blot out the memory of the little boy standing alone in the playground?
Except a few short relationships, all of my twenties were spent like this (I’d later swap cruising grounds for saunas). What was the problem? I was having fun, wasn’t I? So what it I rarely even exchanged names with the men who I met in the shadows? But every so often I’d wonder what their lives were like. Did we share the same fears and dreams? I rarely bothered to find out.
Seeking intimacy
Because gay men grow up in a heterosexual world, they often lack proper mentors. Straight relationships are all we see. Our desires are hidden, and the shame builds, layer upon layer. Sadly, it seems little has changed since I tried to kill myself at 17. In the US The Trevor Project reports that suicide is still the second leading cause of death among young people ages 10 to 24 and that LGB youth are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers. The evidence is clear: isolation kills. Aren’t all of us searching for the same thing - meaningful relationships? My mistake was to lose sight of that search, or rather to allow it to become swamped by increasingly empty sex. Only later would I address this. As I sat talking about gay saunas, my therapist calmly turned to me and said: “I wonder what you lose each time you do this?” My answer came immediately: “Intimacy. I’m not even sure I know what it is.”
Learning how to love
“Your problem,” a former friend said to me, “is that you use men as dildos.” “Well,” I barked back, “at least then I don’t have to deal with male psychology.” The truth, of course, was that I’d had little experience relating to men outside of sex. The gay commercial scene is built upon the unrealistic promise of endless, perfect sex. It’s represented as nirvana. Its target consumers are often young, vulnerable gay men. No wonder we lose ourselves for a while.
Are we all “sex addicts”?
So, does my behavior make me a “sex addict? The US’s National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity define sex addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” The term is bandied about too much for my liking and suggests a “one fix for all” attitude. Gay men’s issues are, I think, unique and very complex - and each individual has his own story. But yes, I certainly believe that a part of me has used sex to anesthetize my feelings, to feel a little less dead inside.
But I’m not convinced that the approach advocated by groups such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) - to abstain from sex and relationships - works either. As I’ve moved into my thirties, I’ve tackled my intimacy issues through a process of trial and error (don’t we all?). It starts with self-acceptance and builds by learning how to trust others and reveal more of yourself. Sure, it’s painful, but each time I put myself out there it does get easier - and it certainly beats my experience of SLAA, where I found people sitting around in abject misery while repeatedly flogging themselves for what they saw as their mistakes. There are specialist club nights for that sort of thing and, trust me, they’re much more amusing.

I went through a brief sauna phase. I was in my mid-20s, and it probably lasted all of six months. A visit almost always ensued after a drunken night out and failure to cop off. That powerhouse of steam and sweat was a last ditch attempt to get my rocks off. And truth be told, it was almost always More… successful: in fact, I had many horny encounters with strangers there. It was sordid, exciting and served its purpose.
The sauna – or the bathroom as it's known in the US – is at an interesting and precarious stage of its life: in the 70s it was in its heyday as a social place for men to meet up and hook up anonymously (and listen to an early Bette Midler if they were lucky): an integral part of LGBT life and history in the States. However, according to latest figures they're heavily on the decline in the US, from over 200 in the 1970s to less than 70 now. And the situation is similar in other parts of the world.
Over the past few decades, as gay men have become more accepted, saunas – which once served a population seeking anonymity
– have suffered: “Bathhouses were like dirty bookstores and parks: a venue to meet people,” says Peter D Sykes, owner of Hollywood Spa, one of the largest bathhouses in Los Angeles, which closed last April. “Today, you can go to the supermarket.”
And more recently there have been moral debates regarding unsafe sex and drug overdoses, with some people labelling saunas as breeding grounds for STIs. Just this month, a guy in London died in hospital after collapsing in a sauna in a suspected drug-related incident.In the flesh
Fewer customers coupled with a rising rent put an end to four decades for Hollywood Spa. Likewise, the advent of dating through phone apps and the internet could be the nail in the coffin. However, sauna owners – particularly in the US, which has been biggest hit – are fighting back, trying to entice a younger generation to use them with special offers and deals, and they're also turning to social media to reach a younger and fresh audience.
And good for them I reckon: cos when it comes to hooking up – and let's be clear about this, that's what saunas are for – they have plenty of good things going for them, apart from the fact that you always come out with fantastic, rejuvenated skin: bonus! Let's take a look...
The main advantage is that unlike on the net or apps, you can see guys in the flesh, exactly as they are: no need to ask for more pix, no screen to hide behind and therefore no time for disappointment: if someone doesn't float your boat in the steam room you can just hang around for someone who does.
Secondly, being in a public space, saunas are potentially a safer place to meet guys rather than at an apartment: if anybody is hassling you or if you have an incident or accident, there should be other guys or staff members around. Plus, you don't have that awkward moment of when you meet a guy at his place and then don't like the look/sound/smell of him. In the sauna you can turn on your flip-flops and head in the other direction.A sexy and social space
Aside from a place to blow your nut, saunas can also serve a social purpose; a place to chill out post clubbing, to relax and chat to other guys. Hell, some guys even use it like a hotel and pass out and sleep there if they've partied too hard (careful of this one: you might end up being interfered with during the night).
Lastly, condoms and lube are usually free and readily available. Whether people actually use them in these environments is another question (let's discuss later) but at least they're free... and they damn well should be, because...
FIRST negative point... saunas are BLOODY EXPENSIVE! Of course they must cost a lot to run (rent, staff, making all that steam etc) so that price is passed to the customer, but when you can hook-up online for free, shelling out a wad of cash is a painful price to pay. Many saunas now offer cheap or free entry on certain days or to younger guys to try and attract customers.
The waiting game and wasting time. Another downside! Sometimes you can be flip-flopping around the sauna alleyways (urgh - that noise) for what seems like decades in order to meet a guy you want to get to grips with. The best sauna strategy is to stay in one place for a while rather than walk around: that way you can keep your eye on guys and give 'em a flash of what's underneath your towel if you want to get their attention. If you try and follow a guy around it can become a painful game of hide and seek.
Next point: when you do find a guy, if you want to find a free cabin to get jiggy in you may not always be in luck: a lot of the time they are occupied or the doors are wide open with a view of a guy face down and his arse, er, wide open. What's with that?
Lastly, there's always the danger of slipping over and breaking your bits. Especially if you're worse for wear. All it takes is an empty packet of lube on the floor and you can be arse over tit and in the back of an ambulance before you know it.Saunas = unsafe sex?
Added to this, there's plenty of moralists arguing that saunas act as a breeding place for STIs with a lot of unprotected sex going on there: some reasoning that as gay men are often under the influence or drink and/or drugs, they are more likely to engage in riskier behaviour and group sex, despite condoms usually being readily available.
Indeed, in the UK (specifically London), there have been many incidents reported in the LGBT press of guys ODing at saunas and being carted off in ambulances or even dying there. And sure, while some may participate in reckless behaviour, there are also plenty of men that act responsibly and do not take drugs or choose unsafe sex. One suggestion could be that sauna staff should check guys for drugs before they enter, but whether that would work in reality is a different matter.
Personally, I think it's down to the individual to take responsibility for their own actions and drug use. Even if drugs were banned in saunas, some gay men will continue use drugs for sex – at nightclubs, in sex parties, or just between two consenting couples. Sure enough, there have been plenty of incidents of guys ODing at club nights, too.
But some people also go as far as saying that saunas help send out the wrong message about gay men to the heterosexual community: by suggesting that gay men need to look for sex in specific venues, it highlights us as different and therefore undoes the progress that has been made in integrating us in society. What do you think? Where do you stand with saunas? Do you visit them or think they are a relic from the past?

Over 5 billion people now own a mobile, and ever since their introduction their impact has been so immense that we rarely stop to think about what life was like before they arrived. For older millennials, the offline world was what we grew up with, but for those who are a bit younger, life before More… the mobile internet might as well have been a thousand years ago.
When it comes to gay dating, however, things have moved on a hell of a lot from the lonely hearts column in the local paper. It was one thing to find a date but another to arrange to go on one - and then maintain it. Many say the dating game required a lot more effort back then and it was a damn sight slower. But on the plus side, the process felt a little more personal, especially given the political situation for gay people in the 80s & 90s. Knowing how we used to go about it all kinda makes me appreciate the technology we have now, because back then it sucked for so many reasons, here's why.
1. Asking for numbers and calling at the right time
Before the mobile came along if you met someone and wanted to see them again, you’d have to ask for their number - which meant writing it down. One upside was that people remembered telephone numbers, but back then if you lost the piece of paper and couldn’t remember the number, the only hope of seeing that hot guy again was praying he was listed in the phone book.
Also, as the only way of getting hold of anyone then was via a landline (you know, that thing that’s permanently attached to the wall) it was pure luck whether you caught that person at home at all, so people arranged a time to speak. Arranging a time not only made sense to avoid missed calls, but also to avoid nosey family members or other people in the house from picking up the phone.
2. Arranging to meet up with someone
If you were arranging a date, it was essential to organise the exact time and place in advance. There was no ‘wanna hook up? Meet you in town tomorrow, msg me’ - everything had to be precision planned, which meant S-L-O-W-E-R. Sheesh!
3. Sticking with the plans
If you were running late for a rendezvous, you just hoped and prayed to God that your date would still be there when you arrived as it was impossible to reach anyone while out and about. If you came late by more than an hour, your date would have probably disappeared, along with any hope of sex.
4. Getting lost on your way to a date meant getting lost
If you got lost attempting to meet your dream guy, there was no Google Maps to help figure out where the hell you needed to be. If you were stuck in some unfamiliar place, there was no other alternative than to ask someone for directions and hope for the best.
5. Not being able to ‘keep up-to-date’ with your love interest
Today it's so easy to find out where people are and what they're doing. And as nice as it is to see that your sweetheart has received and read your message(s) or has checked-in at the local bar (and while we're at it... WHY HAVEN'T THEY RESPONDED YET?!) keeping tabs on someone just wasn’t a possibility before the mobile. Unless of course you employed a private detective or became a bunny boiler and appropriately stalked your love victim. Back then people had to be patient and have a little trust in the other person.
And finally... 6. Not being able to dump someone by text (or getting dumped by text)
Some will see this as a good thing (and others will see it as less convenient), but if you wanted to finish with someone, it was a case of man-up and do it face-to-face.
The way we connect with each other today has certainly made dating easier, but ask someone about life before mobiles, and they’ll say people dated in a much different way; it was a different age. One thing stands out, though, if someone were that interested in you, they’d make an effort to seek you out. People spoke more face-to-face back then, but also needed to carry a lot more small change in their pockets to use the call box in the street.
Remember what it was like to date before the mobile? Share your experiences below.