Modern-day queer dating can be a minefield. Ghosting? Check! Poz or race shaming? Check! Being bashed for being a bottom? Check check check! If you think dating as a gay man can be a nightmare, then spare a thought for the bisexual community. Those of us that identify as bi can often be misunderstood, with bi guys and girls regularly facing prejudice, misconceptions and questions galore when it comes to their dating and sex lives.
So, if you're a gay guy considering dating a bisexual man, use this Bisexual Awareness Week to learn more about the issues bi guys regularly face when it comes to finding a date. And if you're that very bi guy struggling to navigate the dating scene, here are some ways to overcome certain challenges and boost your chances of finding that special someone. Why? Because you deserve it!
Choosing the right person to date applies, of course, to everyone. No one’s got time to waste on some tedious himbo. You need to establish, right from the start, that there’s some common ground.
But if you're bisexual, this is arguably even more important. Your bullshit detector needs to be firing on all cylinders. You need and deserve someone who is not going to patronise you or fit you into some tight little box (no, not that one) just to reinforce their ludicrous preconceptions on sexuality.
And you are most definitely not there to entertain the “my man’s drilled girls too, so I’ve got a proper straight bloke” fantasies. As you'll probably know already, bisexual men can appear to many gay guys as a curiosity or fetish, so you need to be aware of that and decide if that's something you can tolerate in a potential date or not.
Perhaps the first challenge that a bisexual person faces when on a date is how and when to come out as bisexual – or, indeed, if they should come out at all. The big reveal could start with your online profile. You are, of course, under no obligation to state your sexual preference then – or even later, in person.
It’s a dilemma that gay men dating other gay men don’t face. Given the stigma that bisexuals still come across, it’s no wonder that some people may not choose to come out as bi on a first date. There are no rules: it’s about whatever works for you – and every dating situation and vibe is different.
But if you choose not to come out further along the line when dating someone, does that mean you’re ashamed of being bisexual? Time to ask yourself some tough questions. If you feel uncomfortable talking about your orientation with a new partner, then that could be a warning sign that things aren’t as they should be.
“One of the biggest bisexual dating challenges is the barrage of questions you can face. They are frequently dull, laughable, predictable and sometimes just plain old-fashioned insulting!”
Ultimately, it's your responsibility to be proud of who you are. Integrity is everything. Never apologise or start justifying your bisexuality to a new date – or, indeed, anyone. If people are going to judge you, then that’s their problem, not yours.
Great dating is all about feeling comfortable, whoever it's with
OK, so you decide to be open from the start and come out as bisexual to the hot guy across the table. And then, inevitably it seems, come the questions: do you prefer men to women? How many women have you had sex with? Who gives you multiple, screaming orgasms? Are you really into cock or butts and how much do you really love pussy? You know the drill.
One of the biggest bisexual dating challenges is the barrage of questions you can face – or fear facing – from a new partner. These questions are frequently dull, inappropriate, laughable, predictable, prying and sometimes just plain old-fashioned insulting! And you, of course, are expected to sit there, grin and bear it, and resist emptying your dinner date's lasagne into their lap.
The questions that you’ll be asked will scream of stereotypes. Bisexuals are greedy; bisexuals are confused; bisexuals are untrustworthy, and there’s double the chance of you cheating on your new lover. Yes, you’ve heard it all before.
“Given the stigma that bisexuals still come across, it’s no wonder that some people may not choose to come out as bi on a first date.”
You’ll learn very quickly whether the guy or girl you’re with is judgmental or not. There are some things which you should not, under any circumstances, tolerate: being told that you’re going through a phase is the first. The second is being oh-so-confidently informed by the infinitely gorgeous but also insanely egotistical and brain-dead queen you’ve just met, that it is completely within his powers to turn you 100% gay.
Great dating is all about feeling comfortable: feeling at ease with the person you’re with and also the setting you’re in. If you get the double whammy, the sparks will fly. Don’t rush into your date. Take time to get to know him (which will help you face challenge 1) – and then carefully decide where you’re going to go on your date.
RELATED: 6 challenges facing bisexual men
Crucially, the venue decision needs to be mutual. If you’re a bisexual guy about to meet a gay guy, then a Diana Ross drag act and Sunday show tunes extravaganza is probably not the most circumspect of choices. Your date should understand and respect this. Cast your net further than the gay scene. There are plenty of queer and bi+ spaces out there. Get exploring! •
Modern-day gay dating is a minefield but if you're bisexual and trying to find love, dating can be even more complex. You may face multiple challenges in the form of questions and stereotypes, but there are ways to overcome these issues and navigate the dating world successfully.
Are you a bi guy? What are your experiences of dating gay guys? Share your story with the community in the comments section below...
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