Yes, in this world of ever-increasing labels, a demisexual is a thing! But what does it mean – and how can you spot a gay demisexual? We've got seven telltale signs.


Demisexuals are big on emotions

So what is the meaning of demisexuality? In short, a demisexual is not sexually attracted to another person unless they have formed a strong emotional connection with them. 

Given this, can there possibly be such a thing as a gay demisexual; we hear you cry? We live in a world of 24/7 hook-ups. Who needs to ask a name before casually clogging up a stranger’s orifices? In the sexual McDonalds that is a major city, you’d think demisexuality is anathema to gay men.

But you’re wrong. The lesser spotted gay demisexual does indeed exist. Demisexuals are big on emotions and meaningful connections. They’re sensitive, and they listen. They want to get to know you – not just your undercarriage. Who would have thought it?

Friendships are everything 

Friends are vital to the gay demisexual. And no, this doesn’t include being intimately acquainted with your besties’ colon. Well, not initially anyway. Demisexuals won’t experience desire unless they have that vital emotional connection, which means that relationships for the gay demisexual often begin as friendships. 

Demisexuals crave trust and security in a partner and to know all of that person, which takes the time a friendship offers. Without this, there’s not going to be any “pants off ready when I get home.”

concept of demisexuality - two men hug tightly
Close personal friendships are vital to those who identify as demisexual.

People think demisexuals are prudes

Perhaps the most common misconception about a gay demisexual is that he is a prude. He doesn’t put out on the first date. His apartment does not resemble the revolving door of Macy’s during the New Year’s Sale.  But just because he is not the local cum bucket, does not mean he’s hung up on sex. Nor does it say that he lies back and thinks of England. A gay demisexual can be every bit as imaginative as that old mattress next door.

The difference is that it’s not the primary sexual attraction that drives him - not the looks or the size of penis. It’s all about secondary sexual attraction. Character. Personality. Two words perhaps guaranteed to send many metropolitan queens running for the hills.

Dates are a BIG deal

We can all get obsessed with the dating game. It’s big business, after all. But for the gay demisexual, dates are even more important. Especially first dates. The issue here is again one of other people’s perceptions. Your gay friends will expect you to be impeccable at reading a potential partner. They’ll allow you to have little room for doubt. “What do you mean you’re not sure he’s for you,” they’ll scream.

Consequently, the gay demisexual is likely to over-analyze everything about that first date, and they’re also likely to bore you by raking over the details. The pressure is on for them to be perfect. 

one man looking at camera, another blurred in the background
More cerebral than carnal?

Do demisexuals come across as overly picky?

The sexual spectrum is confusing. There appears to be a label for everything these days. But let’s think of demisexuality lying in the halfway mark between being asexual and being excessively rampant.

That sorted, let’s shatter another misconception about gay demisexuals. A demisexual feels attraction to specific people. That means they don’t necessarily have the primary attraction to others that most gay men do.  No, this doesn’t make demisexuals picky. It just means the benchmark over who sweeps their chimney is set significantly higher.

Casual sex doesn’t interest demisexuals

Shock horror! The gay demisexual doesn’t want to bone every hot guy he passes on the street. But this doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t get the hots for them. A gay demisexual may well still feel a tingle in those vital regions when meeting a godlike adonis, but it’s likely to be a temporary feeling. It will soon pass, and he won’t act upon it - casual sex is a no-no. 

However, other demisexuals claim they don’t feel any primary sexual attraction. Indeed, they add that they’re not neurologically wired that way. But as yet, there’s little research out there to back this up.

Forget those basic conversations

The gay demisexual gives all you basic bitches opportunity to raise the quality of dinner party conversation. No more lurid details about the dimensions of his bowel basher. 

Believe it or not, gay demisexuals have no interest in such matters. What’s titillating to others leaves them cold and can’t relate to these conversations. So, how do you engage a demisexual in banter? The starting point is to remember that their fantasies are not physical. More cerebral than carnal. Deep and meaningful conversations matter to demisexuals more than plunging in balls deep. And surely this can only be a good thing. It mixes things up. And it makes us all work harder to connect.

What is your experience with demisexuality? Have you tried dating a demisexual? Smooch on over to the forum, or comment below.

Chat about demisexuality in the forum

Images: model released from




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