Anyone with a fetish to CNC gr8pe straight males?

[Gr8pe]

I have the very worst possible sexuality. My actual sexual obsession is a demonic, irrational, craving to kidnap, gr8pe, and sexually *** young females. How young? From 4 -14.

However, this is something I could never actually do because I am pathologically OCPD conscientious, moral. and empathetic. I am also far too timid to do so. And I am physically and psychologically incapable of any type of ***, even if my life depended on it. 

Have you ever wanted to feed pdfs, slowly feet first through a wood chipper. I am worse. I'm a sick mysoped. I would be the first to cheer if I was forcibly slowly fed feet-first through a wood chipper. 

I get pleasure and satisfaction watching Hollywood villains dye slow ***ful, horrific deaths.

The fact I never acted on these urges, and would never do so does not stop me from viewing myself as no different than Charles Ng, Leonard Lake, Christopher Wilder, a David Parker Ray, or a Peter Scully.

It is frightening just how much in common I have  with them. Tweak a few things about my childhood, make a few small changes to my personality,, and my life could easily have mirrored theirs. 

I was born with insane sadomasochistic, sexually predatory compulsions long before I had any knowledge or exposure to sex. I had two loving parents and no childhood trauma.

Once I was old enough to realize what I was, I fantasized survivors of CSA and SA boiling me in oil, skinning me alive, or dousing me in gasoline and setting me on fire. 

I wanted survivors of CSA and SA to watch someone like their ***rs ***d to experience all the ***, anguish, trauma and suffering they suffered as the result of their ***. In part, because I knew if I was them, that is what I would want to see happen to males like myself. 

If I was a survivor, my need to see them suffer would know no bounds. But it would also serve another purpose. I still have these urges, and still fight these inner demons. 

Somehow, others violently, sadistically, mercilessly sexually assaulting me and torturing me for their sexual pleasure and satisfaction would serve as an outlet for my own sexual sadism, sexual aggression, and sexual predatory urges. 

How could that even be possible. It sounds totally bonkers. But there is a method to my madness.

In psychology, the principle is called overcompensation, "reaction-formation," displacement, redirection, and substitution.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, ‘No one directs hatred and aggression inwards at themselves without a secret desire to hurt others."

I've taken the liberty to paraphrase Nietzsche to make relevant here. 

Psychology teaches that people who have a psychological need to direct sexual aggression, and sexual sadism at other people that could lead to criminal charges, societal condemnation and vilification can redirect that aggression inwards at themselves, which is a far safer option.  

In my case, when others direct sexual sadism and aggression at me, I have the ability to imagine they are directing it at a female. I experience what they do from their perspective, not my own and empathically and vicariously feel what they feel, and imagine I am them doing what they are doing to a female.

This is what makes this easy for me to do. Due to PAIS, I have a naturally fem body for a male, and many female personality traits. I don't really identify with my fem body. Whatever others do to it, I don't feel  like they are doing it me. I feel like I am doing what they are doing, to a female, not to me. Or to my villainous sexual identity.

I don't crossdress. I have no effeminate mannerisms or affections. I carry myself like a straight male, and speak like a stereotypical male. No one but my partners have ever known I have a fem side.

I am not egosyntonic with my villainous sexual identity. Which explains a lot. In nearly every way my sexual identity is antipodal and antithetical to my normal personality, to my conscious executive decision making center.

To me, my sexual identity is like a totally different creature, a Mr. Hyde, a Goa'uld, a primitive primal reptilian brain, a monstrous evil inner demon I oppose that must be sequestered and locked away for my benefit and the world's benefit. 

Most masochists get pleasure from ***. They are typically submissive bottoms. sex. I'm not masochistic the way other people are. I am dominant and not the least bit submissive. I am not a top, not a bottom.

I get no pleasure from ***. I am so sensitive to the slightest ***, I am algophobic / agliophobic.

So, how exactly am I masochistic? I get sexually aroused by being ***d to do things I despise and *** if it gives others sexual pleasure and sexual gratification. But mostly, my masochism is really how I satisfy and contain my predatory sexual sadism.

According to Sigmund Freud masochism is often sadism turned inward against the self. When a person internalizes aggressive or sadistic impulses (often due to guilt or societal conditioning), they experience those impulses by vicariously feeling what the sadist who is victimizing feels.

When these masochists experiencing ***, they imagine they are the sadist inflicting the ***.on a ***, powerless victim. The empathy of these masochists is so powerful they can put themselves in every person's shoes and feel what other people actually feel. And they are able to view the world through everyone's mind's eye. 

My masochism drives me to seek out predatory sociopaths who would CNC forcibly subject me to things I abhor to satisfy their sexual needs. I am drawn to this like a moth drawn to a flame. Like a heroin addict to methadone. 

This isn't something I want. It is something I need. I dread it. It terrifies me. It would be my worst nightmare come true. It would be Hell incarnate. It would devastate me and traumatize me. 

If it wasn't something I needed, I would never choose to do it. It would not be a pleasurable experience. I would instantly regret allowing it to happen, once I realized I couldn't back out.

For me, however, it would be a form of chemotherapy that almost kills a patient to destroy a cancer that is killing them. 

I wish there was some other way like therapy. I tried everything. But this type of thing is the only thing that works for me.

I never had ANY interaction with gay males. Nor would I normally do so for a million dollars. This is not a sexual fantasy, fetish or a kink. 

I am viscerally squicked, sickened, nauseated by male homosexuality. I can't watch heterosexual porn because naked male bodies, genitalia, and bodily fluids disgust me like maggots dissolving raw meat. 

Because it would be so devastating is precisely why I need it. It would work on many levels to keep my worst impulses in check. 

I still have no idea how feasible it is. If anyone would have any interest in doing it, once they understood my motivation. And most critically if I could summon up the determination to allow it to happen. 

Each time i think about what it would really be like, I am overcome with trepidation hoping no one would actually have an interest in doing it. 

i realize probably no one can possibly understand how something like this could help me. It doesn't really make lot of sense. 

What complicates matters is I can only be so forthcoming in a public forum. But even if I could share everything here, it probably would stll not make sense.

I have trouble fully understanding it myself. But the reality is if I wasn't absolutely sure this would help, if I wasn't absolutely sure that for me there isn't another alternative, I wouldn't be posting this here in the first place.

i know everyone has their ideas without fully understanding my psychology. Everyone thinks they are an expert on everything, especially the psychology of people they have never met. 

On matters like this everyone seems to have some religious belief or dogma they are convinced would be a far better alternative.

Pray to Jesus. 
Go to India and meet a guru on a mountain top
We will pray for you.

See another therapist. 
That is like telling someone who is gay to see a therapist. 
What you seek will only make your worse and more likely to act on your urges.

Every seems to think they know more about the psychology needs of people they have never met, than those people themselves.

Just out of curiosity, I happen to be a psychologist and a therapist who probably has the best track record of anyone treating survivors of CSA and SA. 
Treating survivors was the best therapy for me.

Most survivors suffer horribly their entire life despite a lifetime of therapy by countless psychologists and psychiatrists.

i have always miraculously and impossibly achieved complete remission of all symptoms in less than two months, not years, not decades, not lifetimes. My services are completely free. I do this for myself. 

If anyone is a survivor here of CSA or SA, I can post the definitive guide to healing. 

My treatment plan is completely unlike any treatment plan any survivor has ever heard of. 

The validity of my treatment plan can be Googled for its efficacy. I didn't make any of it up myself. It is endorsed by world famous psychologists and psychiatrists. I never ask anyone to trust me or take my word for anything.

I will say this, the US educational system is  cataclysmically abysmal. And nowhere is this more true than in the fields of psychology and psychiatry. The vast majority of PhD psychologists and the vast majority of psychiatrists would flunk a test on basic psychology.

Their near total ignorance of undergraduate psychology is jaw dropping. How they possibly could have passed freshman psychology is one of the five wonders of the universe. 

Roughly 65% percent of published research papers can't be duplicated. Many studies have no more than 6 participants, which is a statistically meaningless number. 

Most of 35% of studies that were able to be duplicated were seriously scientifically flawed. There were no control groups. They suffered from survivor's bias. Every possible scientific flaw and error that could be made was endemic nearly every study. 

Psychology for the past 40 years has been determined by woke, feminist ideology, not an interest in discovering the truth. Truth no longer matters in academia. It is all about furthering an agenda. 

Sex offenders are treated by misandrist, feminist therapists using treatments based on feminist narratives that have no basis in reality. They just make up things that support their feminist belief system without any evidence at all

Personality disorders are constantly being removed from the DSM not because they aren't true, but rather because they may adversely impact females seeking custody of their children.

Other personality disorders were removed from the DSM because sex offenders might use them to mitigate their crimes by having a documented personality disorder.

Feminist psychiatrists don't want courts to consider the possibility that any sex offender could possibly have a mental disorder. 

One the other hand, they wanted to include a new mental disorder in the DSM stating that any attraction by an adult to anyone under the age of 18 was not just a crime or a moral failing but a full-fledged sexual disorder.that could lead to indefinite civil confinement for having a dangerous sexual disorder, even if that person had never committed a crime. 

Psychology department no longer care what is true or not. The only thing they consider important is adopting views that further their political woke agenda where women are protected and men disadvantaged.