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Falling for friends with beinifts - Love and Romance


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So I am new to this site & loving it. I was married for 7yrs & it took me over a year to come out to myself. I told my husband that I am gay & I have no desire to be with him or any other man. My family & friends know and are supportive. My *** says it's just a phase ( I still like men). I know I need to take time for me. Get to know myself all over. Not just my lesbian side but being a free independent women. Currently I have a friend with benefits, we have a lot of fun together & I feel I am falling for her. She is bi & I feel that she will never be in a relationship with a women. I say this cause she is always checking guys out & talks about how much she wants a bf. Why do I do this to myself. I guess it's human nature to want to be loved. My *** is that I break it off with her and I will not be able to find another women. I have been with 3 women (sexually) but never have been in love. Also I don't want to loose her friendship. Any time I need advice she is there. When I am down on myself she tells me how great I am. Maybe she is more into me then she lets on (or so I hope). So should I break it off with her or just keep my emotions out of it?


Depends on what you are willing to endure and what you really want and/or need at this time. I wouldn't be so afraid of not finding another woman. I mean if you leave her, you may not find another woman for a long time, but odds are you will find someone else. I left someone because she just was not right for me and have been single for a VERY long time now and I'd rather be single and true to myself than with someone with whom I had to change to fit their desires rather than stunt the growth of myself and undestanding of my sexuality.

I'll also add that being single doesn't mean that I'm not in love and haven't been. I'm head over heels in love with someone and have been with the same person for over four years. Rules prevent me finding out if this woman even has feelings for me let alone if she'd go out with me, but it doesn't prevent me from experiencing the strong and complex feelings of love. Plus I grow through my love for her and become a better partner for the next person I fall in love with, because my capacity to love is growing.

If your friend is a true friend, I believe if you break off the "benefits" then in my opinion they should still remain your friend. But that's judging someone by my standards. She may need some space, a bit of time and you should understand that. If she doesn't remain your friend then you do deserve better than someone who won't commit, but won't be just friends.

I don't think you can keep your emotions out of it. It's human nature to bring your emotions ino it when your feel love. I personally don't think it's good to 'learn' how to switch off feeling love. It's a beautiful emotion and even if it hurts it's better to experience it than not to.

Also you said why do you do it to yourself. You said it's human nature to want to be loved. I think it's more than that. I think it's human nature to be intimate, to have contact (even very simple, like a little kiss, doesn't have to be sex), to share elements of your life with someone else. Simply to not be alone, to belong.

Anyway, sorry that you're struggling and I hope you find some solace somehow. Good luck. xx

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