Long Beach, CA: Poz and 66 - Looking for LOVE!!!

[David_Chaille]

When I was young, I never was the kind of man who approached first. Many times, people would say, "Did you see how that guy was cruising you?" I didn't recognize the signs. Of course, when you're young and cute, you get approached a lot. I was lucky that I soon found a man that I fell in love with. We spend more than 38 wonderful years together, Unfortunately, he passed away in 2009.

At this point in my life, I really don't have the slightest idea about getting a date. Most of the online web sites seem to cater to quick hook-ups, and casual or anonymous sex. I'm more the affectionate, romantic type of guy. I would love to go out on a date to dinner, dancing, a movie, theater or simply for a walk. I admit that I am very affectionate and romantic. Many guys don't seem to have any interest in dating or in a relationship. I don't drink so I don't tend to go to Gay bars very often.

I realize that my age (66) and my HIV status (positive, undetectable) present a challenge. I would love to find a new partner to share my life. Of course, I still love sex and intimacy, but a relationship is so much more fulfilling. On an emotional level, I feel lonely even though I try to stay active in various Gay clubs. Sexually, I am often frustrated. The irony is that unlike many guys my age I have no erectile problems at all. Physically, I am in good shape and active.

As I mentioned before I am somewhat timid about approaching other guys even at Gay groups and places. To complicate matters, my HIV status increases my *** of rejection. The funny thing is that overall I am in excellent health.

I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on how to approach dating or possibly finding a relationship. I don't have a rigid lit of physical criterial because I am focused more on inner qualities such as honesty, commitment, kindness, and affection.

Thanks for any help or advice.

David
Long Beach, California

Basic Stats: Single white male bottom, 66, 5'5", brown hair, hazel eyes, very stable, non-smoker, non-drinker, no ***. well educated, extremely affectionate, relationship-oriented. Interests include movies, theater, dancing, yoga, meditation, cooking, travel, massage, foreign languages, graphics, and more.

[De****]

goodluck bro. age doesnt matters unless you have active and a functioning organs....LOL

[David_Chaille]

Despite my age, I get a rock-hard erection that even stays hard after I cum. Sometimes my erection is so hard that I feel like I could hammer nails with it. I am lucky since many older guys experience erectile dysfunction.

Overall aging has been very good to me. I have a full head of hair, all my teeth, and a decent body.

My problem is that I don't know how to go about dating. I am an extremely romantic and affectionate guy who thrives in a relationship. All modesty aside, I'd be a great catch for the right guy. But how do I go about meeting and dating other guys?

Like most Gay men, i have posted profiles on various internet sites, but the responses tend to fall into two categories: (1) guys who live outside my local area and (2) guys who are seeking casual sexual hook-ups. Maybe I am looking in the wrong places. I really don't know what to do. Sometime I get the impression that nobody wants to date any more.

David
Long Beach

[Deleted Member]

I'm from Long Beach originally. Born and bred though I now live in my own little paradise called New Orleans!!!

[Deleted Member]

David... I know how difficult it is and after coming out of a 13+yr relationship myself, the "dating game" really has changed big time! In my online travels, I came across this little gem: http://www.compatiblepartners.net/eHarmony/ (yes, it's e-Harmony but this portion has been created for the gay and lesbian community. I'm still hunting for my other bookmarked sites, that cater to those who are hiv+. Stay strong and stay "undetectable" since this is considered to be a "remission" stage.

[David_Chaille]

Thank you for your kind comment on my posting. I agree with you that the "dating game" has changed a lot since I was single almost 40 years ago. I have a non-premium account on "Compatible Partners", but I'm not sure whether it's worth the fee for a premium membership. I do like their in depth questionnaires. Have you had direct experience with Compatible Partners? Would you recommend it?

Thanks a lot,
David
Long Beach, California

[Deleted Member]

In all honesty, no I haven't had my experiences with using Compatible Partners. I've directed others, who've asked me if I knew of any other online dating sites. I know of many. I've tried a few. No luck here, for I don't seem to fit into what most are seeking. I'm not a Beau Derick (remember "10"?). I don't work out at the gym 7 days/wk. I'm a smoker and seldom drink and I'm not into the gay scene. It seems that many are hunting for Mr. Right. I guess being single does have some advantages and yes, dis-advantages. I've had 2 really great long term relationships in my life. I'm not sure if I want a 3rd. GOD took my 1st and the 2nd, he wanted his cake and be able to eat it too. He got a face full of cake and no napkins!

I know I'm not getting any younger (***y time won't stand still), so I'll simply wait my time and since I'm not looking, eventually.... sigh, they say all good things come to those who wait. I waited twice and yes, good things did come my way. Perhaps in more time, it might happen again.

[David_Chaille]

Last week, I attended the first of three workshops on HIV dating and relationships. We had an interesting discussion and the moderator gave us copies of a chapter from a book about Gay dating and relationships. It's called "Get Closer" by Jeffrey N. Chernin. I was very impressed with the practical suggestions that the author makes so I plan to order the whole book. The moderator also gave us a homework assignment, We were each given a pair of movie tickets and we are supposed to ask someone on a date within the next two weeks. I think that I understand the purpose of the assignment. By making us ask someone on a date, we are ***d to get off our ass and take the risk of approaching someone. The second workshop session is next Thursday (November 11).

I have a free account in Compatible Partners and have posted a profile. I like the depth of their questions. Since it is owned by eHarmony, this site uses the same in-depth matching approach for Gay men. My only hesitancy to buying a premium membership has been the price and my uncertainly of the outcome. I guess, however, it is worth a try.

Last year, I signed up with a local matching service called "Nuera Network." By contract, I cannot disclose the actual fee, but it was substantial. Nuera has matched me with three men, but two of them were out of my local area (Long Beach, Los Angeles County and Orange County). The third man was nice but seemed in very poor health. He didn't seem a good match for an active and energetic guy like me. I objected to the out-of-area matches and they ultimately credit back my account, so they still owe me a minimum of 12 matches. They also promised to keep my profile in their matching database permanently. I was promised a new match about three weeks ago and have had zero communication. Of course, I realize that they be having trouble finding a match in view of my age and HIV status; however, I am very disappointed with their lack of communication.

The California Men's Gathering (CMG) is offering a "Healthy Dating Workshop" on Thursday, November 11 in Hollywood. I plan to attend.

I am trying to do everything possible to maximize my chances of meeting someone. At this point, I would be delighted to simply go on a date. All modesty aside, I would be a terrific catch for the right man. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing something or saying something wrong. On the other hand, I hear from Gay and straight guys the same frustration with dating. In the Gay Community, internet hook-ups seem to have become the norm. Although I love sex and intimacy, I get turned off by guys only looking for casual and anonymous sex because they make me feel used rather than loved. Please don't get me wrong, I have no problem with sex in the context of dating.

The bottom line is that I am determined and I will not give up. I am not needy or desperate, but I realize how wonderful it is to share one's life with someone you love.

David
"specialbottom"
Long Beach, CA

[De****]

you are right david,me also im im looking a serious relationship partner for the sake of my life.and to love him tell death do as part....

[Deleted Member]

I fully understand your plight, David. The second you disclose your status, this seems to change everything. Sad but true. Gay men in general, can't see past those 3 scary letters and tend to think the worst. Like hello? Don't you read? Are you smart enough to understand what is perfectly acceptable and safe? After being a buddy for *ACT *PWA in Toronto, you get to learn and understand quite a bit. I have watch friends, find others who are like minded of themselves and who've been capable of having a sane and consensual relationship, with one being a pozzie and the other, well not. It has been done and without any hesitations. It pisses me off that gay men (mostly) hear of or find out about, must shove their over sized tails between their asses and high tail it out of there! Like grow the fuck up. With the amount of information out there, the Aids clinics, your own doctor and in some cities, a community center that would have people you can talk too. There is simply, no excuse only their blatant arrogance and stupidity not to get educated.

In this day and age, with not just HIV looming but, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Crabs, HPV, Herpes etc, floating around, they're more afraid of what? Yeah, that's what I thought. Condoms do work guys. Are you going to let something like this virus, get in your way of getting to know someone? If so, perhaps practicing celibacy is something you might want to consider. They say that there is someone for everyone. Regardless. So, the next time you so happen to meet a guy to whom you deem to be your "cat's meow" and he discloses the fact that he's HIV+, don't run just embrace him, for this is only one aspect of the man you might end up spending the rest of you life with.

* ACT= Aids Committee of Toronto
*PWA= People With Aids

[David_Chaille]

Well said, Krystoffer.

I think that dating is difficult for everyone (straight, Gay, HIV negative or HIV positive). So I don't want to use my HIV status as an excuse for not dating or not finding a relationship.

I sometimes attend a Gay men's rap group at the Long Beach Gay Community Center. One night I got so tired of hearing myths and ignorance about HIV that I disclosed my status to the entire group of 60 guys. Then I proceeded to correct their misunderstandings. One comment the blew me away was when one guy said, "I've barebacked a lot...I must be immune." I compared his experience to the game of Russian roulette. I hope that I shook him into some sense of reality.

As far as dating and relationships, I am attending a three-week workshop on HIV dating. I have gained some insights that will be helpful.

Sadly, a lot of guys with HIV simply shut down and isolate. My view is that such a reaction is damaging to a person's mental health. I just finished a 6 page article on HIV and mental health that is being published this month.

I do get frustrated trying to date, but I will not give up. All modesty aside, I consider myself a terrific catch for the right guy. Before the death of my HIV negative partner last year, I spent over 38 years in a very stable and very loving relationship. I know what commitment means and I know how to make a relationship work. I don't play games and I am extremely affectionate and 100% honest. I don't smoke, don't drink and don't do ***. My friends who know that I have HIV comment, "Anybody would be damn lucky to have David as a lover." As an extra plus [excuse the blushing], I am sexually rare for my age (66) and still get rock-hard erections. Most people look at my face and body and assume that I am a lot younger. I own a fairly good size home in a great neighborhood and I am financially stable. I am a great cook, too. In addition, I speak three languages (which makes traveling a lot easier).

I really don't have any great suggestions on how to find a date or partner. My primary strategy has been to stay active in many Gay social groups and in HIV organizations. I figure that it is possible to meet someone almost anywhere (party, workshop, social club, library, market, etc.). So I maximize my chances of meeting someone by getting out a lot. Sometimes, however, I fail to recognize when someone is cruising me or interested in me. I guess that I need to hone my Gaydar. [smile]

David
"specialbottom"
Long Beach, California

[Deleted Member]

HIV is scary and I'll agree there is a lot of misinformation out there. I'm 20 years old so I'm not going to pretend I know anything about the 80s or the epidemic itself but I have had my experiences. In my short 20 years, I've seen to friends get the news that they are positive. One just recently and he's just turned 18 last march.

Education on the subject is critical. Down here in Louisiana, people dont talk about it that thats the major issue. I dont blame my friend for what happened to him, I blame the fact that there is so much silence and stigma surrounding HIV. This is preventable and education is the cure.

[David_Chaille]

I agree that education is extremely important to help prevent HIV and to minimize the stigma. However, I know two HIV doctors who make almost the same comment: "The prevention message hasn't worked very well. We are not going to stop people from having sex. It's just too much of a basic need."

What shocks me now that we are 30 years into the epidemic, but people still choose to bareback. Basically, they are playing Russian roulette with their health. Although HIV is now more of a chronic disease rather than a fatal one, there are still many challenges to face when you become HIV positive (side effects of the medication, health consequences of the virus, stigma).

Many guys go into denial and don't get tested. Every week, someone comes into the local HIV clinic with a very advanced case of HIV/AIDS and must be admitted to the hospital. This acute situation is entirely preventable if you know your status and you seek treatment.

Some guys build up a fantasy of myths around HIV. For example, some men think that they cannot get HIV because they are tops. This is simply not true. Other men believe that they can't get the disease because they only engage in oral sex. Although oral sex is thought to be less riskier than anal sex, people still get HIV from oral sex.

Let's also not forget the many other STD's. There are three common types of Hepatitis: A. B and C. Hepatitis A and B are entirely preventable by getting vaccinated. There is no vaccine for Hepatitis C and the treatment is long (one year), hard to tolerate and only works in a relatively small percentage of cases. The most common transmission mode for Hep C is by sharing needles in connection with intravenous drug use.

Drug use and alcohol tend to remove inhibitions. People who are high tend not be practice safe sex. Indeed, crystal meth users often get into 3 day orgies.

I get very saddened when I hear of a young Gay man contracting HIV. Unless a cure is found, this person will need treatment for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, we do not know the long-term 50-80 year) consequences of HIV medication. However, recent studies indicate the HIV positive people live slightly longer than the general population. The scientist presume that this difference is due to the fact that most HIV positive individuals see a doctor frequently, take their medications faithful and do everything to maximize their health. It is extremely important for anyone with a disease to become as well educated as possible and to maximize their health in every way (nutrition, exercise, mental health, smoking cessation, avoidance of *** and alcohol, etc.).

Act Up protesters often carried signs that read "Silence Equals Death." A possible corollary to this slog might be "Talk, Discuss and Get Educated to Maximize Your Life."

[De****]

yeah! its true HIV is very dangerous virus....so be careful to have infected virus...

[Deleted Member]

I think they did away with calling or using STD and replaced it with STI (Sexually Transmitted Infections), since it encompasses all. I remember that campaign "Silence = Death" and the T-shirts. I can recall one year, during Toronto's Gay Pride Parade, the group who was promoting this, would draw a chalk outline of anyone who was willing to lay down on the asphalt. Another political statement. I didn't, I remained standing. I never wore one of those T-shirts. I understood the reasons behind the slogan, I just couldn't bring myself to follow suit. Pride for me is about celebration and not making to profound of a political statement, that is so dramatic like chalk drawing outlines of human bodies. There are countless other ways to make your voice heard.

I'm just after reading in another thread, some guy who's more interested in all irrelevant junk, that most who are HIV, are not interested in. This guy, has no concept nor clue as to what someone who is dealing with HIV, actually goes through. Like, get your ***y nose out of what ever it is your reading/seeking and spend some time doing something that matters, like volunteering for your local HIV/Aids group. For those who must endure the daily rituals of medication, tests etc., it's nice to have a friend who is there for them, when they themselves, feel like no one is.

For those who think they're invincible and won't catch HIV, guess again. Be stupid enough, chances are, you might. Educate your self. It's not that hard, really. Need a boost? http://www.HIV.com (yes, there is actually a website with that name). One of the things they teach those, who are recently diagnosed is, always assume that the person you're about to have sex with, might also be infected, therefore, its up to you to protect not just yourself but them as well. Be smart, not stupid, for once you get that unfortunate news you've tested positive to the antibodies, life as you know it, will change forever. When someone is diagnosed with Cancer, they to must endure many changes. I look at HIV similarly to how I look at Cancer. Both are incurable but they can be treated and controlled. Both can enter into a remission stage. With Cancer, it is called "remission" and for those dealing with HIV, it's called the "undetectable" stage.

I know my fair share of information, regarding this virus, due to the countless hours of my dedication to volunteering for a variety of HIV/Aids related causes. Working along side of volunteer organizations from Toronto to Vancouver. Being there for my friends, who've been struck down by this virus. Understanding those harsh and toxic medications that they had to take and watching many wither away. No, this is not a life nor a lifestyle but for many, it is. No text book nor journal, can outline one individuals life, who must live it.

[David_Chaille]

I would like to second Krystoffer's call for volunteerism. Whether you're HIV positive or HIV negative, you owe it to your community to help. I am reminded of a bumper sticker from the 1960's. It read:

Do you have a solution?
Or are you part of the problem?

I am very proud of my volunteer work in the area of HIV/AIDS. Last year, a local agency presented me with a crystal award as the "Outstanding Volunteer" of the year. Frankly, I probably get more out of helping others than they receive from me. Volunteer work is very rewarding, makes you feel good and empowers your spirit.

David
"specialbottom"
Long Beach, California
Age 66

I like to introduce myself like this: "I was born positive. I was diagnosed with HIV in 2003 and I still have a positive attitude."

[Deleted Member]

A friend of mine, in this site, started up a group, mainly for those who are HIV and single, looking for a companion. I don't know how well this is doing, since there are not many in here, who've openly disclosed their own status. I've been finding to many closed minded homo's in here and the topic of HIV is well, it's time to get educated???? You can't catch this virus from a handshake, or if someone accidentally coughs/sneezes on you. You can't catch it from accidentally using his/her's utensils etc. These myths went out the door as fast as those 8 track players, that used to be in cars. The recorded case of HIV, was patient zero, back in the early 80's. Back then, they called it GRIDS. Since then, the amount of information available, is outstanding, yet, there are still enough who are living in the dark, which is totally unacceptable. Anyway, I don't understand why so many homo's and hetero's are petrified about this virus. With the amount of information available and just knowing what the dos and don't s are, what's stopping you? Ignorance? I gave my friend the perfect image for his group page. A stunning image in black and white of a man's torso and a red ribbon d***d across his chest, with a caption that reads "I AM NOT MY DISEASE". How suiting for the group he just created. People really need to look past this and look at the person. Do not judge unless you wish to be judged.

Now here's a thought.... guys, what will you do, if you so happen to meet your everything guy and he turns out to be HIV? Would you A) run B) freak out or C) embrace him? Being a pozzie is only one small aspect of your Mr. Everything. A coin has 2 sides, not 1. There is way more to a person, than the one thing that makes him stand out amongst others. Don't let something like a virus, put a wedge between yourself and what could very well be, the very person who'll bring you much joy, happiness and unconditional love.

Life as is, for mankind, is short lived and for some, shorter. Those who are positive to this virus, didn't necessarily ask for it. Shit happens. They now must endure all the crap associated with just dealing with this little fact. Between keeping a level head, putting up with societies bullshit towards those who are infected not to mention, being chastised by their own community. Believe me, I've seen it way to often and quite frankly, it disgusts me. It shouldn't be this way but sadly, it is. This is one virus that's not going away, for like all the other STD's out there (syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea. herpes,... all making a strong comeback in the gay male population), is now a fact of our existence.

So before you start to gossip, point fingers, take the time to get to know the person. If you're dating and find out, don't be a coward, just be there for him/her. To have an understanding heart and an open mind, makes life for all, much more easier. Want to make a difference? Try volunteering. Like David said, it's very rewarding and it does, empower ones spirit to know that they're doing something good.