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What is the hardest thing you've ever had to do? - The Rainbow Lounge

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Someone asked me what the hardest thing I've ever done in my life was. I'd say quit cutting. I've been clean for 2 years and 2 months and I'm still going, it has been, and is the hardest thing I've ever done since day one. I wouldn't recommend cutting for anyone. I was so bad I almost got locked up... & here I am today helping people stop like me. I'd say it's an accomplishment.

I started for a few reasons.
1. All of my friends were doing it and telling me how great it is.
2. I was deeply unhappy, I'd been sexually assaulted by quite a few guys, beaten and disowned by my father, and I lived with a mother who was far more interested in her latest boyfriend than she was in me.
3. I was bullied at school so badly that I'd come home every day crying.
4. I felt like the world was better off without me.
5. I wanted to prove that it wasn't as addicting as my friends said
6. I was told that the physical pain masks the emotional one long enough to smile.

I started cutting when I was in eighth grade... at first it wasn't much. It would be little cuts, only ever on my left arm so they were easier to conceal, and enough to give me the rush that I NEEDED, the pain that I could understand, the burning/bleeding that I craved. But as time wore on my wrists got more and more numb to the kitchen knife. After a huge move to a town that actually hated me more than the one I was in, and a miscarriage to a girl after 3 months, I lost my mind. I completely shut down. I didn't feel anything, and when I did allow myself to un-numb, I'd just start crying. I cried for a week straight before my tears just seemed to dry up. Then I'd just sob. I felt like I'd lost everything. In one night I'd lost a fiance and a daughter. I started cutting really badly. I stole a razor blade from the school and I had hidden it in a crack in my desk. I was cutting deeper, and trying to drink and cut so that the blood would thin and couldn't clot. One day I brought a suicide note to school. I had planned to kill myself there because I couldn't bare the thought of my mom finding me... She had been saying I was a coward for doing it and that hurt more than anything else. It fell out of my purse and I got locked in the counselor's all day... I almost had to go to Shodair, a mental health hospital for kids. All this time I was getting slurs thrown at me for being a redhead and being a bisexual. I felt like I had hit the bedrock on the Earth and kept drilling. I felt like I was the lowest I could possibly go.

I woke up one day and realized how much I hated myself. I decided to cut myself one last time as a goodbye. It was one August 11, 2011. My 16th birthday. Now I have been clean for over two years, and every day is a struggle. I still miss Kalie... I still wonder why I wasn't good enough for my father's love... I still wish that I could be someone that made everyone proud... but I don't cut to cope. I write. And I try to help anyone who wants help. I'm a Christian... but I don't shove that down people's throats. I also don't believe He hates me because I like men and women. And I wouldn't have been able to get this far if I didn't believe He helped me. I hope to go into high schools and share my story. If I can save one person's life, I will have fulfilled my purpose. If I can save a hundred people, I will have achieved true happiness.

I've now shared the hardest thing I've done in my life, along with some painful memories... now it's your turn. What is the hardest thing you have ever done in your life?

(P.S. If you want to talk, or want helpful tips on how to quit cutting, or need a friend or anything, just send me a friend request. Or, if that's too personal, just send me a message and I will do what I can to help you.)


Wow you are truly inspirtational! im glad that you conquered that!! so many people dont and its nice seeing people like doing it and then letting people know so that those who are going through it have hope.


I too found your story inspirational

Thank you for sharing.

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