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I’m not sure where to start and not sure even where to post this or should I even post it.
Something happened today that woke me up a little.
Confusion: I am a stubborn ass at times.
This can work for or against me.
When you get cancer and that means any sort of cancer you go through stages and they are pretty much the same as the stages of grief.
For the past ten years I have had chronic myeloid leukemia some of you know this but others this may come as a shock because I don't talk about it much.
So anyway I am OK with it I'm taking my meds and I'm fine.
Now for the truth Last check up I got a zero reading which is something I waited years for but in that last month I did not take all my meds so getting such a good reading came as a real shock.
But it was the reading before I was a little naughty and didn't take all my meds. This time I didn't get my zero reading I hoped for and that was for the time I was being naughty.
Since I got my zero reading I have taken all my meds. So next time I hope it should be zero again.
Today I told the one person in my life that makes me want to get through this other then my family.
She gives me hope for the future.
There was a time when I thought I would be glad if the world did end it just meant I didn't have to try so hard anymore and I could get a rest.
I have a lot going on in my life that is out of control. I try so hard to just get through each day with a smile but some days it ends in tears.
Over the last year there have been so many changes it's like I have been given a second chance.
Yes I made it through those 7 stages of grief and acceptance, now I am full of hope.
I want to thank you my friends for reading this and I want my love Jillian to know: I love you Jillian and I'm not going anywhere.
You're stuck with me for a long time to come.

Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.


I have a big hug for a friend.


huggggggs and have faith in yourself that you'll get better and TAKE YOUR MEDS lol


YES Amy i totally agree with you... TAKE YOUR MEDS EVERYDAY CAROL! and not when you feel like it, because thinking you are well when 1 test comes back good doesn't mean that you are over your illness. You are 1 of the lucky ones to escape the final end of the illness, but avoiding taking your meds CAN AND WILL allow the illness to reset itself. I will not stand by and watch another loved one die on me through silliness. REMEMBER we both lost Renee' Summers and how we both felt about her death. So why would you be so silly and allow me to go through the same thing again. I battle each day with the pain and sadness of her death. SO DON'T do the same to me again!!!!!! I love you but if you stuff around with your meds, i'll be very hurt. Just think about that!!
Now concider yourself shat out......
love you


I'll tell you of I wish I made some years ago while sitting in the doctor's waiting room alone.
I often went alone my husband was just not there for me in so many ways at the time I was very sick and I watched as a guy who had the same as me had his wife fussing over him. She had a note book full of her scribbles about everything that he was going through including all the side effects and it was like his whole story in her hands. I could see the love in her eyes.
I said to myself and maybe even out loud "I wish I had a wife who loved me like that"
Well time went by and my husband and I got separated he's a nice guy and the father of my two wonderful kids so we are friends.
But as I look back I see he was always so busy doing his own thing and really wasn't there for me when I needed it.
My friends ask me how did I stand that I guess the truth is I was very vulnerable at the time and I was trying to keep very body happy.
Since our separation I have made so many changes in my life all for the better.
I now am full of hope for the future.
My little wish I made looks like it's going to come true too.
I met a wonderful girl who nags me to takes my meds lol and I'm in heaven


I'm so very happy for you carol, you derserve the best and it seems you've found each other!



Oh you know I can be really naughty


Yes ..... lol


@jillian: I thought we were done chewing her out, me bad

@carol: bad carol, very very bad! Take you meds! ((((GetWellHugs))))

@amy: so when is the move happening? Are you excited?

@tommy: ((((((SquishyHugs))))))

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