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To My Inner Child! - Your WRITES

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To My Inner Child! (Warning, VERY SAD)

Writings by Renee’ Summers

The following letter to my inner child was one of the more difficult ones that I have written. I choose to share
it now because I want the pain of abuse to be known!! Please read with care if you are a survivor!!
If it is too difficult to read, then please stop. If, however, you are an abuser...then read this letter
and my prayer is that your heart will be broken!!

To My Inner Child!

Dear Blessed Little myself’,

What a life you have had!! Your strength is astounding to me.
You were always so little, like a delicate flower, but
no one noticed you, did they? No one cared. No one loved
you. No one cherished you. They didn't realize that you had
seen the face of God!!

You know something? You are a special child. You have survived
against incredible odds. You did not deserve to be yelled at
just because you were there. You did not deserve to be hit
with that belt. You did not deserve to be humiliated because
your skin was dirty. Your mother did not take care of you.
She only wanted to drink with her husband. She never heard
your tears, your fears, your needs. You did not deserve that!!

It was so scary to see your mother drunk and out of control.
Who would protect you against that mean father? the priest?
Then when she found out about him, she told you not to tell.
She said people don't talk about things like that! She lied!!

When you overdosed on aspirin, she never even knew. You could have
died!! Oh my precious child!! Hear me now, I love you!! Listen to
me again...I love you!!

When you cut your wrist with that razor blade, no one even knew.
No one saw the bandage that you yourself put over the gash.
How smart you were to do that! How strong you were!
Your parents are contemptible for the way they
neglected and abused such a beautiful little girl. Myself, you did
not deserve such abominable treatment!! You did nothing wrong!

I admire your ability to laugh and play even after living through
such hell! You couldn't play back then could you? It was not safe.
You were too busy trying to stay alive, and I thank you for that.
Because of your strength, I have a chance to live now. Can you feel
my hugs to you now? Yes, I know you can, and I feel your tears come.
It's ok to cry now. No one can hurt you now. No one will laugh at you.
You are safe. I will keep you safe. I feel your pain and I hear you.
My loving little girl, it's ok now. I love you. You are safe.

Do you remember that doll that you loved so dearly? I know you do.
You were such a good mother to her. You talked so softly and lovingly
to her. You wanted to be treated the same way. You wanted to be loved
like that. You knew HOW to love even then!! Even when you felt so unloved
you knew how to give love. You are incredible!! I see your smile.

When that priest touched you on your private parts you were scared beyond
belief. You didn't know what to do. Panic and fear froze your body.
He did adult things to you, but you were a child. You did the only thing
that you could do. You endured the atrocities of abuse!! Your father would
have beaten the crap out of you had you tried to tell.
Me/myself, you were not protected. I am so sorry for that.
No one will ever touch you again where you don't want to be touched.
I will protect you so carefully and diligently. No more bad touches.
He humiliated you didn't he, when he stuck his fingers into your tiny
body and gave you that smirk! I am furious
that that happened to you. I feel your anger. It is justified anger.
No guilt feelings allowed!! He was a BASTARD!!! He will burn in hell!!
How dare he rape you, then bow his head in prayer. Damn him!!

Men scare you, and I understand that. I will not let any man hurt you
again. Not all men are bad. I know the difference now. You help me to
know which men are safe, and which are not. I will listen to you. I will
hear your little voice. I will use my big voice to protect you. No one
will rape you, hurt you, humiliate you, or neglect you again.

You were so frightened tonight. Your heart was pounding in fear, hands
were shaking. You did not feel safe with me. You thought you needed
someone else to keep you safe. It must be me, the adult.
I neglected you tonight, and I am sorry. I will NOT do that again.
But it is up to me to keep you safe.
I will protect you. Yes, I know you are just a little
girl. But I am not, and I, the adult, will keep you safe.

One last thing, it is ok to love. It is ok to allow yourself to feel
and accept love. You ARE worthy of love. You deserve love.
You are an adorable child!!


Renee' was my friend the last few years of her life. We both knew we shared deeply-troubling father-issues, but I never told her mine and she never told me hers. I had never read this before, and yes it breaks my heart. Thanks for posting this, Jill because it gives me a deeper understanding of a dear friend I never really knew, deep down. What an amazing woman...and little girl.


An ode to dying
by Renee'
I wrote this shortly after I was raped and I believed I would rather die than live.

As I walk through this Dark Valley
With this never ending pain in my belly
I cry, why?
Why? Why? Why?
I’m lost in this spinning world
I’m so alone
I cry here on my own
I can’t take its highs and lows anymore
This pain and suffering hurts so sore
I don’t want to live no more
No sleep
No food
No! No! No!
I cry, why?
Why? Why? Why?

I just want to die
Die! Die! Die!
No friends
No lovers
No one
No! No! No!
Let me lie in death’s cold bosom
Let me feel death’s dark peace
Please death, give me this release
No more crying
No more tears
No more lies
No more! No more!

Don’t come near
For I’m full of hurt, I fear
I’m full of hate
Don’t come near
I need to walk through death’s door, my dear
No love
No hate
No smiles
Just peace
Oh give me this release

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