chud264 Posted October 22, 2012 Okay then, it's time you all knew, I don't know what has suddenly made me come out with this but I've been thinking a lot over these past few weeks, maybe it's because of the break up of my 6 month relationship, anyway, this is what I want to do, I may lose some friends on this site, maybe some respect from others, right then guys if you want to know about my dark past, read on, stick the kettle on, and give yourself some time to read this, it's going to be long, also one more thing, get some tissues, it's going to be emotional. I was 12, and this is when attraction towards people first came into my mind, I always thought that a boy couldn't have a boyfriend and a girl couldn't have a girlfriend, I always thought things like that were wrong - being gay was sick in my eyes, I then started feeling an attraction to a boy in my class, that's when the hell broke loose, I didn't really have a boyfriend until January 2005 - Paul, my first boyfriend - my quiet daft little Paul - he always told me how much he loved me after being together for 4 months, he told me I was special to him, the only one he could ever love, and I loved him... But I never told, Until September, before getting on the train to go home he said 'I love you' and I replied with 'I know' he then stopped me and looked me in the eyes and said 'I really mean it, Rich, I love you with all my heart, you are the most important person in my world right now, without you I would be nothing, I would do anything to make you happy even if that is without me, you are my special guy, I have never loved anyone like I love you, Rich I do love you more than you would ever know!' and then for the first time in 8 months I said to him 'I love you too' The next morning he was dead. He committed Suicide, overdose, still don't know why, after his death I went off the rails, I drank heavily - I was now 13 - I then wanted to not be gay as I thought it brought nothing but badness and pain and wanted to be straight, I done everything I could to force myself into being straight, I went to a lot of house parties and got really badly drunk, then my feelings for boys seemed to grow stronger and I hated it, I tried to stay away from all the boys I fancied. Then I met a boy I really liked and then I found out he was gay... You'd think I'd be happy, I was scared, scared that he'd find out about me being gay and tell everyone, so I hurt him, I attacked him and left him for dead... He survived but never told anyone, even tho he knew it was me, he stayed away from me and moved schools not long after, I then thought I knew how to get rid of them, by attacking all boy whom I fancied who were also gay, so all the gay guys I fancied would be attacked by me, I attacked about 5 boys over a period of 3 years. When I turned 14 my behaviour turned more and more unpredictable, even I didn't know what I was going to do, I felt like a prisoner in my own body, not in control, things happened and I didn't realise I done it until it was over, being 14 puberty hit therefore sexual attraction became 100 times stronger, sexual attraction to boys in my case. I still wanted to be straight so I thought that everyone goes through this in puberty, all boys fancy boys and all girls fancy girls and the only way you become straight is to fight these feelings - was I wrong! - I thought I'd force these feelings away by having sex, with a girl - I hated it, I hated myself for what I done, I used her, she liked me and I used her, I felt sick of myself, sick of the world, of my life... of being alive. I attempted suicide, used one of the sheets of my bed clothes and tied it to a door banister, the sheet ripped and I landed on my arse, so all I got was a sore backside, before 14 finished I attempted suicide one more time, same way as Paul I tried to overdose, I was just sick and sick for a few days. Then a few months before I turned 15 I fell on a wall and cracked 2 of my bottom ribs causing serious damage to my lungs, the bottom to left ribs snapped off the ends and punctured several air bags in my lungs causing me to cough up blood, I thought I was going to die, they then recovered them all, however, 3 air bags were too badly damaged and were recovered but are rather weak, a wire was tied onto the ribs at the bottom to support their recovery. 15 swung by, my behaviour was just shocking, I shocked myself at times, my drinking became more heavy - it's a wonder I didn't become an alcoholic! - I went around with the wrong crowd, a homophobic crowd, at a house party they set me up with a girl, and I had sex again with a 2nd girl, and again I hated it and felt sick of myself I went home and again I tried to kill myself, using solvents, but failed, I just got a bad nose and chest and gave up in the end. Then I finally hit Rock Bottom I fell for another boy and he kissed me right before I attacked him, I was hurt that I hurt him and then realised I couldn't fight my feelings, I was gay and there was nothing I could do about it, I didn't want that life, so I decided to end it, I tried overdose again my 4th, final, and closest attempt of suicide, I took so much pills it was unreal, I was vomiting a lot - it gets a tad weird by here - I don't know what happened I may of been high but I remember hearing Paul's voice screaming 'STOP!' I just laid there and I remember seeing a bright light come down upon me, I felt relaxed and calm for the first time in years, I slept peacefully and calmly for 10 hours for the first time in 3 years, I don't know what happened but then I just had enough of fighting my feelings and just accepted the fact I was gay, I had enough of fighting what was evidently who I am, I'm gay and I had enough of fighting it, but before I could confidently be comfortable with it, I met someone named Dylan and had a Split Personality - there was kind, loving Dylan, and evil twisted Jam, yes he called himself Jam - one day when Dylan was in his Jam state of mind he dragged me to the kitchen and got a knife and cut my left arm, 4 times, after that I started cutting myself, a lot, I finally managed to get rid of Dylan and restart my life, no more self harming, no more denying myself and no more worry. Then I came out at 17 and I had an incident of two boys one distracted me by asking me 'You're Richard? So you're gay then? Do you fancy me?' my reply was 'You're not lucky enough!' then someone from behind stabbed me in the upper right arm, the scar is still visible today, they both ran off obviously and I never saw them after that. That's it... My dark past over and done with, I understand if you guys are freaked out with what I've said and I understand I may have lose respect from most if not all of you, I understand if you want to remove me from your friends list, but hey, this is my past, I'm not proud of what I done but I can't change it.