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To Live and Die in LA ... http://youtu.be/10wIOm8bLJY - The Gay Christian Network

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i been trying to redefine myself since i've been on here and since my wife died. I'm really making an effort to share the conflict within me with anyone who will listen, whether in person or on the internet. It seems like all i think about is finding an outlet for my passion. It's hard being a starving actor for 16 years and no break, with little money. My desire and faith is so great I just cannot give up. But I've lost a lot of the zeal I originally had for acting in Hollywood because of the constant rejection. I would like to get it back, but here I am for some strange reason on gays.com to hopefully find someone who can reignite some kind of purpose inside me. i trust you guys cause it was the death of a cousin of mine who inspired me to go to Hollywood to become an actor. He was killed because he was gay and only 24 when i was 17. And I didn't know that it was my mom who actually killed him and not him at all who took the gun to himself. It is a horrible realization since last year i found this out, but being gay is always what i suffered with too-not able to share till now that I learn this.

I really believed my cousin Marcus (cause that's his name), but I call him Joey Cat, who killed himself. My name is Cantney, but I was born as David Jonathan till I changed it for Show Business purposes. Marcus introduced me to James Dean when I was 17 before he died. And he told me the story of that famous actor. He said I was like James Dean and when James died in car crash, he left a cat behind named Marcus. And that cat was named after James Dean's best friend Marcus when they grew up in Indiana together in late 1940's-it was his cousin younger than him-Marcus Winslow. Marcus said if you go to Hollywood Jimmy, I will kill myself because i will miss you. Jimmy wanted to die and Marcus knew it. James Dean felt all alone in the world, especially since James Dean's mother died when he was only 9, and abandoned by his father-to go live with the Winslows. So Jimmy got what he wanted and died young. He left his biggest fan behind.

Now, Marcus my cousin has left me, after telling me the story of James Dean. And I want to live for him. For you. The reader. Those who also suffer with this rejection by mother, father, everybody. James Dean wanted to create a revolution and he did. He showed them that if you keep doing this to me, you'll see! you'll see! I will leave you for good! And you will regret ever doing that to me again. Calling me stupid! Calling me good for nothing! He packed all his bags and left for Hollywood, where he attended UCLA because his father was living in Santa Monica and he wanted to reunite with dad. But dad rejected him again. The guys in college teased Jimmy and they dared him to stick his penis in the drain at the bottom of a pool to make fun of him. Jimmy did it cause he was a dare devil and he couldn't get his penis loose from drain sucking it. So finally they jumped in and brought him up. He was dead. But they did CPR on him and revived him. James Dean did a Coca Cola commercial and a few other stupid gigs and left to New York. It was there that a man discovered him on the streets and cast him in movie, East of Eden with main role. He became a star and then did Rebel Without a Cause and finally Giant. Giant was with Elizabeth Taylor and she's the one who gave him the cat named, Marcus. He died as quick as he became a star, also at the age of 24.

I knew there was much more to Christianity than what meets the eye in church where you look at only a casket. And I was right! Since i was a little boy in church, I felt everyone was dead and i was the only one alive. They just go on with the redundancy of 'life'. There was something more. Jesus was alive and not dead. Of course He's alive, they laughed at me. No! He's alive, for real! I saw Him there right before me, transcending through time and turning everyone to stone except me so He could tell me what He needed to say. He said He had a plan for me and He would help me escape. But I didn't know what terrible thing i needed to run from until what was to happen after that encounter. So the Bible is a testimony of many stories by men who encountered God. There is a secret text underlying what is written and it cannot be disciphered by any man except to whom is given understanding. It is good news and not bad news. But we can't talk about it or we will be killed.

So I thought and thought all this time what can i do to rekindle my dream of becoming an actor like i came out here to do in the 1st place? To pick up where James Dean left off. To find resolve for Marcus my cousin. To remember why I came out here to LA in the 1st place. And I thought of all the torment i went through at school growing up and how so many made fun of me and called me gay, just cause i was different. That was my passion was to get revenge on them for calling me the names they called me. And they didn't realize it was just love i had for everybody. What happened was my mom stopped me from having anything to do with my father once she left him suddenly for what reason, I do not know. She was dating police officers, men in showbusiness and even a marine cause she was so scared of whatever she saw in my dad all a sudden. And she told me to never be like him. And my sisters beat me really bad to make sure I never become like him. My mom was so scared, she tried to kill herself when i woke up at age 13 and found blood everywhere with police having guns drawn. I was to deny my father. And never be like him. And that's when my mom married the marine. I want vengeance for what all they did to me in the name of Jesus Christ. That is my passion.

But i think about this and wonder how to get vengeance. I cannot hate or do anything harmful to another, though I snap when I have recurring nightmare, but I got to love what I came to California to do, which is to become an actor. And that will be my vengeance. I will do what it is I love. And I will try to write this book about the little boy lost, the little bastard, and spit in their faces. I will wait and believe I will get a big break. My message to you will be that there is never any reason to give up and rather die, because there is someone out there who feels exactly how you do and will surely come if you wait and believe and fight! for what you want. Vengeance will be laughter and lots of joy that some of you find hope and a cause to hang in there. That God will honor you and give you safety from those who would take your dream away.




Hey Cat, sorry I haven't been around much lately. Thanks for sharing this. It was sobering. Even though I was a bean sprout when James was popular I thought he was a very deep person. I also felt like he never felt truely comfortable in his life. I really did like him.


Thanks Debbie. That's what's cool is i can still see you as kids. Lol.


I am a kid at heart! The decaying process of the body has very little to do with how I think or act. Life should be fun even in the serious moments. That type of attitude makes the journey a lot better.