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Deja_Low

Everyday I wake up to heartache..Letter to the love I thought was my life.. - Love and Romance

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Deja_Low
Posted

1 year and 8 months, thats how long we were together. Sooo many memories I cant forget, though i beg myself too. Never have I lied or cheated, because I didnt want to lose the good thing we had. I gave soo much to come here and be with you. My home, in Illinois, 17 hours away, where I had my amazing apartment, and all the things in it. Where I had my amazing job as an assistant teacher and a nanny, you cant even imagine how hard it was to leave my babies (niece and nephw), to say goodbye to them, I was the only protecting them from the ghetto, but I was soo in love, i had you so thats all I needed. You remember how hard it was for me to find a job here, how i cried because i missed home, and missed knowing my surroundings, but you convince things would get better. So I stayed because our love was soo amazing I thought. I remember how we use to cook for eachother, and we howwe couldnt eat until we gave eachother kisses. I remember how proud we were of our apartment, how we loved to fix it up, and most of all how we had a 2nd bedroom we were going to decorate for baby, because you told me, everytim you see someone pregnant you get jealous, how you wished it was me, and sometimes imagine it as if it was me. I remember when we started looking for a donor, itwas soo complicating, i cried because of the stress, but you would say, " its ok baby, it just take time, we will find someone," and we did. but i didnt know how painful the process was going to be, like a pep smear but much worse. 3 times I went through the pain, the last time only barely 2 weeks ago. Then I remember waking up, and all of a sudden you hated life, your job, and the peopleyou worked with, and wasnt sure about our relationship.
Said you wanted to be free, just a break to figure you life out, that you felt depressed, like you didnt make anything of your life. I told you I can help you through this time, because thats what couples are for, to help eachother through tough times. I felt soo depressed, like it was me who didnt do somethng right, i remember i even talked to you about smoking, just so that you could love me more, and think I was more fun, the crazy thing is, that you didnt tell me, no baby dont do that, you dont need to do that, you just said i wouldnt care. I remember the breakdown I had when the first insemination didnt work, i couldnt stop cryng and screaming, you held me tight and said its going to be ok, we have all the time in the world. I remember when you met her, Kirsten Shortt, how she sent you flirst while I was standing next to you, i got upset but you said it was innocent. I remember catching you both flirting, you BEGGED me for your forgiveness, and because i was sooo in love with you I did forgive you, and told you i just didnt want you both being friends again. But you didnt listen, i always got upset when you talk to her, I accuse you and her of still flirting, you would yell at me, that i dont trust you. I would feel so down. To the point where I started hurting myself. Then remember the day that everything i feared came true. The txt messages from you to kirsten saying how you missed her touches and her kisses. How she was soo sexy. How while you were saying that to her,I was crying my heart out and you were telling me that not being with me is the hardest thing you had to do, how you love me so much but that you were sick and needed time to fix yourself. I remember your eyes as i read that. You yelling at me to give your phone back saying, " Well now you know, now give me my fucking phone" the heart ache i felt was sooo unbearable. I GAVE EVERYTHING TO BE WITH YOU, I SOLD EVERYTHING BUT MY CLOTHES TO BE HERE, everyday you look me in the eyes and say how much you love me, up until that very day. All the times the 3 of us hung out together at parties or whatever, and everyone knew what was going on except me. I remember how i put the knife to my wrist out of heartache and pain, how i felt like my whole world was ending and i had nothing left to lose. I remember how after everything you told if you had to do it all over, you wouldnt, but how i found out that when you were saying that Kirtsten was in your arms. I remember wanting you back soo bad even after you hurt me, because i wanted our lives back, the life i thought was PERFECT. How theres a chance that im pregnant. How i told my mom everything, when i was always afraid to tell her i was a lesbian, but because I felt like i didnt have anything left to lose, I didnt care what she thought. I remember the people who helped me as much as they could, the people I knew as your friends, had just became mine. I thank god for them talking to me, because I know if they didnt i wouldnt be here, because i felt so worthless. I remember drinking sooo much lastnight not caring if i was pregnant, because you had txt me, you were with kirsten at the time having a movie night, the same movie we watched together. Tho you told me you 2 werent together anymore. I layed in bedin all i could think about was ALL the memories we had, how I made you get in the shower when my mom came over while we were in the middle of having sex, how i tickled you so hard you fell on the floor in hit your head on the vase. How you told me, that you love me soo much, that I made you the good person that you are today and you dont know where you would be without me, how big you thought my heart was, you said you never met anyone with a heart like mine. I rememberd how 3 days ago you told me, you cant see yourself being without me, that i matter more to you than anyone.And how i thought your family didnt like me,and you tried hard to convince me that eveyone loved me,especially your sister and dad.
Then I go back again and remember EVERYTHING I GAVE TO BE WITH YOU. How much i changed for you, telling every guy who hit on me, sorry I have a girlfriend. How everyone i worked with knew about our perfect rellationship i thought we had, because i couldnt stop talking about you. Then i remember the txt messages from you to her, the pictures of her practicly naked in your phone, how while im so heart broken you and her are together not even a hour after everything.
MY HOME, MY FAMILY, MY BABIES, MY JOBS, MY BELONGINGS... I gave for YOU, yet im still here crying about you, wanting to feel your touch one last time, or feel your touch of a new begginning though you hurt me like Ive never been hurt before, You hurt me like no other. And i dont think you have no regret for it, that makes it hurt even worse.
Im sorry I wasnt good enough for you, Im sorry for what ever I didnt do right. Im SORRY for loving you with my whole heart instead of half so i wouldnt get hurt, im SORRY for actually believing you were the most amazing thing that could happend to me. IM SO SORRY FOR LOVING YOU!..

Tell me how to move on? How do I forget and try to love again when I was hurt soo bad? Why do love have to hurt so damn much? Why shouldnt I just end this life now instead of enduring more pain?


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Victoria_Byrd
Posted

Damn Sweetie. I know exactly how you are feeling. I was in almost the same situation. So in moving on, its going to be very hard. I know and understand that. You have got to take it one day at a time. Wake up every morning and smile thru the pain, laugh thru the hurt. Take the time out repair your heart. You will love again. I promise you that with time, the pain will be gone and this will be a distant memory in your mind.


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Deja_Low
Posted

Thank you, its soo hard to imagine moving on, she was my first everything, I thought she would be my only.


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Posted

I was in the same situation last year i was with my partner for 3 yrs and i wanted while he was in prision and gave up everything to be with him i was so in love. I did everything for him when i found out that he was cheating with this female it broke my heart literaly and i cried for months and he took everything i owed and i had to move back in with my parents. My point is that its been six months and im doing good and since then i realized i like females. But the point is that we all deal with things in our own way cry it out in the shower or whenur alone crying it out will make u feel better but remeber it was her that messed up and she lost u not the other way around and that you deserve to be with someone that will love, honor and protect your heart. And in its own time you will find her and because of this you will be stronger. I hope you are doing ok.


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Deja_Low
Posted

Thanks alot, Ive cried soo much, but doing better already. Thanks for your words.


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Denise_DiCostonoto
Posted

Hi Deja,
Please know that is not your fault when a person has know idea how to love you!!!. Time will heal your heart and you will love again. We must endure pain and hurt to have the ability to reconize when good love comes our way. Just know that love is not pain, because love does not hurt, its the people that cause the hurt and pain. Stay strong and take your time with getting back out there with dating, its a lot of quanity out there but very little quality.


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Deja_Low
Posted

Thank you. Its hard not to think its my fault sometimes, when someone leaves you to be with someone else, it makes you feel like you lacked something, didnt do somethng right, should have been better.


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