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Should I come out to my Dad? - Gay Guys! <3

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Posted

So here's my situation. I live in a family that some of them know that I am gay, however, my Dad doesn't know that I am gay. My dad is very homophobic and if he found out that I am gay, then I would most likely not have a home to come back to. I have been thinking whether or not to tell him and suffer the consequences of doing so. I have had some help a friend of the family (and that friend does know that I am gay) over the social networking site Facebook. She has told me that if I don't tell and he rather hears it from my family, then he will be even more heartbroken and hate me even more and think of me as not his son, which I think will be either case.

So the question is should I come out to my dad and fight my fears, or be a wuss and hide myself back in the closet?

Any help is muchly appreciated. Thank you!


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Dave_Mack
Posted

Before you make that sort of decission you need to have a PLAN B in place.. somewhere to go LONG TERM to live. Whether it be a family friend or relative you need somehting lined up. You don't mention your mom. Would she stand up to your dad for you? Is there any chance he could get violent? Might he send you to some place to be "fixed"? I would suggest you consider all these before you tell him. Depending on your age you may have rights.
One last point, he may already know and just is waitng for you to confirm it. Remember you are still the same person he nurtured when you were born. You didnt make a conscious choice to be gay. As for religion don't even go there.
Weigh all these factors before you make any coming out decissions..

Keep me posted..
Dave


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Matt_De_Martin
Posted

Well.. Before I said anything, you must make sure that you have somewhere to go in case he reacts badly and doesnt let you back in.

I told my parents who were very homophobic and they said nothing, and still havent really said anything about it, prefering not to admit it i think. All i can say is i would tell him before he finds out from someone else. Sit down with him and preferably with someone else that can support you and just tell him.

He will have to accept you for you. If not, you need to live your life, not hide from it...

Not sure if this helped...


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Posted

Well I would tell him and make him promise before u tell him that he will love u no matter what. Then tell me take it slow dont overwhelm him with it it or he will blow but take it slow let him take it slow


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Jed_Morton
Posted

This is a somewhat different approach than the others above, but I usually feel that what a person doesn't know won't hurt them. Your personal life and sexual preference isn't really any business of your Dad's, it's yours alone. I fail to understand why everyone in the world has to know all about everyone else's sex life. If you think he'll be devastated by your admission to him, why torture himself and yourself by bringing it up? If he happens to find out from someone else and confronts you with it, tell him the truth: that you were scared to tell him because you feared his reaction. That may wake him up and make him realize that he may need to be more tolerant of your situation.
Live your life as you need to, and if it doesn't coincide with your Dad's view of things, so be it. And if you're concerned about the possibility of his throwing you out of the house and you have no place else to go, what other choice do you have but to keep this to yourself -- at least for the time being. There are lots of points of view on this -- mine is only one. But I thought I'd share it with you, hoping it may be of some help. Lots of luck to you.


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Andy_Walker
Posted

I agree with all that Dave, Matt and Jonathan have said. Have a plan B in place if things get ugly, but make sure that your Dad knows that you love him, no matter what.

It is your life, not your parent's fault and you need to be open and honest..Providing you are safe and have somewhere to go (ie Plan B) just sit down with your Dad and calmly explain things. He surely is not a monster!

Good Luck, and be brave.


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Posted

@ Dave I think my Mum knows well and truly by now but I haven't told her personally about it. I don't know if she would stand by me and support me. I don't think my Dad would become violent, he's not that type of person and no he's not a dedicated Catholic or Christian, so he wouldn't send me to a place to be "fixed".

Thank you guys for the suggestions. They were all exactly what I was thinking of doing before I started this discussion. ;D


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Posted

Be careful.Think through jed s advice as what he said is just as relevant as the others.It is your life.Mothers always know,they care more (for some unknown reason).Their intuitive processes seem to be able to detect things.Good luck.I know a gut who told his dad,the results,not viiolent were not nice.


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Posted

well i agree that you should think things through...& consider any & all the possibilities...learn to expect the unexpected & keep an open mind...i don't know your reason/s that you say your dad's homophobic...or maybe you think he might be homophobic...i know i thought that my dad homophobic...but when it came down to coming out...he was the 1st one to say i always knew and i still love you no matter what you are...my mom on the other hand took some time but she came around & everyone else followed...so i don't know maybe you think he's homophobic but he really isn't...but as i said before i don't know your reason/s for calling your dad homophobic...while it may not be you dad's business to know your sexual preference...it's up to you to decide to tell him or not...but as everyone else here has mentioned be prepared for anything...and if it comes to a bad scenario...my advice would be to give it time...& have faith in whatever you believe in...and gather your strength to pull through...i hope everything works out...


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Posted

To be quite honest, coming out really isn't (or shouldn't be) something other people can tell you whether to do or not. The advice for thinking about it which others have given is quite sensible.

I would like to say though, that you are a not a 'wuss' for staying in the closet - far from it. Don't listen to those awful Milk-wannabes who inevitably turn up everywhere who try to make everyone come out regardless of circumstance. They've wrecked god knows how many lives. If you have good reason to believe that you may be rendered homeless by coming out - then staying in the closet is far from the 'wussy' option, and if you don't have a strong contingency plan in place then coming out may well be quite reckless.

Choosing your moment for coming out carefully and cautiously is very sensible and is a decision that you alone are best qualified to make - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


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Posted

You have some really good comments for you on this.Allt he guys make good advice,your sexual perference is yours alone and nobody elses,you do have to have some kind of plan in case things go badly,as many guys on here have said.What it boils down to is really how you feel what you want to do,how you want to live your life,though all the advice on here is excellant,it really is down to you,no-one can help make that deciesion for you,if you feel its time those closer to you should know,then tell them,but be prepared for any situation,just remember this is your life and you must live it as you choose to,what makes you happy,i wish you all the luck with this and whatever you choose you will know that it was always your choice and your life.


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Posted

^ agreed.


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JJ_NN
Posted

i agree with Jed Morton,although ot is a tota;ly different aproach.

JJ


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John_Forbes_50499
Posted

yes u should have a plan but it would b better 4 him 2 hear it from u than from some1 else.


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Posted

i too agree to have a backup plan before telling him, but in reality, why is it that we should have to live in a hidden world. its a sad shame :-(


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Michael_Wolfe
Posted

I have to agree with what was said here and just add like everyone else said be carefull and wait for the right time to talk to your dad..


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Homer_Bozarth
Posted

i woulod tell him so he would not hear it from any one but you


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Jules_Parker
Posted

I was married had daughters and then came out, as a gay friend threatened to black mailed me by saying he would tell my family and friends, the living in fear he would do this can really make one unhappy, and in a way this is the same for you, if people know about you it's only a matter of time before the word will get around, I think you have to set up a plan B, and now rather than later, approach those you think will understand first, be prepared to make big changes in your life, family and friends can be more understanding than you think, in my case I have never been more happy since I came out, as I now have nothing to fear on that front. you will have to except you may lose some friends, your real friends will stand by you, as for you dad, when you have plan B set up, write him a letter telling him how much you love him and that you never want to hurt him, and that you want to share his love for the rest of your life, but there is something I have to tell you.... this should soften the blow a little, in the end you could lose your fathers love, but he may come round at a later time, if he hears by word of mouth he will not believe it until it's been made clear to him by someone it's true, he will hate you more if this happens, or alternately if losing your fathers love is to much for you to bear set up plan B and hope he never finds out, live in fear he may I can tell you, you won't be happy until the fear had gone, if you decide to live with a man there's a really good chance he will find out, in the end only you can decide


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Andy_Walker
Posted

If it is of any help, my mother knew I was gay when I was a young teenager. She took on the job of telling my Dad, and although there were moments of discomfort and awkwardness with my Dad, he eventually came to understand that I love him and we are now great friends.

I never had a problem with "Plan B" because I moved from my parents' house at 17, but if was still living at home at the time it would have been really tricky.

Every comment in here makes a great deal of sense. I hope that we have all given you some ideas and the confidence to simply be yourself. Do not be afraid, and a "Plan B" is crucial.

Good Luck.


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