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Jony_Star

Old Friends - Poetry Group

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Posted

Valuable memories still dear to me…
Times that were exciting and fun…
Our friendship isn’t what it used to be…
We were two and now I’m only one…

We were like sister and brother…
Walking together holding by hand…
Looking out for each other…
There was nothing we couldn’t withstand…

Our friendship now lost in existence…
Something I never thought I’d see…
Separated by this unknown distance…
Now you’re no longer with me…

I sit here on a lonely night
My heart and soul in pain…
I hope we get to reunite…
I don’t want to wait in vain…


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Kristoffer_J_Martin
Posted

Its a nice poem, but there is something that was told to me in my poetry classes and well all my writing classes. We have to becareful when writing poetry and trying to rely on unearned sentiment. You tell an interesting story here, but the poem its self needs work. You start with a brilliant but simple rhyme scheme which disappears in the rest of the poem. May I suggest you rewrite this. Follow these rules; be concise, precise, and explicit in your imagery. Don't try to force emotions on to the reader. Let them gain a sense of emotion from your writing with you being so direct about it. Rather than telling us "my hear and soul in pain" show it.


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Posted

thanks for the pointers...i'll be sure to keep them in mind....


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Kristoffer_J_Martin
Posted

I swear I'm never going to use IE to post to Gays.com again. The blasted thing continued to go to the homepage every flipping time I tried to post that comment. Sorry for the minor errors, I've fixed them now.


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Posted

Jony I am a published poet and I liked it. Poetry is about self expression and you express it well here and I do not feel it is forced. In fact your poem is better then most I have read here. I read so many poems on this forum that are just so all over the place and everyone thinks they are wonderful. I like a poems that give feeling and yours does. Its okay to give criticism too but you don't tell someone to rewrite their poem. No teacher would say that and if they do then they are not good teachers. Case and point - my father is a professional journalist and I used to show him my work and he would ask me questions if I did not get the point across well . Like tell me what everything your feeling here Jeanie, or is there anything you want to add. I know you meant well Kristoffer but no one has the right to tell someone to write it over.
I look at your poem Jony and I feel the emotion completely. The only thing I may suggest is would you want to interject what may have happened ? It's not necessary but it may give it more understanding. Poetry can be very vague for us to figure out what the poet is saying or it can be just right out there and its okay. Here is a poem I wrote about my aging parents and you both tell me what you think.

“With Respect from Wisdom”

Looking in their eyes,
As the years take their toll,
Causes you to pause;
Then before you know it,
And never are told,
Changes in your parents,
Start to unfold,
Looking down life’s,
Uneven journey,
Through many tall trees,
And crooked roads.

While silence,
Has become golden,
You look at them and smile,
Knowing what the future holds.
But what is important,
Is they loved you,
And realize that nothing else matters,
Because you are part of them,
And love them in return.

The mind loses some sparks,
And the hearing goes awry,
The eyes become fixed,
As the mind,
Searches for events,
That were then,
Listen,
As the clever wits find,
Old stories,
To connect,
Bringing closure
Or
Answers
To our lives.

Joints become stiff,
As the pace of life,
Slows down a bit,
Remembering great celebrations,
And special moments,
In all our lives,
And tears start to fall,
From memories we have kept.

Many years of wisdom,
Guided you through strife,
Even though you seldom took it,
You learned they were usually right.

You stare at yourself in the mirror,
As you watch your parents days decline,
And start to listen more carefully now,
At any lessons you can find.

As the days come closer,
To saying goodbye,
We try to settle our differences,
And find forgiveness,
As we recite each line;
So the good memories,
Stay in our minds,
And the last precious moments
We had in our lives.

To continue a legacy,
We must guide our own family,
By good examples,
Of what we have learned,
So the cycles of life,
Become stronger,
And linger on.

With all my love
Jeanie 02/28/2011

Poetry does not have to rhyme and even though we learn in school the different kinds of poetry, today there are no strict rules. In this poem I change my sequence of my stanza's and even though it may not pass well in a class setting no publisher who wants to publish it would say I can't do that. That is the nice thing about poetry. You create what you want to say. Now if the thoughts are all jumbled around and do not flow then I can see Kristoffer's point but your thoughts flow very nice in m opinion. Hey Kristoffer could you show us one of your poems.


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Posted

well it's always nice to get advice...that way i could get better...i do see that this poem is mysterious about what happened...but that's because not even I know what happened...i don't know her reasons for growing apart...so it's also a mystery for me as well...Kristoffer you said i wasn't specific on how my heart and soul are in pain..but the actual process of remembering the good times of our friendship and what i thought our friendship meant is what causes me pain...remembering and then coming back to reality...i know poems usually don't have to rhyme...but something about rhyming makes it fun for me...i like you poem jeanie...especially the title...the process we all go through with our parents...


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