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Rachel_J_Dillon

Tales From Thelenor - Writers Nook

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Rachel_J_Dillon
Posted

Winter Lonesome
I opened my eyes. And I heard them. Arguing. All the time, they were always arguing. With the little amount of will that I had I managed to step up out of my bed, and get dressed. Knock knock. “Yes?” I asked fully knowing whom it was. “Hello and good morning.” In walked my brother, Drew. I wiped off my eyes, and allowed him into my room. “How have gotten on this morning?” “Just fine, thank you.” “Good. Oh, and Lily?” I looked at my brother and saw such amount of sleepiness, that I could fall asleep myself. Drew spoke in a rather quiet way. “Mum wants to see you.” I dropped onto my bed, and stared up at the ceiling.
Oh god. I thought to myself. If mum wishes to see me then she can do it by looking in a photograph. I got up from my bed, and started out of my room. Drew stopped me before I could get too far down the hallway and said, “Good luck.” He winked and smirked. I began to smile, and walked down the stairs. My smile slowly faded away into straight face, as I walked into the den. “My dear,” Mum held out her arm and expected me to come to it, but I kept my place. She pulled her arm back beside her and said, “Yesterday you said you wanted to have a word when I was done with your father, so. Yes?” She actually remembered. I’m surprised. “Yes, well. I wanted to ask you if.” “Speak up dear.” While speaking a bit louder. “I would like to ask you about our Christmas tree.” Her young face bloomed with the word of a tree. She always seemed so dainty, so. Flowing. Her bright bleach blonde hair was starting to annoy me. She opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off “Although if you’re busy with other things, then we can just wait until next year.” She nodded sadly without speaking, and looked wistfully away.
I walked slowly back up the stairs, and I began to cry. My stupid curly dirty brown hair kept getting in my way of my dark blue eyes, and I already could barely see because of the tears. I went to my room, closed the door, turned around, and nearly screamed. Drew was sitting on my bed waiting for me. While the wait he apparently had opened up my favorite Edgar Allen Poe book and began to recite “The Raven”. He looked up and saw the tears falling off of my now pale skin. My ears twitched a bit when I heard my mother and my father screaming at each other again. Drew came over and hugged me. He then whispered in my ear. “What happened?”
We sat down side by side on my bed, and I told him that all I wanted for Christmas was a tree. “We must be the only Christian family in the world who doesn’t have one.” I had now stopped my seemingly pointless crying, and leaned onto Drew’s lap. “Why do we have to put up with this Drew? We’re good kids. We want what’s best for everyone.” I felt Drew laugh a little, and as he started to pet my hair he said, “Well, let’s go.” “Go? Go where?” “To find us a tree silly!”
I hopped off the bed, and smiled. “I’ll get the string and the blanket, if you get the ornaments and cut down the tree.” He nodded and pulled out the saw he kept beside his bed, for every year we must go out and get our own. You know, after my little crying attack, which happened every year.
Drew ran outside in his sneaks and a jacket, but I put on my coat and looked around for my boots. Oh no. I thought. They’re in the den. “Ah Well” I mumbled to myself as I slipped on my old worn out shoes and ran outside after Drew. Amazingly there was snow on the ground, which I got a face full of when I slipped on some ice beside the porch. I got up and searched around for Drew. He couldn’t have gotten far. As I was thinking this, I felt something squeeze my sides. “AHH!” I screeched. I turned around and saw Drew on the ground laughing. I found this a perfect chance to get him back. I knelt down and picked up a ball of snow and threw it at his back, because there was nothing else to throw at because he was rolling around. As soon as the snowball hit him, he laid very still. “Drew?” He was lying on his stomach and not moving at all. “Drew I know that a simple snowball couldn’t possibly kill you.” I sat on my knees, and looked over him. “Drew?” Out of nowhere, he sat up and smacked me in the face with a snowball as well. “Ow!” He got up and started to run into the forest as I followed closely behind. When I finally caught up to him he was standing in front of a small pine tree and was already to start cutting it down.
“Hold the top of the tree, right there.” He pointed to a part of the tree which I was supposed to hold. I held on tightly and the tree began to fall into my hands, and we started to take the tree back to the house, but we were stopped at the front door. “Lily come and make dinner, sweetie.”
“Just a moment mother!” Drew had already started up the stairs with the tree, and looked like he was ready to start putting it through the window of his bedroom. This is how Drew and I put up our tree every year. I had gone into the front door, and found my mother sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette, which made it so I could hardly breathe. I walked over to the stove and noticed a pan already on it with a can of soup sitting inside of it. I quietly asked her “What do you want me to make?” She made a chuckling noise and said “Honestly darling I’m sure your smart enough to figure that out.”
After I had finished making her blessed soup, I ran as fast as I could to Drew’s room, only to notice that the tree was already inside, the tree holder was ready, and Drew was standing there waiting for me to get there. “Hold this for me, will ya ‘Lil?” I grabbed the top of the tree and lifted it up so Drew could put the tree holder underneath it. It took a few tries, but we got it.
Once the tree was set up Drew pulled out a large brown box, that looked like a traveling suitcase from the early 1930’s or so, and opened it. It was our ornament box that had three small compartments. One was labeled “Drew”, another “Lily” and the last was noted as “Family”. All of the ornaments (Which were all home-made) were either big or little, full of glitter or none at all, and some had pictures but most of them did not. Drew always put up the ornaments in the “Lily” compartment, and Lily always put up Drew’s.
Soon they had a tree full of little sparkling colors. All that was left was the one star in the “family” compartment. It was gold with the one photo that me and Drew could find of them and our parents. Not arguing, not fighting, and just being loving like a normal family. Drew reached up and placed the star on the top of the tree, the only place where Lily could not reach. Then we stood back, and looked over our beautiful creation.
Drew reached his arm over my shoulders and whispered in my ear, which tickled very much “I love you. One day we’ll leave this place and I’ll take you somewhere you would never have imagined.” I leaned over and nearly fell asleep on his shoulder, so he said it would be a good time to go to bed.
Every year I sleep in Drew’s room on Christmas eve, then I’ll wake up and my present from Drew and my present from Father Christmas would be found underneath the tree. That night in particular I was very excited for my presents, because earlier Drew had said that he got me something very special.
Drew got out the extra blanket from under his bed and placed it neatly on his floor along with a pillow and a warm glass of chocolate milk. Soon enough I had fallen asleep.
Next thing I knew it was 3:46 in the morning and Drew was standing over me holding a suitcase. “Lillian, you need to listen to me.” I tried to rub my eyes enough to see him. “You have to be as quiet as you possibly can."








Posted

I think I might have commented on this b4, if not to u, someone else.

USE PARAGRAPH INDENTATIONS. Otherwise, the reader gets discouraged looking at one...l-o-n-g block of copy (yes, I know there are 'some' writers that can get away with it, just as e.e.cummings never capitalized anything in his poetry.) But try and be standard at least until you develop a rep...lol.

You said: "My stupid curly dirty brown hair kept getting in my way of my dark blue eyes, and I already could barely see because of the tears." Yeah, stupid is how you might feel, but not an apt descriptive for hair...it really can't be "stupid." Yes, I know what u were trying to say. It would make a lot more sense to me if someone was SAYING that, not observing it (IMHO.) Further, why "dark blue eyes." I don't see the purpose of this descriptive unless u'r trying to impress the reader with the color of your eyes. Again IMHO.

"leaned onto Drew’s lap." Did you mean "Drew's shoulder"? Hard to lean into a "lap" I'd think...IMHO.

"You know, after my little crying attack, which happened every year." "HAPPENS every year" I think would be better.

"I knelt down and picked up a ball of snow and threw it at his back, because there was nothing else to throw at because he was rolling around." Last phrase awkward or unecessary. Read it to yourself.

"When I finally caught up to him he was standing in front of a small pine tree and was already to start cutting it down." He was "already cutting it down" or "he was "ready to start cutting it down." Which?

"I could hardly breathe" (NO E)

"After I had finished making her blessed soup" (I know u did not mean the soup was "blessed" but it it was "her effed up soup" find a different word or another way to say it (e.g, "...her damn soup" or "her favorite soup" or whatever.)

"...the early 1930’s or so." (Early 30s is generic enough; no need 2 say "or so."

"All of the ornaments (Which were all home-made) were either big or little, full of glitter or none at all, and some had pictures but most of them did not." [weak; come on, writer, make the ornaments 'live' in my mind. Your descriptives here are "blah."]

"It was gold with the one photo that me and Drew ... ." [Drew and I! Me is a "subject" here.]

"Drew reached his arm over my shoulders and whispered in my ear, which tickled very much “I love you. One day we’ll leave this place and I’ll take you somewhere you would never have imagined.” I leaned over and nearly fell asleep on his shoulder, so he said it would be a good time to go to bed. "

I suspect u don't really have a brother...lol...as the above is very "familar" with most brothers that I know.

Anyway, 'nuff from me. Hopefully I"m not critiquing a piece for your English class tomorrow! Grrrrr.


Rachel_J_Dillon
Posted

XD Nahh it's not for English, thanks though. I just wanted someone to judge my paper, 'cause I knew I probably wouldn't do a very good job. Well saying how I was the one writing it. Teehee. I always have a little trouble with descriptions, and can never think of what to put, even though I can see it in my mind. Also, when I put it on this, the website took away all of my tabs! it was ever so irritating. "He was already cutting down" is what I was trying to say. Often times it can take up to 8 minutes or more to cut down a tree, and you don't really need a spotter until the last 5 minutes. I said 'Blessed soup" by trying to act like an irritated child. I know personally that when I'm with my mother and very irritated, I say things like; "Your Highness" or " Your Majesty". And I was trying to put that little bit of me into my story. Lastly I DO have brothers. Four of them to be exact, and I don't totally get what you were saying on that second to last paragraph. But thanks all the same!


Posted

By famiiar, I meant "overly affectionate."

But, I never had sisters, so I wouldn't know!

You're actually too harsh on yourself. The story is GOOD, I'm just tightening it up.

Or as my boss said today, after I "edited" an offical government announcement that was supposed to go "as is," nothing's easy with you, Howard is it?

"No boss," I replied, but as a former military journalist, I can't stand to see bad phrasing, typos, or misspellings (although I do them myself.)

So, keep writing.

Or as my English teacher once said to me after she saw me reading a "Writer's Magazine" in college:

"You want to be a writer, Rogers? Well, then, READ, READ, READ...and WRITE, WRITE, WRITE...and then when you get up ten years later, you just might be a writer. But reading some magazine on "writing" won't make you a writer."

She was right!


Posted

By famiiar, I meant "overly affectionate."

But, I never had sisters, so I wouldn't know!

You're actually too harsh on yourself. The story is GOOD, I'm just tightening it up.

Or as my boss said today, after I "edited" an offical government announcement that was supposed to go "as is," nothing's easy with you, Howard is it?

"No boss," I replied, but as a former military journalist, I can't stand to see bad phrasing, typos, or misspellings (although I do them myself.)

So, keep writing.

Or as my English teacher once said to me after she saw me reading a "Writer's Magazine" in college:

"You want to be a writer, Rogers? Well, then, READ, READ, READ...and WRITE, WRITE, WRITE...and then when you get up ten years later, you just might be a writer. But reading some magazine on "writing" won't make you a writer."

She was right!


Posted

I also caught two grammatical errors at least even on my post...lol

("But reading..." is not a full sentence and forgot the astrophes after "I replied.")

So, a good editor will catch your mistakes.

It's the content which is hard and at your age, you're doing just fine.

Keep writing!


Rachel_J_Dillon
Posted

Thanks, and I'm always WAY too hard on myself. XD It's a bad habit I'm trying to break. But anyways thanks.



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