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Cheylissa_J._Leighton

Love of my life I can't have. - Love and Romance

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Posted

So ...

There's this woman in my life I am completely in love with and have been for years. Except due to restrictions in her job and my position we can't even be friends let alone explore anything further. I can't even know what she thinks of me in any form.

She knows every way I think of her and how I feel and how much it drives me crazy because while she's in my life it's difficult to move on, but the frustration of not being able/permitted to impact her, or if I do, it not being known really gets to me.

I don't daydream sexual things about her, no need for that - but I do wish desperately for intimacy. But I can seperate it fairly perfectly when I see her from my job as a patient and don't steal that time for anything unprofessional.

I'm used to moving on from knowing how someone responds to me, good or bad. I'm unsure how to when I have no clue whether this person I love would be interested in me or not, if rules and boundaries weren't in the way. Not to mention an inability to also just tell me her feelings.

Do I just assume their negative and move on that way? From the feelings of love that is. Or how else do I do it. How else do you accept that someone you feel who is ideal (but you can't quite be sure) for you can never be, can never find out and move on without knowing. What is it that you let go of to keep your sanity and move on?

Would love for anyone's help or possible suggestions.


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Posted

i am truly sorrry you are stuck on this woman. let's just chalk it up once to an unabailable straight woman. You are having a hard time with the fact that she is aunavailable to you. And she is not reciprocating any response. Dont hold your breath waiting for her to respond. Leave it in the past. She can't love you for whatevere reason. WAlk away knowing that you you did what you could to let this unavailable woman in your life. You have love still in your heart, take to one who will accept and reciprocate your love. You deserve love.


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Posted

She's not necessarily straight and that doesn't always make one unavailable either I should add (my last partner thought she was straight).

I'm having trouble with her not reciprocating response, yes. But she isn't to be unkind or to hurt me, she's professionally not able to, it would be unethical. I wonder whether she just could and it be over with, but as far as I know, there are boundaries to not permit a response. I'm unwell so have a number of doctors in my life and discussed this with another one I do have and as sympathetic as they can be, they've more definitavely let me know that it can't really be a reciprocated discussion sadly.

In all I am able to tell her, I do struggle to tell her that the total lack of response has me stuck. Not even the lack of recepricotation as much as response even. But I don't know if that comes from a fear I will get a negative response and be unable to cope with it - even though I've just said I know a response isn't permitted. Maybe I should print this out.

As I sort of commented, I can't leave it in the past and walk away as this is someone I still have to see quite regularly. That's where I'm stuck on what method to use to move on from my feelings so I can still keep seeing her professionally.

I'd love to take someone in who would accept and reciprocate my love, but I first have to move on from a very deep love that I have for this person and have had for many years. I'm not a very flippant person either, so I'd like to start it somehow because it will take time, because I didn't fall in love lightly.

I hope that all made sense.

Thanks for your response though.


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Posted

I am sorry if I came off with she is straight, but straight woman do sort of wonder what if would be like with a woman. So it doesn't apply to you. But still do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who cannot return the love you need as well. It is either time to tell her and find out or move on. Take a chance and find out, just to be sure. She can verbally tell you to buzz offf, and hey, that would be the answer that has your panties in twist. Good luck. You will survive no matter what she says. You are cute and have lots of love to give and not afraid to try to love, There should be a hundred woman lining up at your door to get love in return. Too bad I am not younger.


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Posted

Thanks for your very kind reply.

I have told her. It's a subject we've addressed a number of times because of how much it distresses me. She's one of my health professionals and that's why she can't reply and I'm not saying she is interested but even if she was she not only can't let me know what her reaction to my interest in her is, but also if it was positive there's no ability to follow through with it. And that's being positive; she's very likely straight and most likely would have a polite response but not an attraction she'd follow through with, but I do not believe she's allowed to verbalise that to me. Interesting that she can't, by whatever rules there are, when if she could, I think it would benefit me more at this stage.

So we aren't in a relationship as partners and it's not reciprocated, we have a professional relationship and I happen to have gone over that boundary in terms of my feelings and I have that option, (she does not), and it was completely unintentional.


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Posted

Well,seeing as I had a female doctor that was gay, I know what crossing that line would be like. But I worshipped her from afar. Worth looking at every time I went in to see her, and I knew I would get good care from her. I was so upset when my health insurance changed doctors. So sad. I only seen her a couple of times. I wonder what happened to her. But there are plenty of women out there to find and flirt and then who knows.


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Posted

you need to go somewhere lesbian friendly, like the bar, if there is a ywca, does your city hasve a newspaper or close town?

Gary churches?


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Posted

Even when I had a partner and was younger and used to go to gay places (clubs, etc) I was looked at like I didn't belong. Can't say I ever feel welcome because I never feel like I look the part.

I don't drink/can't drink and there's only one pub where I'd go. Otherwise I really have no clue where else to go that's gay specific. But even if I could, I still wouldn't feel welcome. Even a long time ago when I watched my partner play indoor cricket I got given very strange looks, even though she was evidently gay.

Where I live, the complex, there's actually a number of male gay couples - frustrating to find no females.


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I do express everything I feel to her, Michelle. I sent you a PM to tell you exactly the situation. And how things can never be.

I discuss with her how to move on, 'cause I don't want to suffer this pain anymore. I love her so much that she's always in my head. It just breaks my heart and I cry too much and I want to stop crying I guess.

Don't get me wrong. I'd rather have loved her than not. There's too many fabulous reasons to love her than I could type. So I'm glad my heart is open and not closed off, 'cause it has great reason to be. I just don't want to cry over her anymore, or even with her anymore. Or even be a nuisance to her anymore, with my feelings of utter distress.

I am the sort to go for it. But I would never disrespect her, not knowingly anyway. I don't know the catch to moving on and it seems nor does she yet, so for now she puts up with me crying to her. Heck all my Dr.'s put up with me crying about the issue. I just wish I knew how to flip the switch, even if it were to a grieving process and moving on. But she has to remain in my life professionally, so I don't know how I start that moving on process when someone is still there.

It's so complicated, and I'm wishing there was a simple answer ... I'm figuring now there isn't.


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Posted

there is no answer to heartache. You have to live and go on with your life. So cry and get over it. Cry your freaking eyes out. Sob to a friend. Release the grief and move on.


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Most of us (I believe) have had the impossible dream, the 'one' we could never be with, for various reasons. And yes, you can feel as if your heart is burning from the inside out. But allow yourself the respect to realize how strong you are, that as much as it may hurt, second by second, minute by minute, day by day, that you 'will' survive, and that in no way does this translate into any form of desertion, failure or surrender. It is life, and you can live it, with all it's pains & follies. By it, you will find your heart has learned it has the possibility to love deeper than you knew, and survive more than you gave yourself credit for.


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Oh I realise that. I always find Lara Fabian's song I Will Love Again is a good one to sing too.

It's just the process of getting over her that stumps me.

I had a dear, dear friend who I really, really loved once and shared my feelings with her and was able to let them be known, here her response and move on while still being friends and training partners. Because she could respond adn we could be true with each other, because we were close and spent a lot of time together, the honest response from her and my respect for her made it quite easier to continue to be around her.

Sure my feelings were there, but nowhere near as close to the surface and not something I went after, and at times they made me sad; but I could still be in her company and be happy and be on my own and be fine as well. It was the give and take of the situation that allowed that.


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love is so difficult to obtain even to evaluate. What is love to one person, is not the same for the next. Can you truly love someone from afar? I guess, but it is idolizatation if you are not communicating. Love has to have communication. If you had the sex and no communication, then it is just sex. You need to have love given and received in order to reallly call it love. A relationship is another barrel of monkeys and it takes everything and its not always 50/50. It is sickness, and pain to deal with and work problems to deal with. it will never always be 50/50. Trust me on this.


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