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Something I wrote. Please comment and give some feedback?? - Writers Nook

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Now you may have heard this story before but I shall tell it you again. It is a classic story of broken hearts finding love under the most unusual circumstances, finding shared dreams and looking to the future. The two main people in our story are ordinary people, ordinary people who were drawn to each other with an unknown force and formed a bond so strong that none could break it. Alone they were weak, powerless and afraid yet together they were stronger than all the armies of the world. Day by day their love bloomed like a flower; their winter was over and their spring, with its new dawn and re-birth, had begun. Happiness was found once more and the traces of sadness vanished. They say that love conquers all. Well in this story that is definitely the case. Like any story though we have to start at the beginning. We begin with two people, Zaffira who was a vampire enchantress and Ergon who would soon find out what happens when you get involved with such a delicate, fragile but oh so deadly creature. Let’s take it back to 1608 when this story began...

Chapter One
The Mystic’s Message

As she got out of bed she glanced at the moon chart on her wall. The date was 10th November 1608, the day of the full moon, and she had a meeting with her mystic advisor. She was an ordinary girl, well ordinary for her time. It was a time when vampires and enchantresses ruled the world and she happened to be a mix of both. Born to Count Lucio, a vampire Lord, and Lady Amelia, the most famous enchantress in the city, she was greatly blessed with many talents. She had not only inherited her father’s straight, jet-black hair but also his pearly white fangs and ability to transform and fly. From her mother’s side she received her enchanting eyes, her pale white skin and her great wisdom. However with some wisdom came a high price; she was susceptible to nightmares and visions especially on nights of a full moon. It was for this precise reason she was going to visit Heldrid, her advisor and dear friend of many years. Lately her dreams were more violent than usual; they were full of death, destruction and vivid visions of wars raging with fire. The visions were much cause for concern and she believed that should there be an ounce of truth in them the High Council was going to want to know everything.
She sighed and wearily walked over to the mirror; glancing at her reflection she saw the terrible remains of the marks from her last nightmare and shuddered. Vivid pink scratches still lingered on her arms and a pattern of dried blood still stained her fingertips. This was an everyday occurrence however it still made her skin crawl to see the damage she had caused herself during her disturbed nights of terror. Walking slowly over to the wardrobe she realised her legs were shaking with every step; a trail of blood from a recent wound trickled down her leg and with soft drips made a small pool on the floor. Quickly she ripped a strip of material off her nightdress and bandaged her leg tightly to cease the loss of blood. The blood loss meant nothing to her; it didn’t affect her in any way but she hated the thought of having to clean up more blood than she already needed to. Looking down her nightdress was incredibly short after all the mornings of tearing pieces off to care for her wounds; she peeled it off and discarded it near the door, her maid would take care of it.
The shaft of daylight through the curtains highlighted her slender frame, her smooth breasts and her long elegant legs as she opened her wardrobe and got out an exquisite silk gown that only the finest kind of money could buy. However even such an extravagant gown could not outshine her natural beauty and her ice blue eyes that told a thousand tales and enchanted all those who even glanced at them. This was a talent she had acquired from her mother who had acquired them from her mother and so on and so forth back to the great Lady Florisa, the first blue blood enchantress. It was this royal blood line that flowed in her veins that made her a creature of mystery to all those who heard her name. Underneath the royal name however she was a simple minded girl whose only dream in life was to find happiness and the kind of love her parents had. She sighed wearily and laid back on her bed, naked and beautiful but with a look of pain etched deep into her eyes. “When will I ever leave here?” she wondered. She was growing tired of spending her days merely wandering the castle grounds and talking to Lilith. Lilith, an exquisite pure-bred dragon, had been in the family for as long as legend could remember. Nobody had ever told Zaffira exactly how Lilith came into the family and there were so many legends and stories revolving around it that she never knew what to believe. But every story was full of mystery, intrigue and most importantly, adventure. Adventure was something she longed for but she knew her father Lucio would never let her stray beyond the castle walls.
Many years ago Zaffira had a sister, Milena... a single tear rolled down her cheek as she remembered how her sister used to smile and how her blonde hair glistened gold in the sun. They would laugh and play together in the woods looking for flowers to press and put in their hair, go for a bareback horse ride down to the beach or sometimes visit the village on market days where travellers from far and wide came to try and earn a scrap of money. Milena had gone down to that village one day after a fight with their father and she had never returned. Lucio blamed himself for this but even more so he blamed the elves and witches who lived in the village. He accused them of stealing his daughter, something Marcius the Elven King and Kristiana the Priestess of the Witches Council strongly denied. In their eyes they had no reason to steal the daughter of a petty Count but in Lucio’s eyes they had every reason. Even though the bond between Lucio and Milena was an incredibly weak one she was still his eldest born child and would have been the heir to his kingdom. But now she was gone...
A knock at the door suddenly startled her and woke her from her painful reminiscence upon her youth. Grabbing the gown she had previously chosen, she dressed with impeccable speed before composing herself and calmly walking over to the door. Whoever was there was certainly impatient for the banging continued to grow louder and shook the door with every knock. She counted this as an invasion of her privacy and showed a lack of respect but as a Count’s daughter she had to contain her emotions and exercise a level of self-control. It was often hard to keep up appearances and be who everyone else expected her to be but this was the way things were and she had to deal with it as gracefully as her nature would allow her to be. So with an elegant twist of her hand she opened the heavy wooden door to reveal a rather agitated Dante; the mere sight of him blackened her eyes and her disdain was clearly noticeable behind her painted smile and civil curtsy.
“Ah Dante, what a pleasant and most joyful surprise it is to see you here. And to what occasion do I owe the pleasure?” she asked. Her tone was a little sharper and more cynical than she had intended, but she had every right to be cynical wherever Dante was concerned. In her mind he had no business in her life anymore and she would be quite glad to see the back of him. This viewpoint was clearly not shared by Dante who proceeded to bow before her and give his best impression of a heart warming smile.
“Zaffira it has been too long” Dante replied bending down to kiss her hand which would have been flattering...if it had been someone else. “I have come to bear grave news I’m afraid. Your father requires your presence this evening for a meeting with the High Council. It is incredibly urgent.”
Zaffira sighed to herself and wondered whenever her father wouldn’t have an important meeting for her. More often than not it was nothing more than a little squabble over some land and she had to give a diplomatic input. Her father had discovered her talent as a great diplomat when she was very young and therefore sought her council very often to discuss such matters. Still, it wasn’t the most exciting way to spend time but she never missed a meeting.
“Tell my father I shall attend. Now if you will excuse me Dante I have a very important meeting myself that I must attend in a matter of minutes.” She looked him directly in the eyes as she spoke; this was a sure mistake on her count for he could read her whole mind whenever she did so.
“Of course my lady.” He bowed then walked over to her and whispered “No need to be so cynical my dear, I’m only here on business. Nothing more. Your eyes betray you.” And with a flourish Dante Contoni walked straight back out of her life in the same way he had entered it all those years ago. Cocky, arrogant and she still hated him. Nothing had changed.
At least, not yet it hadn’t.


The writing is ok and it reads ok, but there are some things that don't sound right to me.

A Vampire heals itself immediately and so she would not be bleeding?

I vampire dies if it goes out in daylight??

A vampire is awake and hunting at night so how could she have Nightmares??

I don't know if you have dome much research on vampire lore


Yes there are many different kinds of vampires and if you read closely she is only a half cast vampire so therefore is immune to many things and is not entirely like the breed of vampires that you are describing.
You are describing the typical Dracula style of vampire however there are other versions of vampire lore out there. I have taken certain parts from each to create a more modern up to date vampire with all the magical elements of an enchantress or sorceress if you are more familiar with those.
Hope this helps you to understand a little better.


I like your phrase modern up-to-date vampire
I guess part of the reason a vampire is scary is that it embodies an anachronism. But that's just me.


Why create a new form of something that has existed in Folk Lore for 100's of years. How can we know what things are if they are continually re-written? It is just like Hollywood re-writing history. Does this show a new vision, or is it a way of dealing with the fact you cannot write about the real thing for some reason??

I have read many many books about all sorts of things, including Vampires and Enchantress's and Scorcerors. I am doing English and want to do it at COllege and University, and I have written loads of poems and some short stories. I always try to write about things that can be, rather than create something totally fanciful that the reader can have no connection with as it has not existed before it was written about.


Hey Tania - not being a fan of vampire stories so this is a personal point of view, adding differences in types of vampires is fine - as long as it flows, makes sense to the reader and has belief (for those that believe in vampires). It worked for movies 'Blade' and 'Twilight' - who ever thought a vampire would shine like diamonds in daylight or be able to hunt during the day! This is being creative. Good work girl!!


I haven't really read your story, to be honest, since I'm -- as mentioned before -- NOT a fiction writer. It's not really in me...lol; I'm lucky to be "creative" enough to write str8 (no pun intended) news stories. About as "loose" as I get is a Personal Essay or a profile piece (never longer than 1,500 words, depending on the requirements of the magazine that I'm writing for.)

So, what I do is READ the magazines that I want to write for (e.g., PARADE, a Sunday supplement with a lot of human interest stories or READER'S DIGEST -- good luck, Howard.) Also I check their websites or the masthead (where all the Editors are listed) to see what their requirements are. If I write a story that doesn't fit that 'zine or is longer than they like, it might wind up in the Editor's "circular file" (trash can/bin.) So I'm more restricted than you.

I then usually write a Query letter, where I try to entice the editor with the kind of article I'm going to write and may even give them a rough idea (opening paragraph or other sense.) They might say, "Go ahead" or "this doesn't fit our 'current' needs...lol.)

Also, I have to be conscious of the time of year. For example, probably some time during the summer will be the deadline for Christmas or winter editions of 'zines, so I have to keep that in mind.

I realize none of these apply to script writing OF WHICH I HAVE LITTLE TO NO knowledge.

I did google this, and although it might not apply to you...there are others here where it MIGHT apply -- but this is only from ONE look at what Google offered. There are probably other sites for other purposes or more sophisticated clientele (as this site is for students): http://www.thewritesource.com/studentmodels/

There might even be one for scriptwriters.

One thing -- and again, I cannot talk to scripts -- but your copy all runs together. That is intimidating to any editor. I usually double-space my material, and especially BETWEEN paragraphs. Your story looks like one long run-on sentence.

Again, go online, there have to be places where scripts are shown, displayed.

I had a friend -- more dreamer than realist -- who was going to be a scriptwriter, and even moved to LA to do it to be next to Hollywood. Well, he hasn't even written anything for nearly 10 yrs (for some ppl, just the thought of "being a writer" or "what I will write" will keep them dreamin' the dream...but u have to put PEN TO PAPER -- or fingers to keyboard, which you've done.) However, my point is, I was able to go into a bookstore and found a decent script guide (very similar to an AP Style Guide for journalists, which tells us how to properly use certain abbreviations, etc. If I don't use it, they're going to know that I'm truly a rookie.) However, I also found a couple CHEAP script writing manuals in a USED book store.

Again, from my non-fiction viewpoint, I would suggest that you look at places that you want to market your scripts (for me it's easy, as the WRITER'S GUIDE lists all relevant magazines, types of topics, rates they pay per word, suggested length of article and who to contact.) The latter is important as if I write to an Editor who has moved on, again, they indicates to them that I don't keep up with their pub (which in their mind is the most important publication in the world...lol.) However, again, in my biz, I can just check the masthead of any current edition of the magazine that I want to write for and that info will be there.

Sry, I can't comment any more as I'm beginning to show my lack of knowledge of the scriptwriting world (of which I have little-to-none.)

Good luck...keep WRITING...keep READING...do your RESEARCH...JOIN a local writer's group (they'll have some groups even broken down by poets, scriptwriters, book authors, but not too many 'zine writers like me.)

When you get really good...after some time...then it might be worth your while to attend some writer's workshops, but u can do that on the cheap by just attending a weekend or weekend night writer's seminar.

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