Jump to content
Jamz_Jamie

Addicted (Unfinished Story) (part 1) - Writers Nook

Recommended Posts

Posted

Addicted
Todd’s dad walked up the stairs, opened Todd’s door, got him up for school and said, “ Todd you twat get up,” he laughed in his Londoner voice, “get up, you will be late for school and your mum will moan again. I really can’t stand her moaning.” He walked over and dragged him, by the arm, out of bed.
Todd still being half asleep groaned, “I’m up, I’m up.” he went in the bathroom, locked the door and brushed his teeth. He put the toothbrush down and started the shower. After washing his hair he got out of the shower and rapped a towel round his waist, went to and opened the door.
“You walk like a poof,” His big brother declared as he walked past Todd.
Todd kept walking, laughed and replied,”shut up Rob.” He walked into his room shutting the door.
Todd’s mum, dad and brother were in the kitchen eating their toast.
Todd rushed down the stairs as his mum called, “Todd, come and have some breakfast!”
“Cant I’m late, you should have woke me up earlier,” Todd replied in a gasp.
“Well, that’s your own fault, not getting up when I said. I had to bloody force you out of the bed” He commented crossly as the front door shut.
Todd rushed out the door, ran up the street towards school. As he was running he looked down into his pocket.
“God, I hope I bought my timetable,” he mumbled, he whacked into someone and got knocked down.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t look where I was going,” Todd said apologetically.
The other guy said, “It’s okay…. here I’ll give you a hand up.” The stranger was strong built wearing the school uniform. He was muscular with short dark hair and beautiful blue eyes, he looked gorgeous.

He put his arm out and helped Todd up and picked up his bag and books.
“Hey try not to be a klutz and watch were your going,” he laughed as Todd helped him pick up the books. As they both got up they found themselves almost touching noses, they were very close to each other, he laughed and Todd blushed.
“I’m Josh,” said the stranger, in a quiet but toned voice, once they were both standing.
“Oh, err, hi uh, I’m Todd,” he said with an embarrassed smile. Todd started searching for his timetable when Josh gave him a piece of paper, “looking for this?” Josh asked
“Oh yes, thanks. I got to go, I’m really late for school,” Todd replied.
“Okay, well, I’ll see you around then, Todd,” Josh said almost sadly. Todd walked forward passed Josh as Josh stared at him. Todd looked back and smiled. He opened his timetable, but it wasn’t his timetable at all, it was a little note saying:
‘Your timetable is still in your pocket with a smile and a kiss  xxx’
It also had Josh’s mobile number on it.
The bell went in his school.
“Why are you late, Todd!?!” Mr. Foster roared.
“Sorry I woke up late” Todd replied in a rushed and trembling voice
“Okay, well, don’t let it happen again!” Mr. Foster replied
Once Todd had sat down Mr. Foster asked the class to get out their English text books, “okay, turn to page 6 and write out the information you see before you in your own words.”

Eventually, once every second of the hour lesson had clicked slowly by, the lesson finally ended.
Todd was walking out of the classroom and waited by the wall. Once Sophie, his best friend, came out of her class Todd called over to her, “hey Sophie!”
“Hi Todd,” She replied, as she walked over to where he was standing. One of the most popular boys in the school walks passed them and Todd stares nervously at him.
“Oh you like Justin, he’s way out of your league though, he’s straight, he might be going out with that Bridget girl in my class,” Sophie said, as Todd kept staring.
Todd slowly followed Justin while plugged into his music. Todd walked off from Sophie and Sophie followed Todd.
“Todd what are you doing? He’s one of the popular people, you can’t follow him! Let alone talk to him,” Sophie said worriedly.
“Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing,” Todd replied.

as Justin was walking to his class, his two friends passed him and said, “hey Justin, what’s up,” then they saw Todd
“Oh great, these guys,” Todd said under his breath.
One of the friends said, “oh, look, what we have here?”
“It’s tiny Todd,” teased the other. As the friends were picking on Todd Justin looked back and smirked.
“Shut up you two, you don’t have any right to pick on him, he’s done nothing wrong to you” Sophie said to the friends. She grabbed Todd’s arm, “let’s go Todd,” and they walked off.

Todd was walking to his next lesson as the bell went when Josh ran up to him and said, “hey Todd you okay?”
“Yep, I’m good,” Todd replied, “just going to Maths,” he groaned.

“Ok, well, have a good lesson, try not to drop your books again,” Josh said laughing, “unless you want me to help you pick them up again.” Josh disappeared off, down the hall.

Todd was walking to his lesson when he saw Justin smoking.
“Hey kid” Justin called
“Me?” Todd asked curiously
“Yes, is there anyone else around here?” Justin replied
“Yes” Todd said and as Justin smoked the last puff of his cigarette he shrugged and put it out on the floor by stamping on it with his shoe.
“You’re coming to town with me!” Justin said suddenly.
“Oh, okay,” Todd replied nervously.

They went off the school grounds and they walked around the small town for a bit. After a while Justin asked, “want to go to the park?”
“Err, Sure,” replied Todd and Justin laughed
“I’ll race you!” said Justin with snigger
“Erm, okay. Ready, set… go” Todd shouted. They starting running though the street, when suddenly Justin tripped; Todd ran worriedly back to him, “are you okay?!” Todd asked anxiously and then Justin said yes, I’m fine I just hurt my leg a bit” then Todd smiled and put his hand out and said “I’ll help you up” then Todd pulled him up and then Justin pushed him a bit and ran then Todd said “hey” and then ran after him and then they ran to the park and Justin stopped and took some breaths while putting his arms on his knees Then Todd stopped and said “your fast”

Justin said “yep” then Justin went up to him and hugged him a bit putting his arms to his waist and then tried to trip him up by putting his leg under his foot and then cached him with his arms and then Justin said “come on tough guy try and trip me up if you dare” then Todd tripped him up and Justin flew backwards holding Todd and then Todd fell on Justin and their lips met then Justin blushed and then he put his arms around Todd and their lips we again slowly making out on the ground” then Justin said “I got to go” and Todd got off him then Justin suddenly kisses him goodbye then he rushed off then Todd Rang Sophie and said “Get over to the park” then Sophie said “ I saw you and Justin go out of school so I covered both of you, you so oh me” then Todd said ya, get over the park I got something to tell you it’s good news”

Justin was walking home and opened the door to his house and his mum said “were have you been you was suppose to be in school “
Justin dad said “boy was you hanging around with your girlfriend”
Justin bushed because he was thinking of Todd
Justin dad said “ah there we go”, and then Justin mum said “well don’t go out of school again”
Then he walked up into his room

Todd was at the park walking around it waiting for Sophie to come he looked at his watch at it said 3:00 then Todd heard someone yell “Hey” and it was Sophie walking up to him and Sophie said “so what’s the good news” Todd said “ I made out with Justin” Sophie said “what” with her mouth wide open in shock” then Sophie said “oh my god, what happened tell me everything” then Sophie’s phone rang and she got her mobile out of her pocket and picked it up and said “hello, hi mum but I’m with Todd, okay I will, bye” Todd said “everything okay” then Sophie said “I got to go, but I need to talk to you about something maybe only you can help me with, k bye tomorrow” Todd waved as Sophie was walking off and said “bye Sophie”

Sophie went through the door and said “I’m home” and it was quiet and then she moved quietly towards the living room and she opened the door and Sophie dad was hitting and kicking his mum and then Sophie dad said “ sweetie it isn’t what it looks like” Sophie ran upstairs and then Sophie dad said “ that’s your fault” then Sophie mum while on the floor with her nose bleeding spat out some blood and said “good now she can know what a monster you are” as Sophie was up stairs she played her music up on full and still heard the screaming the her mum being beaten then she collapsed on her bed and fell asleep

It was the morning and Sophie got up for school and she went downstairs and saw her mum just sitting by the side of the kitchen drinking some coffee and she opened the door slowly and said “ mum, are you okay” Sophie mum put her cup down and said come here Sophie, Sophie was stepping slowly towards her Sophie mum said “ sweetie I’m going to be fine it’s okay he’s done this to me for as long as I can remember its fine just promise me you won’t fight when he hits me again, okay” Sophie said “ okay” , with doubt in her voice she hugged Sophie and said it’s okay then Sophie last tear dropped off her face and she then wiped her tear and said “mum I got to go to school”

Ring, Ring the bell went for school

Sophie was walking into class and Todd cached up to Sophie and said “hey Sophie, you okay?” Sophie said “yes I’m fine” Sophie started walking faster then went into class Todd had a worrying look on his face.
Todd walked into class and Sophie just sat down and got on with the work that was set on the board and Todd sat behind Sophie and said “Sophie, what’s wrong”
Sophie said “Nothing... I’m fine I was thinking about something I heard a song last night and tried to remember the lyrics to it that’s why I didn’t answer, sorry”
Todd said “that’s okay you had me worried there for a second, anyway what was it you wanted to talk about”
Sophie said “I’ll tell you after class, were it’s a bit more private, I think you will know what to do” and then smiled after that and got on with her work.


A few hours later the bell rang, Todd and Sophie were walking out of class and Todd said “ so, what is it” Sophie pulled Todd to the corner of the corer door and said “ I think I’m....” Todd replied “your... what” then he paused and said “oh my god, are you pregnant” Sophie said “what... what no, god no I think... I think I might be lesbian”
Todd then replied with a concerned look on his face “are you sure you’re lesbian... what makes you think you’re lesbian”
Sophie looked around quickly to make sure no one was around and said” I like this girl in my class her names Mel, we hanged out a bit like sometimes in class we sit together and chat she seems really nice and cool and she’s pretty”
Todd replied with a smirk on his face “Then its simple Sophie, just take her out, like to a park or to town shopping, or just wondering around town”
Sophie smiled and said “okay, thanks Todd, I got to go find Mel bye talk later”
As Sophie was walking off Justin was walking past him not paying attention to him


Todd was walking up to Justin and poked him on the shoulder. “Hey Justin, you okay?”
“Todd, Leave me alone,” Justin said angrily. He went into the toilet; no one else was in there. He was looking in the mirror as Todd followed him and asked, “what’s wrong, did I do something wrong.”
Justin turned around and stared at him with a concerned look; he pushed Todd to the bathroom door and kissed him. He started kissing Todd’s lips getting a bit faster, making out with him, moving his hands around Todd’s body, as they make out they move to the bathroom door still making out and Justin closed the door with his foot, still caressing Todd.

The door opened from the boys toilets, Justin walked out the door with a smirk on his face then a few minutes later Todd came out of the toilet smiling then walked to try and find Sophie.
Todd found Sophie and she was with mel hanging around outside the reception near the assembly hall. Todd yelled “ hey sophie”,Sophie said to Mel “ i’ll talk to you later, meet me there about six”, Sophie walked over to Todd and said “Hey, you okay” Todd replied with a smirk “yes, i am more than okay” Sophie looked confused at her and then said “Oh, Justin” and laughed slightlly. Todd said “i’ll tell you later you coming round mine later Sophie said “ No, sorry going out with mel” Todd said “Oh” in a suggestive tone, Sophie said “No. Not like that, not yet anyway were just gonna hang out in town” Todd said “okay. Have fun” Sophie said “ oh, dont worry i will” and then Mel came up to her and said “Soph, walk me home i wanna chat to you” Sophie smiled and said “sure” and then started walking and sophie turned and said “cya later Todd” Todd waved then saw todd walking in the corner of his eye, Todd got his phone out and txted Justin saying “im behind you meet me outside the courtyard” Justin started walking to the courtyard so did Todd no one was around so Justin slowed down and Todd speeded up then they were togther and they skimmed there hands togther and they said “ hi” to each other Todd started smirking Justin then said “hey, wanna come to my house no one’s home” Todd said “sure” then they startd walking home then they opened the door and Justin mum was in the kitchen her mum moved looking at them justin not relaising and justin mum said “ What the hell do you think your doing with this fairy” and justin said “ mum, i thought you was at work” his mum said “i could go home early coz sherly took my shift, i told you not to hang around with him” Justin said “just because hes gay doesent mean hes not a nice person” his mum then said “don’t you back chat me there horride hell fancey you and your not that way inclined” Todd said “i’ll go sorry to bother you misses Smith” his mum said “ya you go you stupid faggot, dont you come near my son again” Justin then said “ mum thats harsh” Todd walked out the doot and then turned around to see Justin’s mum going up to him and slapping him while the door was shutting and said “don’t you dare talk to me like that again” then the door shut with a big bang.
It was the next day and Todd was walking to School and Didn’t see Justin were he usually is hanging out with his mates after school.

Todd went into school and sat down and half way through the lesson while everyone was writing out the writing from the textbooks, Justin texted “meet me outside the park now xxxx


Posted

U gotta get the English right and also your spelling if ou wanna write


Kristoffer_J_Martin
Posted

Oi...it's You, have to, you (again) want to....

So now I'm going to be the brutal editor that I am and help you get this so its good.

This~: "Todd’s dad walked up the stairs, opened Todd’s door, got him up for school and said, “ Todd you twat get up,” he laughed in his Londoner voice, “get up, you will be late for school and your mum will moan again. I really can’t stand her moaning.” He walked over and dragged him, by the arm, out of bed.
Todd still being half asleep groaned, “I’m up, I’m up.” he went in the bathroom, locked the door and brushed his teeth. He put the toothbrush down and started the shower. After washing his hair he got out of the shower and rapped a towel round his waist, went to and opened the door. "

~is filler and junk, you don't need it. Its overly verbose and has improper grammar, syntax, and spelling errors. I'd start the story with his brother telling him "you walk like a poof".

Now, the things you need to fix are as follows; change the prose to past tense. this isn't a script.

Watch out for character confusion as from the following example: "Todd rushed down the stairs as his mum called, “Todd, come and have some breakfast!”
“Cant I’m late, you should have woke me up earlier,” Todd replied in a gasp.
“Well, that’s your own fault, not getting up when I said. I had to bloody force you out of the bed” He commented crossly as the front door shut."

Here Todd is talking to his mother, and then you jump to his father without telling the reader who is talking. The implied person in the conversation is his mum who called to him as he is running out the door. Unless you explicitly tell the audience that you've switched characters by using 'he said', 'said his father' etc we don't know who is who.

Use more explicit, concise and precise language. The story reads as though its for one of those kids books "See Jane Run". You consistently start with 'Todd..." and then an action. Why not use more complex language. I'll give an example.

Your version: Todd kept walking, laughed and replied,”shut up Rob.” He walked into his room shutting the door.
Todd’s mum, dad and brother were in the kitchen eating their toast.
Todd rushed down the stairs as his mum called, “Todd, come and have some breakfast!”

My version: "Shut it" said Todd, as he continued walking. A light chuckle crossed his lips as he slammed his bedroom door behind him.His parents and brother sat eating their breakfast in the kitchen as Todd rushed down the stairs in his bid to escape the morning milieu.

"Todd, come get something to eat" yelled his mother....

Rewrite this, edit, and repost it, and I'll give you a full commentary on the story.



×