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hey all this is a piece of a movie script i wrote plez comment - Writers Nook

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Posted

Scene 8: The road less traveled
(The rebels are at the coast of England right now standing in a circle.)
Jada: Ok someone explain why we can’t take the jet.
Micah: Just in case the demons followed us. They would have followed us right to it and probably kill all of us.
Sasha: So what are we doing here?
(Alec runs up.)
Alec: I may have found our way out of here.
Micah: Show us.
(Alec walks away and the group follow him to a large yacht.)
Alec: What do you think?
Micah: A bit flashy aint it?
Alec: I figure if we are going to be heroes we might as well ride in style.
Micah: Right. So anyone know how to drive a boat?
Brittany: My dad took me fishing when I was young and let me drive our fishing boat sometimes.
Micah: We have a winner. Get into the cockpit or whatever it’s called. Everyone else, load up.
(They start loading the yacht. Morpheus talks to Alec.)
Morpheus: Who put this guy in charge?
Alec: I don’t know but I’ll talk to him.
Morpheus: Alright.
(Alec walks over to Micah)
Alec: Hey Micah. You think you could ease up on the bossiness?
Micah: What do you mean?
Alec: Everyone is feeling like your trying to take over this group. We are all equally important in this.
Micah: Oh. Sure yeah no problem.
Alec: Thanks man.
(The boat gets loaded and they depart. Micah, Alec, Morpheus, Duncan, and Sasha are standing on the bow of the boat in a circle around a map on a table.)
Alec: So we are going from France strait over to Russia.
Duncan: How are we going to get there? We can’t exactly take this boat there.
Morpheus: We take train.
Micah: Do you know how to operate a train?
Morpheus: Back in mother Russia I was train operator. I come to America for a new life. I ended up in this rebellion with good people.
Micah: And you will be well rewarded for your valor.
Morpheus: No, I will work. I need no money. But please send my sister to college.
Micah: Done.
Sasha: Morpheus. We could pay for mama and papa’s treatments if we had that money.
Morpheus: I think there is something I should tell you Sasha. Mama and papa are dead. They died shortly after we left. Cancer spread too far.
Sasha: Why would you keep that from me brother?
Morpheus: To keep you happy.
Sasha: (Sarcastically) Thanks.
(Sasha walks away. Morpheus attempts to follow her. Alec stops him.)
Alec: No Morpheus. Stay here. I’ll go talk to her.
(Morpheus nods. Alec follows Sasha to the stern of the boat.)
Alec: Sasha! Wait up.
(Sasha sits on a bench built into the stern. Alec sits next to her.)
Alec: I know how you feel.
Sasha: (Crying) how could he keep that from me?
Alec: Perhaps it was so you wouldn’t do this. He loves you and hates to see you sad.
Sasha: How do you know?
Alec: He told me so.
Sasha: He told you but he didn’t tell me?
Alec: I told him he should have told you.
(Sasha places her head on Alec’s shoulder and looks into Alec’s eyes.)
Sasha: Yea?
Alec: Cause I care about you to.
Sasha: I care about you to.
Alec: Yea?
Sasha: Very much so, da.
(She leans closer.)
Alec: I never noticed how beautiful your eyes are before.
(Sasha leans in and her lips meet ale’s lips. They share a passionate kiss)
Sasha: Thank you Alec. You know how to cheer a girl up.
Alec: You ready to go back up there?
Sasha: No, I was thinking we could just stay back here for a little bit.
Alec: Are you sure?
Sasha: (Flirting) Da.
(Sasha and Alec begin to kiss. Fade to black. Now in France the group begins unloading the boat and then starts to walk toward Versailles palace. Morpheus walks up to Alec.)
Morpheus: Alec!
Alec: Yea Morpheus? What’s up?
Morpheus: I know what happen back there. You be good to her.
Alec: How do you know?
Morpheus: I watched from the top of that overhang.
Alec: Oh.
Morpheus: Just remember, I’m watching.
Alec: You have nothing to worry about.
Morpheus: accept these demon spawn.
Alec: Of course. There is always that.
(Micah calls from the front.)
Micah: Guys we are almost there. Just another mile or two. How you guys holdin up?
Morpheus: We good.
Alec: (To Morpheus) I’m gonna go check on Jada.
(Alec walks back to where Jada is.)
Alec: How you holdin up sis?
Jada: I’m fine. Just tired.
Alec: You want to stop and rest?
Jada: No we’re almost there.
Alec: Are you sure?
Jada: Alec I’m not a little kid anymore.
Alec: I know. I just worry sometimes.
Jada: Your not dad. You don’t have to worry.
Alec: But if I don’t then who will?
Jada: Dad.
Alec: He isn’t here.
Jada: Yes he is. Spiritually. I feel him.
Alec: really?
Jada: He was the one who helped me get through that back in England.
Alec: Uh huh.
Jada: It’s true.
Alec: at least drink some water.
Jada: Fine.
(Sasha calls to Alec.)
Sasha: Alec.
Alec: Yea Sasha what’s up?
Sasha: What if I can’t kill the demon I’m meant to?
Alec: You will. If I lost you id die.
Sasha: (Flirting) We can’t have that, can we?
Alec: (Flirting back) Not at all.
Micah: Hey everyone. We’re here. The palace of Versailles. Or what’s left of it.
*************************************************************************************
Plez plez plez comment


Posted

Interesting. I've only seen a couple of scripts, usually people ask me to comment or advise them on verse or short stories, but this is good. Nice natural flow in the dialogue, which is important. I'm not sure where this scene fits in the whole script, but it is good. As long as you keep the storyline moving, keep the characters interesting, and have a great ending, you should be good. I always try to tell people to make the ending unique in some way so people will remember it (Kind of like in "Birdy," with Mathew Modine & Nicholas Cage). Keep me posted. Thanks for sharing. Always, Bill


Posted

Thanks


Posted

I can't really help u as my genre is NON-fiction magazine articles. Which, means, that when I do interviews, e.g., I have to tape them so I can the words correctly, even if they're spoken incorrectly. If I use my own wording then I can't use quote marks. However, let me point out some petty stuff.

Micah: A bit flashy ain[']t it?

"...and the group follow[S] him... ."

"My dad took me fishing when I was young and let me drive our fishing boat sometimes." [hearing the word fishing twice in the same sentence unneeded]

"So we are going from France strait over to Russia." ['strait' is the water between two places; I think u meant 'STRAIGHT.']

Morpheus: We take train. [We WILL take THE train.]

Morpheus: Back in mother Russia I was [A] train operator. I [CAME] come to America for a new life.

"[THE] Cancer spread too far."

Morpheus: I know what happen[ED] back there.

Sasha: I care about you to[O]. [TO is a direction; TOO means "also."]

Morpheus: accept these demon spawn. ["Accept" means to welcome them; EXCEPT is what I think u meant.]

Morpheus: We [ARE] good.

Alec: How you holdin[G] up sis? [If u'r trying to show that when he spoke he was cutting his "ing" sounds off, perhaps utilize an apostrophe in the two places where u spell the word with the "g": holdin']

Alec: You will. If I lost you i[']d die.

[P]alace of Versailles.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not so dense that I didn't realize u were trying to use a Russian accent in your dialogue, so some of the corrections above, u might leave in. However, I made them 'cause in other instances, he spoke in correct English.

I might suggest two things: Read each character's dialogue by itself to see if it's consistent. Perhaps even have some friends over -- call it a "script party" (u supply the cheap munchies, everyone gets a character..and then u read the play.) When I write copy, I always read it OUT LOUD to myself: it's amazing what u catch.

A few places the dialogue sounded a bit stiff; however, I don't know the characters that well [e.g., "We are all equally important in this." Read it out loud. Would someone really say it that way or, perhaps, "Hey, we're all equals..." etc.]

Also, stage direction might be written differently, but I don't know the protocol.

Additionally, u started some dialogue with a Capital letters, others w/o [consistency!]

Then u didn't use commas where appropriate, but then, I'm not sure how's that's done in screenwriting. E/g., "Micah: Oh. Sure yeah no problem." [That screams out for COMMAS as in "Oh, sure, yeah, no problem" or "Oh..sure, yeah...no problem."]

Again, I'm not a screen or drama writer, so I'm not much help here. Neither can I vouch for the character development or story line since I haven't read the entire script.

I would join a writers' group, or if you're really lucky, your city -- or some online community -- might even have a screenwriter's group.

Good luck!


Posted

Yer right most corrections you've pointed out I'm prob not gonna change but the capitalization problem is cuz I dnt have the proper screen writing program on my computer and this is the un-edited version


Posted

Angie, in the grand scheme of things, you're heading in the right direction. Creativity isn't always written as perfectly as we'd like, so work on the story and characters first. You can edit later. Enjoy the experience, do the best you can, and just let the ideas flow freely.


Posted

Thanks William I most certainly will


Posted

...and he's write. u don't want to get your panties in a twist...until it's a finished product.

Like I tried to point out, I came from a different genre: straight-forward news, nothing but. I couldn't even say "the crowd roared with glee" -- that's opinion. Better "the crowd roared loudly."

So as I write, I have to self-edit (and still need to improve that) as often it has to get out fairly quick. I remember once crafting a story...perhaps getting too caught up in the lead sentence (the 4 W's & H: "Who, what, where, why & how.") It's the key "opening scene" to any article.

And as I mentioned, when I quote "dialogue," it's got to be the real McCoy (which is why I tape it...and play it over...n...over...n'...over again, to get it right.)

And often you're fighting a tight deadline -- same day, next week, if ur lucky, it's a 'zine article and I might have a month or so.

So, I'd let "stream-of-consciousness" take hold of your "spirit" and let it roll.

However, eventually for most -- but not all writers -- grammar n' spelling are important. Of course, you can even find professionals who will edit your stuff.

But when you're cranking out 500-1,500 word articles...taking a few photos...accuracy is important, and the editors red pencil you (my first story went through at least 6-8 revisions with red Editor's ink all over the drafts.)

So, I can only talk from my side of the fence: kind of like a surfer tryiing to tell a skateboarder (or snowboarder) "how to do it."

We ride similar vehicles (pens, pencils or keyboard), but run different courses.

Good luck on yours.


Posted

Thanks Howard I appreciate it!


Guy_Hippisley
Posted

Hey Angie - Having loved writing all my life and written many stories, I decided to take it up professionally 2years ago. I was always been hesitate as I suffer from dyslexia, left school at 14 and didn't think I was smart enough - the stories are in my head, though suffer with spelling and grammar. One thing I am thankful for was investing in 'FINAL DRAFT' script writing. It has helped me with this issues.
I wrote a script and sent it off to be accessed and the comments were they are impressed with the Premise, Characters, dialogue, writing and Originality. The title 'Get a Life' they said was very strong and fitting. The beginning and ending are very powerful and once the middle is 'worked on', this will be a great feel good movie for the audience. The constructive feedback was the structure of the script I needed to work on and some of the story line scenes. The other was not up to spelling for professional standard - which is what I expected as you can get your script assessed for spelling.
What I am saying is - invest in assessments on your scripts, especially for new writers like us. William and Howard have made very valuable points which I will also take on board.
Braking into this industry is hard, but with a exceptional script, you will be taken seriously.
By the way - I do like what you have written - and to William's suggestion, the story and characters first. I found it easier to do each scene after knowing this and writing down each scene heading, before moving onto dialogue. Don't know if this will help but it worked for me.
Cheers Guy



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