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Jim_Staley

need help on coming out - Gay Guys! <3

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Jim_Staley
Posted

I am a 39 year old gay man that has been living two lives. I just fond out that I have cancer. I have been wanting to tell my friends and family that I am gay for a very long time. Now that I have cancer and not knowing what the out come is going to be I have got to a point that I fear I will die with no one knowing the real me. Here is where I am coming to all of you for help. My family thinks that gays are what is wrong with the world today and that they should not have any rights. What do I do? I can't go on living my life like this I just want to go to sleep and never wake up

Hi all I would like to thank you for your help. I came out to my best friend last night and it did not go very well at all and now I think I have lost my best friend. I will let you know how it goes with my family but after last night I don't think it is going to be any better


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Look i have some advise for ,,You have to do what makes you happy in life if your family or friends can not except you and love you for who you are in side , then fuck them ! I no its hard to walk away from the ones you love dearly but dude you will never find pease with in your self to have to hide who you are in side . Your family will have to either except you for who you are or loose you as a family member ...Thats what it boils down to .,,And i'm so sorry to about your illness .....But keep your head up no need be be a shamed of who you are you 've done nothing wrong ......Just be your self and enjoy the beautiful life god gave you .....Well I hope my little input helped a little ....Take care and good luck


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Jordan_Woods
Posted

im so sorry about you haveing cancer i really am it must be hard waking up and liveing eatch day and then on top worrying about how to tell family and friends the real you try to not worry as im shure worring will not help your cancer to be honist im not out yet but i dont think there is an easy way to tell family and friends the only way is to sit them down and tell then or just come out with it but on a good day i think if your family really love you know matter what i think thay will accped you for being gay wether thay like gays or not im not saying it will be easy for them to take it in at first but thay will get use to it and your friends thay should get you to it to if not then thay are not friends are thay friends take you for you not for what you are i hope i have helped you a little and i hope everything goes well with your cancer and for you when you tell them but dont worry let us know what the out come is after you have told them and if you ever want to talk im here for you


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I will love you as you are. If your family and your friends can't Sirport you walk away. Come to me in Canada.


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All what said was well noted by the previous members here. Keep a positive outlook that your health problem will not be so bad and it will be caught in time to prevent further illness. I will keep you in my thoughts with prayers for the best.


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Posted

Jim,comingout is not easy,especially with your family having the opinons that they have about gays.But no one wants to die alone. you're not an old man,but you are also no longer a kid,and with your medical condition things have changed. If your family loves you they will stay by your side,and same goes for your friends. Friends are one thing. When i was in Germany I had a hundred friends. When I came out i had three. Now for you there is one thing that is really important. No matter what the reaction will be,you must tell your family. My mother died and I never had a chance to tell her,for that matter I no longer have a family,and none of them knew.

I will most likely die alone. I wouldn't want you to go through what I will most likely go through. Atleast it will settle you inside to know that they know the truth. No one can say what will happen,but I wish you all the best,and hope that you recover from your cancer. I also hope that your family will see in you that their opinions of gays are totally wrong. We are just as human as they are.

The best of luck to you jim.


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Kalvin_Timm
Posted

im so sorry for u havin cancer my grandpa died from it and 3 other diseases and now my mom has inherited the trait and she is goin to die soon it wasnt easy for me to tell my family because i was afraid or rejection but i did and im happier and i have an understanding family. and i had a friend ask his parents if they loved him no matter what they said yes so he said what if i was a mass murderer they said yes but would turn him in, he said so what if i was crippled and u had to do everything for me they said yes so he finally said im gay and they didnt agree but with wat he said it made it seem less harmful to them or anyone. hope the best of luck and courage to you jim


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Sam_Barker
Posted

Sounds like we have given you lot to think about and good advice. Might I also suest you try to give up smoking as that would improve your chances f a complete remission or cure. Wish you livbed closer so we could yalk but all you get here is excellent


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Michael_Wolfe
Posted

Jim
I have too say that everyone here gave good advise. So I can't really help by telling you not to worry about what your family saids or do r does I just hope that they will understand what you are going through..

I have to say that you must not give up on life.I too had cancer and now I have live for two yrs without it..I had lung cancer and they were able to take it out..I did lose half of my lung but I am doing find..On top of that I have heart trouble and other Medical things..If I would have giving up 10 yrs ago when my heart gave out I would not be here today..

Please keep your heart and mind open to the doctors and life yourself up with Gods word..Remember it will be hard for family and friends to be there but if they do I know that they will love you for who you are.

You will be in my prayers and in my thoughts..My dreams are that you will come through this cancer and your family and friends will understand..


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Hello there Jim first of all I'am sorry to hear about your health problem with Cancer and I hope you can recover soon from that. As for coming out to your family. I also agree with the rest who posted already and you should let your family know even though what they believe is what you are worried about. Well you should write them a coming out letter and come out to them that way explain everything about you having cancer but add how you want to tell them about you being gay. If talking in person is too difficult then a letter is a good way to do it. But include at the end of your letter your phone number if you live far but give them a day or so to let them take in the letter you sent them. Or go to them after a phone call and talk to them in person. And explain to them and see if they understand that you are still the same person they knew all along just now they will know the real and true you. I hope everything goes well with your coming out and especially your health take care and good luck.


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Hi Jim,

You've had a lot of good advise here, but may I suggest you read a book called 'Quantum Healing' by Deepak Chopra. This is an amazing book about recovering from serious illness. You may even discover a link between cancer and living two lives.

Best wishes to you
Matt


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at first i told my best mates then it leaked and went around my secondary school and no one did anything then it came to telling my mum i had problems with this girl because she liked me then she found out i was gay then she told me to go die ect. mum was helping me out to calm down and that, thats when i had to tell her because thats what part of the problem was then i got mum to tell the rest of my family and everyone's fine with it.

no matter what friends or relations they should accept you for who you are

p.s sorry to hear about your illness

take care
David


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regret doing something rather than regret not doing it I say. Life feels more enjoyable without the unnecessary stress. And I think everyone has an obligation to prioritize their own happiness don't you think?

Worrying what could happen can kill a guy faster.


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Jim_Staley
Posted

Hi I would like to thank all of you for your help. I came out to my best friend and now I think I have lost him. He thinks that I told him because I want him. I tried to tell him that was not it at all. I flat out told him that he is not my type and I would not want him in 100 years.


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Michael_Wolfe
Posted

I am sorry that happen and there is nothing that I can say to make it better.Remember things will get better even with your health.


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Things will get better Jim. I lost my bestfriend as well when I came out,and for the same reason.


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Antony_Terrance_Parker
Posted

Sorry for all the shit you are going through.I agree with all of the above.In the uk with have support groups for friends and familys of gay men and there are some really cool people in them who maybe able to support you and your family.It may help you to write all your feelings down when you sit them down and if they flounce out you can always post it to them.My Dad went balistic when he found out and in the end it worked out well,he even bought me and my boyfriend a cup of tea in bed.Under it all is love and if they freek about you being gay it may be more to do with the cancer.Sending you loads of hugs and best wishes.Antony x


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gstanescu84
Posted

Hi Jim,

Am very sorry to hear about your illness. It can't be easy. I know it can't. Me sis had a cancer scare in her brain. I know its not the same the thing. Probably worse with what you're going through. Eitherway, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

The topic of coming out, no gay man or any member of the LGBT society should have to deal with rights, coming out etc., We are human NOT monsters. Its bullshit if you ask me. I have only come out by a year now. I came out in Sept 2009 to my mother. But it didn't go well. So I got a job to distract me. The real coming out was when I got meself a boyfriend. He was the most amazing guy any guy could ask for. However me mother got in the way of the relationship and after 9 months he gave up and said have a good life. He was totally understanding but as a friend of his said and I quote"You are not your usually bubbly self". A friend/boss told him that. I was deeply hurt when my own mother had done that to another human being. It went right through me.

I went through alot of shit for several months. Relations/relatives etc., got involved. It was too much for me to handle. I really wanted to kill myself which is not natural for me. I was the bubbly quite guy always.

Name calling, me aunt(who was my favourite) calling me casted my the devil, diseased etc., It was HELL. Was very popular in my college class. But I came out to those first and as you expect LOST them all. FB numbers going down deeper and deeper and deeper.

Me parents(mother - me dad was ok. He didn't do much never mind say much) she continued abusing me even after the breakup of me and my bf. The day after my breakup she wanted me to go out with a girl/woman. I wanted to have fun, but had to lie to her several times to get my way. As one of you have said, we have done nothing wrong. I will be moving out my family home in the next few months. Our local police force had to be called after scenes of violent behavior was encountered.

Thank God now after over a year things have calmed down. But believe you and me it was hell. Never do I hope none of yee go through what I had to endure when i came out.

Friends unfortunately come and go. You're real friends are those who support you NO MATTER WHAT. Whether you had a close friend before you came out to them Jim, or not, your friends should be by your side. The close friend you tell us that you have lost, well am afraid to say that I don't consider him a friend if thats what he does. You're real friends are your family and relations well that is when they understand of what being gay is all about.

I'll sign off my wishing you the very best of luck in your future. I will keep an eye on this discussion and see how things are. You are in my thoughts and prayers Jim. Health is far more important in your situation than coming out. Try and get yourself healthy again. Then consider coming out. As someone prev mentioned coming out is alot of strenuous work and worry.

I know many gay men who have not come out at the age 49 i think. You'r 39. Is there a particular reason why you want to come out. If it were up to me I wouldn't have come out at all. But because I had a bf I had to.

Best of LUck. Let me know how you are etc.,


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