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A story for supper - Writers Nook

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Posted

So I'm writing a book and would appreciate any opinions. (:
This is just a short example of what my book will be about and how it will be written like.

Smell.
One of the five senses.
I think it's one of the most important.
Fuck, I'd give away my sight before I'd give up the ability to smell.
Maybe if that was an option, I'd have some of my innocence left.
No matter though.
Scent.
It can lead you places.
Like the smell of the salty yet refreshing sea breeze calling for you to watch the moon reflecting off of the sparkling and thrashing edge of the sea.
Or it can just be familiar.
It could be of something you were surrounded by since you were a child.
A nice home cooked meal your mother cooked before your father left her. Before it became overcooked ramen noodles and canned spaghetti. Before you knew about the violence.
Long before the bloodshed and tears.
It can remind you of fantasies.
Or nightmares.
Maybe a little of both.
If you're like most people I know, you enjoy the sweet with the sour.
This place was like my second home.
Not because I choose it to be.
No, no.
Cheap perfume, sweat, testosterone, sex, cigarettes, drugs and booze are always common and intoxicating in these well known establishments.
Come on.
Don't act as if you've never participated.
You are as fucked as the next person.
It's okay to admit it, we are all fucked.
With our sick fantasies.
Whether it be if you're into the very young wearing the over revealing school girl outfit, you staring intently as she teases you for those dollar bills. Or maybe you're into the older. The ones who's been here long enough, fuck playing dress up, anything will do. Of course you'll try to play hard to get with your money even though your intentions have always been for the back rooms.
$50-$75 to make you happy.
Fully satisfied.
Never knowing or possibly caring how many other guys she's sucked off that night.
Not like she would ever tell. Unless, you're into that kind of thing.
Hey, you got what you wanted, right?


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Takehiro_Saito
Posted

This seems like a cross between a freewrite and a freestyle poem to me. You said this will be a book and be in this style the whole way through? How long will it be? Personally, this formatting would get tedious for me. Then again, I've never been much of a poem reader.

The writing itself and the content seem fine, just the style that grates on my nerves. The sentences are sort of choppy. Start and stop. It lacks a flow. I'd like to know what it is you're trying to accomplish by writing it like this?

These are just personal preferences though. Others may love it written like this. =]


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Posted

I write poems and stories and this was hard to read.

Also if you have to use the word "Fuck" then it will turn a lot of people off and it shows you need to get a better range of words to say what you want to say.


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