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Cassie_Salter

I long to hold you - Poetry Group

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Posted

This isn't my best, i wrote it like 30 seconds ago, but i might as well post it ;]

I
sit here waiting.
Perhaps for far
too long.
Long
enough to watch
the rooster crow
and the sun set.
To
truly admire your
ability to toy with
me. How foolish I was.
Hold
on tight to your heart.
If I have but one second,
I’ll rip the very foundation
you
stand on. I stand up. Pick
up my bangs and walk away.
Head held high.


Charlene_Elizabeth
Posted

I find irony in the thought that
one who writes about burning bridges
is a master at destroying them

One who thinks herself
above the ordinary act
of lighting a match
setting flames to wood
cannot see the obvious

A bridge allowed to sit
without care or use
over days, months, years
is ruined as surely
as a bridge that is torched

Both bridges are unusable
impassable
dangerous
Of course, you can try to rebuild
what you destroyed

But there is no assurance
the new bridge will be strong
safe
sound
or standing
when you want to cross it


Posted

yes, you can tell it dosent have the passion you usually write,,,however good none the less.
i really like the way you word your feelings, it fascinates me.


Posted

well, i felt like writing earlier, then i had some chores to do, and i had the idea still, but not the motive, but thanks and i really like your poem : ]


Posted

@ charlene, i really like this....descriptive, ironic and emotional.

very nice.

@ cassie well its been my experience that, when you are at your most vulnerable and emotional state is when the best of whats inside flows out.

try not to force your talent let it flow naturally.
just saying

l


Erin_M_Ballantine
Posted

i actually really like this one. and i know it is common wisdom that you have to be in an emotional state to write "well", but i don't think that is always true. i think there is plenty of passion in the simplicity of the poetry. sometimes fewer words can say more. that's why it's poetry and not prose. The imagery you've created is so simple on the surface, but so strong. I think there are some good results of the idea having time to tumble around in your mind before sitting down to write. it seems to have made what few words you have chosen hit the point very accurately.


Posted

I tried to post this in a discussion but it didn't work. so i'll just put it in this one.

I've dealt with too many girls like you.

I haven’t cried since my best friend died,
and I know it sounds petty, but I did tonight.
You make me so frustrated. I’ve dealt with too
many girls like you. Lead me in, play the part.
When the time seems the worst you’ll bring
me down even lower. It’s almost as though
you enjoy seeing me scrambling to put my life
back together. With every tick of the clock, I
become closer to Imploding. Each tick of the
clock I feel my heart slow. But this is what
you wanted. Isn’t it? I mean you wanted
a poem written about you didn’t you?
Oh! You wanted it to be a happy one?
Honey, is this not good enough for you?
But that’s how it always is. But the best
part is that you expect me to just pretend
like this isn’t going to affect me. Little do
you know you’ve crippled my heart and destroyed
what little sense I had left. But I suppose this is the
game you play. How many others have you wrecked?
Am I nothing but a trophy to you? You’re sick.
I feel like crying tonight will not be enough. I’ve
never felt so used. But the sun is rising, and I know
what tomorrow brings. But I’ll try to change it.
I’ll try to prove you wrong. Because I’m better
than that. I am better then you.


Erin_M_Ballantine
Posted

There are a lot of elements in this poem that i like. i find myself wanting to know more about the 'you' you are speaking to. were you lovers? were you friends? were you family? are they leaving you? are they abusing you? are they neglecting you? are they lying or cheating? etc. i dont know what it means that i am wanting to know more. you create this overlord sort of character who seems to be watching you fall apart, and i want to know more about why they have this power over you. does that make sense?

i know thats not a commentary specifically on the writing, but i think it would be neat to see a follow up poem expressing who this person is. not necessarily in a literal sense, but on a basic level. how have they come to hold this power that makes you crumble. you know? i know i have weird suggestions, obviously you can ignore them.

as far as the writing, i think you've done well here. i can totally relate to all of the sentiments expressed through the course of the poem. i have felt like this before, and often write similar sorts of poems. the beginning starts in such a dark place, with the first lines being about the loss of a friend - which in turn brings up the question of strength since you make it clear that you have survived and grown and been strong. So, you start the poem from a position of strength. Then we see your mind wander through all the questions and fears and anger, almost like watching you pass through the 5 steps of grieving. Then at the end you arrive again with resolve and strength. Not an easy strength, but a strength that will carry you through until tomorrow. It is a nice journey.


Erin_M_Ballantine
Posted

@Charlene - I am curious as to what you would title your poem? I think you've got a nice poem there. I like where the first two verses go, how they are written. I like the imagery of the last three, also. That's where I really start getting the imagery of burned out bridges and bridges worn with time, the idea of people stranded on opposite sides of a divide, whether through determined destruction of the connection or simple neglect. I like all that. There is, to me, some disparity, though. Between the first two paragraphs and the next three there is a change in tone or voice. Maybe because the first two paragraphs contain I and you, are referring to characters, but in the last three the bridge becomes t.he central character. I don't know necessarily how to make them more consistent. It's important to set up the metaphor of the bridge being between two people and not just a bridge across a river. I also really like the beginning, the point of irony. Then later I really like how the metaphor is simple. I don't know. Not the best critique job. I think it's well done.


Posted

It was a close friend, who well isn't a friend anymore, she wanted to be more, but kept tugging my emotions around. and it happened with the same situation the year before a year ago, but this person and i weren't friends. People have this power over me when i like them, I've always been raised to please people, and i'll go out of the way to make them happy, and sometimes it results in compromising my happiness. And sometimes I'm just afraid to voice my opinion, or i'm scared of what others will think, but thats why i write. sometimes the 'overlord' is myself, and i'm fighting the evils in my mind.and i'm not really sure what i would title it. i haven't decided yet.



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