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Growing Pains on Coming Out - Bi Bi Bi Women

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Ahhh, ladies... I need advice. I know that it is wrong to base a relationship on sex, but here's my story. The few sexual encounters I had with men(post divorce) between '08 and '10 left me feeling kinda cheap and empty. I tried to rationalize that I was just satisfying an urge and didn't want anything serious going on, me being a musician and all. Hard enough for some people to deal with that life. And the men didn't really make me come, either. Fast forward to April '10, and I'm with a woman AND a man...incredible! Especially the woman. I thought I was falling in love or infatuation, or whatever, with her. (Last year I was with one woman, but we just kissed and made out in her car, ONCE). Women feel so DAMN good. They taste so DAMN good. Everything about them is different from a man. So I am a novice lover in the female department...STILL. I found a woman friend with benefits that flew solo, and slept with me, and because she was really my FIRST to take me alone, she drove me crazy too. I tried to pretend that she was just a fuck buddy, nothing serious, once again, like the former men in my life (outside my ex-husband of 14 years). But women are just DIFFERENT. Emotions get in the way, especially on my end, because this is so new and fresh and exciting. Well, we went out dancing at a great club and it was a beautiful night, except she wasn't feeling well when we got to my place. But you know what happened? Even with the headache she had, (I guess it was a mild hangover), she wanted to please me. I felt honored, in a way, 'cause she didn't have to do that. She said it was ok. So anyway, I found the only advil I had left and offered it to her. She left a few hours later, after a long nap. We texted all along, off and on, but fairly regularly, since I met her in July, but after Friday this past week, I decided to give her a break and I fought the urge, tooth and nail, to text. Then I heard from her via email, a funny joke movie format that I couldn't even open, and today I sent her the 3 words..."I miss you."
Shit. Why do I have to ruin everything? I know I really put myself out there on that one. But I really did miss her, and especially since I felt I hadn't pleased her the way she had pleased me, and I wanted the opportunity to redeem myself. Ya know, to make her come!
So I heard from her a few hours later: "Daille, I don't know what to say... I'm just not feelin' you like that. I don't want to be mean but I do want to be honest. I don't know what I want right now. It's not you..."etc. She is going through a lot right now, it's true. But I am in the "hit it and quit it" stage right now. So feeling just like a lil girl who wants to test the waters and taste the fruit, but not ready for emotional baggage. I still don't want a long term thing yet. I just need to feel validated in my desires and my need to express my horny self. I know it'll pass. "But as Nurse Jackie (Edie Falco) prays, "God, make me good. Just not yet..." That's how I'm feeling. That's the place where I am in my life. Please share your coming out stories...


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SarahLynn_Bower
Posted

ouch
i'm going through something like that now, but with this guy i met last friday.
at the same time i am excited and want him soooooo mucch but i also feel afraid that... i ddon't know.
maybe just a funk i'm going through.. and the women so far have been like "eek!" i'm straight or already involved with someone else
i hate this in betweeness


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Posted

Yeah. It just sucks. Trying not to get depressed and find something positive to take my mind off this.


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Posted

Daille, did you try telling her you felt like it was one sided the last time, and that you want to make her happy this time? I think maybe she got nervous and thought you wanted a commitment from her. Some people need to take things really slow in the emotions department. Tell her you miss hangin out and stuff, try not to make it sound all lovey dovey. Being an artist, it's sometimes hard to express yourself and communicate with words. I try, but goddess help me, I often fail! Doesn't stop me from tryin' again though! Good luck hon!


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Posted

Thank you so much Amber...life is real funny...Guess who sent me a text last Friday OUT OF THE BLUE and asked, "would it be wrong if I wanted to fuck you?" Let's call her my buddy, Summer. I didn't send shit to her by phone since the last text when Summer said "idk what I want," cause I was callin' myself not being desperate or clingy. But SHE texted me THIS time. I played it really cool, and didn't answer right away. But I DID say yes. lol What was missing was the lovey dovey shit you were talking about. lol We had a couple hours, 'cause she had to take her daughter to the movies for the late show, and I played it cool as a cucumber...typical musician gettin' hers---and guess what? I gave her the big O twice. Afterwards, I say, are we even now? She checked to see if that was what I said. I said yeah. Summer confirmed it. After all, she said in a text earlier that day, u owe me two. Well, she got it good that night. I'm content just for that. Moving right along...Thursday, the day before, I went out to NY with a lesbian friend of mine that wanted to introduce me to the lesbian/gay scene in the City. So I'm feeling better now... meeting people, meeting African American lesbians that meet not only for social networking, but to discuss sexual health, parenting, political issues, etc. Then we went to Harlem and found a great club called Billie's Black--so gay friendly, chic, sophisticated and comfortable at the same time. They do poetry readings there. I LOVE NEW YORK!!!!!


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Posted

Sarah, how are things for you? And Amber, you keep ON trying, you hear? We're living! Any day on this side of the earth is a good day.


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Posted

dang girl got me tearin up! i hear u bout the urge an holdin back to not show care but end up on a edg of wanting that hit back from her! i say try stay strong an get ur self feeelin good an than proced with talkin clear wit out build up on mind or it can effect the talk flow


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