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My Poems about finding out I was gay and liking older guys - Writers Nook

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People say I'm lucky where I reside
Rolling hills and ancient tress frame my view.
Cows sleepily make milk in grasslands wide,
Spider webs glint with jewels of morning dew.

Air clean, no noise of cars, pollution free;
Swift silver streams diamond studded dancing.
A rolling vista, multi-hued I see
Sparse spread cosy homes the scene enhance.

I love this land, as boy I roamed it free
On foot, by bike, adventures in my mind.
To swim a river, climb a massive tree;
To fight and vanquish demons of all kinds.

But now in vain I look for solace there.
I look for secret places where I can hide.
In circles wander; try to loose my care,
But this demon I can't fight, it's inside.

In countryside so peaceful, I know well,
I walk for miles, never loose my way.
But all the time I take my living hell
That growing cancer telling me I'M GAY!

No lepers bell, but hatred all the same,
Afraid to say; afraid to live a lie.
Those secret places where I played a game
Now serve again, this time a place to die.

Where is the boy who laughed and dragons slew,
Who loved his life, met hope with open arms?
Now hated himself, fears living if they knew
A dirty secret replaced a boyish charm.

Not normal, pervert, shouldn't be allowed
A place in hell reserved for those who dare.
On Earth alone, yes even in a crowd
Perhaps it's time he took his place down there.


There's a voice that's screaming inside me
"Why can't I be the same?"
Like the rest of my generation
Fit into the teenage frame.

They hate me because we're wealthy
The money is not mine.
I don't want the things they buy me.
I just want a bit of their time.

I can't help finding learning so easy
Why am I hated for that?
Why resent be cause I am clever?
It's like hating a guy 'cos he's fat.

I don't like the music you rave to
But I don't make fun of you.
I listen to classic for pleasure
Why does that so upset you?

My sexual feelings confuse me
I don't feel I'm part of the norm
But who can I talk to about it?
Admitting would cause such a storm.

You think that my life is so perfect
Big house and money to spare.
If only you knew what the truth was,
But I doubt that you'd really care.

I hate it that I am so different
I don't like the person I am.
So why do I just go on living,
Yes living a life that's a sham.

You hate me because I am different
But if I do you a fave;
Remove this wart from your presence
Would you come and visit my grave?

I doubt it; I'd still be neglected
A stone carved out with my name.
Like so many else in our churchyard
Unloved, but at last I'm the same.


What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see the hope in my eyes?
Can you see my dreams and my need to feel loved?
To feed my inquisitive brain?
No! You just see a young boy
A vulnerable easy prey.
A body for your enjoyment
Then quietly go on your way.

What do you hear when you listen to me?
Can you hear the fear in my heart?
Can you sense my dread and my hate of my self,
And my hating the life I've led?
No! You just hear a young boy
Confused and frightened and scared.
His body for your enjoyment,
Then nothing else to be said.

So if all you want is my body,
Ignoring my brain and my heart;
You couldn't care less all the damage you'll cause
Just as long as you feed your lust.
So you just want a young boy.
In that case you'll have to pay.
My body for your enjoyment
For cash, then I'll slip away.

Yes I'll slip away with my anger
So you'll never see that I cry.
Never see the way that my hate eats me up,
The world, and myself, I despise.
But why? He was just a young boy?
So much to live for they say.
A body, now all life expired.
He died, cos you had your way.


Why do they say our love is wrong
Because you're twice my age and more?
The more the world condemns us both
The more I know our love is pure

What can I give, I have but youth
To pay you back for what you give.
Your wisdom, care and concern:
Encouragement to make me live.

I steal your wisdom for my own
I pick your knowledge as I need.
You help me grow and to mature
My seeking heart you help to feed.

Our tender moments oh too brief
A special time two bodies share.
A man and boy the world condemns
They cannot know, I do not care.

I know that what we have is good
Your age can bring what youth can't have.
The world may say that we are doomed
But I'll love you so long I live.


Why Why Why does no-one hear my screams
As I am cut by what you do and say?
But you don't know the pain and fear you cause.
I want to speak, but how do I find the way?

I'm not mature and wise with memories in store.
I am still young and yet to live my life.
What does the future hold but fear and hate:
Better to end than live a life in strife.

Confused and lonely, mixed up, scared, alone
Fate, God, not me, made me the way I am.
I've done no wrong, hurt no-one but myself.
I was happy once, then puberty, and WHAM.

You don't have to hate me, call me names
I do that myself, more than you could try.
You mix, make friends, enjoy both life and love,
I stay alone, unwanted and I cry.

Will I forever have to live a lie?
Life's what you make it, that I know's not true.
My life's best ended, it's a living hell,
Not made by me my friend, but made by you.

You don't know me, do you really care?
As I am cut by what you do and say.
I want to speak, to make you understand,
At fifteen how can you tell the world you're gay?


Dean, that is an incredibly moving exposition of the tensions that I know raged within me at your age, and beyond. For such a young man you possess some profound insight into the plight of those who live on the margins of society for whatever the reason.

With time we learn to live with the separation from what we ourselves consider normal: fitting in with the crowd, enjoying the prevailing culture as if we were a part of it. But we still feel the separation.

In time it is possible to embrace the separateness. In fact with time it is possible to realise that even the most with-it person feels the same acute separation. Then we are able to embrace all that makes us who we are.

The dark limits the light but also helps to define it. Thank you for sharing these intimate thoughts and helping those of us who perhaps felt we were alone realise that others have and are experiencing the same.


I hope I get around to feeling ok some time


I am sure that you will, although it rarely happens quickly


Moving poetry I'm glad you wrote these lines and explored these feelings in words, particularly the self negating feelings rather than acting on them.



I'm so tired!.
Not the contented weariness of labour well done;
Nor the healthy exhaustion of exercise;
But when the brain screams out for rest,
And none comes. God grant me sleep.

I'm so tired!
Tired of pretending that I am what I am not.
Terrified lest someone should know that I am gay,
And yet I long to be myself
But cannot. God grant me sleep.

I'm so tired!
Tired of keeping the dreadful story of my home.
Hiding the marks, the tears, the pain. Lest they see
And so guess the shameful secret:
The disgust. God grant me sleep.

I'm so tired!
Tired for crying for one who is long dead and gone.
Whose love once filled my life.Whose arms once held me
Filling my life with sweet laughter
Now I cry. God grant me sleep.

I'm so tired!
Tired of being alone, with no friends of my own;
Enduring taunts and comments every day.
When will it stop and friendship come?
I know not. God grant me sleep.

I'm so tired!
Trying to sort out my life, who I am.
To live MY life, not theirs, and have a future.
To see my hopes and dreams come true.
It won't be. God grant me sleep.

I'm so tired!
Tired of crying myself to sleep night after night.
Longing for arms to hold me, and stop my tears.
But I'm a stranger to kindness,
So shun it. God grant me sleep.

I'm so tired!
Tied of knowing each day will be always the same:
Nothing changes, same emptiness, the same pain.
Each night I lay me down to sleep:
But wake again. God grant me sleep:
Never again to wake.


Another poem I wrote. I was really low when I did this one

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