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my new story, only a short chater though it's could An Un-Natural Flaming Love - Writers Nook

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So anyways I was having fun swimming this day late in June, I didn’t really like what I did, but I didn’t really hate it, more of the fact it was almost once a month. But anyways I got done with swimming and decided to go inside to play a few games before “he” got here….. Almost three levels into the game Bill got here, if you haven’t guess Bill is the “he” I was talking about. Bill was the messenger demon here to give me my latest task I am to do for the devil. Well he went on about how bad I was down in hell, that’s why I tried and got this job.

Well a week or two pasted after that last mission, I was glad that I got to play my games a bit more, I finally beat three of my games I had five. I usually walk at night cuz it’s much cooler than in the morning. I just walk I don’t go to the club but once a month but that’s just for a drink. I don’t have sex with every human I see because I ain’t like that. My games got a bit boring so I have been playing on the computer for a week facebooking it. But also searching for that special someone that I still can’t find, and if I did find him, the hard part world be telling him I am a demon.

You see I am also getting used to this new life, cuz I have been here, like a vampire but a demon instead to do my job, I look like I am like twenty to twenty-five. I could get almost anyone I wanted but would rather not, another point to that is since I am a demon, they would see it as they age and I stay young, and if they would accept the demon that I am. I go to the club to have some fun, but I don’t like having see with just anyone, I haven’t had sex since I died, which was 40 years ago, but I can handle it I mean it’s not like I need it to live. Plus I want to have a relationship first before anything else, so that will be awhile. Oh before I forget, I am gay, so yeah no women, strictly gay clubs.

A few months has passed since that day, and I get the strangest hunt ever and what happens I can’t believe what happens. It started off like any normal day; I got my assignment, waited a few minutes to get the details, and was off. Like always as well as that I walk, but it doesn’t take long to get to the house. It was a lovely house, like out of those magazines these days. It was a brick exterior, cast-stone trim, and corner quoins make up this attractive single-living-area design. The entry introduces a formal dining room to the right and a living room with a wall of windows to the left. The hearth-warmed family room opens to the kitchen/dinette, both with 10-foot ceilings. A large bay window enhances the dinette with a full glass door to the covered patio. A large master suite with vaulted ceilings features a bayed sitting area, a luxurious bath with double lavatories, and an oversize walk-in closet.

I thought it was really nice, the way it was built, but once I got inside, it was nicely furnished, clean and bright, I almost felt bad for taking this guy away, but it must be done. I couldn’t find him anywhere down stairs, so I go upstairs to find the master bedroom. It took a while in this house but I found it to my surprise he was asleep. That makes it easier, but what I also didn’t see was this handsome man sitting in the chair next to the bed. I panicked cuz I am not allowed to show most people that I am a demon. Then he looks up and sees me staring at him.


really good. Excellent detail


ok, hehe comments comments comments, fav line: Oh before I forget, I am gay, so yeah no women, strictly gay clubs.
I think you're idea is good, but you jump a little quickly from day to day and I got a little confused. I'd take out the "so anyways" in the first line.
“he” got here….. Almost three levels into the game Bill got here
I'd reword the second bit of that cuz you have to here's and it's sorta awkward since you're in past tense, and we don't know that he's for sure in the same place. And I think the discrption you used in describing the house is good, but you should try and use it in the more creative aspects of your story. *smiles* sorry, i know you didn't ask you my opinion . . . but . . . I think it's good, a little editing and it'd be perfect XD

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