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Danielle_Kopp

Ideas? Suggestions? Advice? Please - Bi Bi Bi Women

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Danielle_Kopp
Posted

I've been on this cite for a while, and i've commented on a few things, but i've never actually started a discussion....until now

i'm 20, i've known and admitted i was bi about 4 years ago, though i'm pretty sure i knew before then, just not consciously. my boyfriend of almost 4 years (june 25th!!) is perfectly okay with it, though i think sometimes he's sad that he can't make me feel 100% satisfied all the time. i've never been with a woman before, and i think it's partially due to me not being out.

which leads to the point of this: i'm looking for ideas, suggestions, or advice on how to come out to my mother.

i'm only out to a few select people, but it's more out of a fear of losing people and being rejected by friends then it is due to being ashamed. i'm not ashamed in the least. and i know, if they can't accept me for who i am, then they shoudn't be in my life anyway, and that's true. but i've lost many friends over the years, for one reason or another, and i'm just so sad to think that i could lose more over this.

my mother has expressed her disbelief in bisexuality before when it came up randomly (i told her about something i heard at school). she said she doesn't believe in bisexuality and that "you're either straight or your gay" and in that instant, i never wanted to tell her. that was 3 years ago.
lately though, i've just been tired of hiding it. it feels like i am ashamed when i know for a fact that i'm not.

i'd also just like to start being more open about it.

but yeah, sorry this is so long, but i hope someone out there can help me

thanks a lot


Posted

I completely understand. I've been "confused" for as long as I can remember. And I remember distinctly a conversation I had with my dad when I was about 14? And I remember him saying that he would disown me if I came out as a lesbian. But a couple years later, when I was 16 or so, I just opened up to him and explained how I was feeling, that I was still confused, and I didn't know what I was. And at that point he said he would love me no matter what.

My mom, on the other hand, when I finally came out to my parents as bisexual, her first thought was the same as your mothers', "you're either straight or you're gay", and she assumed this was my "stepping stone" to coming out fully as a lesbian. This was last summer, I had just turned 19.

The important thing, however, is just being honest. If your mother is open minded enough to accept homosexuality, she'll accept you in time. I have faith that eventually my mom will stop feeling like somehow she did something wrong in raising me that has turned me into some kind of "sexual deviant", but I know that it just takes patience and time, sometimes.

Be honest, and be patient. I think that's about the best advice I can give you. And don't take anything personally. If she reacts badly, it's her own personal bias/issue, and with time anything is possible, even your mom coming to "believe" in the existence/reality of bisexuality.

Good luck.


Posted

I'm 40 years old, been on this cite for about 2 weeks, responded to a few posts. My boyfriend asked me about my being bi. (He's known me for over 30 years). I can't hide anything from him, so I was honest with him about it, on the condition that it didn't go any further. He promised. I shared with him that 17 years ago, I had a lesbian affair on my 1st husband, 2 days laIter, she was killed, but I hadn't dealt with her death. He told me "she's dead, let her go! I refuse to compete with a dead lover, male or female!" I finally gave her spirit permission to move to the next world, I have since gotten peace around her death, and my being bi.
I have never admitted this to my 1st husband. My mother is like your mothers, she is very judgemental about these things. I saw how she handled my brother's ex-girlfriend's announcement that she was leaving him for another woman. (shock, dismay,). When my nephew came out of the closet, her response was he's just "confused" or "high". You can see see why I have chosen to keep my mouth shut.
My father is a cowboy trucker, and not afraid to voice his opinions. We got on the subject of my cousin simon's death (simon was openly gay), I discovered, that I would be relatively safe talking to 2 of my uncles about this, but not my father. I dropped a comment infront of my dad and uncle, this past weekend "Eric almost sent me into the arms of a woman". Dad's response was " we don't have any carpet munchers in our family". Uncle Wally said yet. Uncle Wally and I spoke later, and he told me to just be true to myself despite what anyone else thinks.
I believe his advice is right on! Let's be true to ourselves and the rest will take care of itself.


Posted

My mom had a feeling I was bisexual--or at least that I had sexual feelings toward women when I just struck it up in normal conversation. I was nervous coming out to her at 44!!! lol But she loves me, nonetheless. All I know is I told her I was bi, and I DID NOT get the "either you're straight or you're gay" speech. I know as open minded as she is, she is not one to want to hear all the gory details that my friends and my cousin might like to hear about encounters, experiences. I do know she wants me to be careful...some women are as bad as men! lol My cousin said, "I just want you to be happy." You never know how people are going to react until you tell them. Their response may surprise you. Coming out is a process. I'm still not out at work, and I don't think it's gonna happen in my current situation. All my friends and family don't know yet. It can be as gradual or as speedy as you want it to be, but one thing for sure is that it is lifelong. When you get on a site like this you're coming out. When you go to a lesbian club, you're coming out. When you buy a book about homosexuality by authors who are lesbian, bisexual, queer, or gay, you are coming out. You want to see yourself reflected positively and build your self esteem when it seems some straight people view you as weird and deviant or lesbians view you as horny for everybody, or want to leave them for a man. When you rent or buy a gay porn or erotic video, you are coming out. When you flirt with a woman and your eyes linger, you are coming out. When you touch her, kiss her and discover this IS really YOU...You will come out in many ways, shapes and forms to the world during your lifetime. Just do it in your time.


Sierra_Brown
Posted

i can really understand that, all of friends and some of my family well maybe a cousin or two know that im bi im 23 and i still havent told my mom either and ive been this way since i was a young child ,dont get me wrong i did try to tell her.... well i asked her how do u feel about people who date the same sex and she said "they are all going to hell!" so i just couldnt come right out and tell her but i really think she knows i mean what mother can be totally oblivious they always get that feeling and 9 times out of ten they are right. i to hope that one day soon i can tell her that im bi. i remember i came out to a friend when i was 15 and she said to me thats not normal and i said to her what is normal ? when i finally realized that i was bi it was such a relief im happy to be who i am or what i am or whatever . and i agree with daille do it in ur own time dont go following those fools that tell u to just do it and get it over with. it may have been easy for them but sometimes it takes time.


Posted

Sierra,
You are right on! Dallie did say it best, Do it in your own time. I also agree that, we do come out in many little ways, often in ways that seem innocent enough to us, but in ways that others could use to "connect the dots."


Danielle_Kopp
Posted

i agree with what's being said on how i should do it on my own time, when i'm ready. i feel like i'm ready enough now, because i don't want to feel as if i'm hiding it anymore

i've never been close to my mother. i've never really been able to sit with her and have heart to hearts about what's going on with my life.

this is what i need help with. i have no idea how to even approach the topic. just going "hey mom, i'm bi" seems insane to me. not to mention i don't think i'd ever have the courage to do that.
i've toyed wtih the idea of just telling her when she takes me back to school, right before she leaves, or when i'm about to go back to school from a break or something, but that just feels like i'm a huge chicken (which, i suppose i am)


Sierra_Brown
Posted

ur not a chiken...this is ur mom ur talking about no matter what kind of relationship u guys have. when u r ready i think maybe it would be a good idea to tell her but not b4 u have anywhere to go. ur more than likely going to have to talk about it not the sexual stuff,you know "how long have felt this way?" "are u serious?" and the famous "are u going through a faze rightnow?" lol but never think ur being a chicken u just have to think of different ways to approach her about it. im still trying to figure out how to approach my mother....... i have no clue.....yet.


Posted

Danielle,
You are not a chicken, unless all of us that haven't had the words or opportunity to say something to our families are.
Here's a suggestion: Drop a question something like; "mom, I have this friend who is bisexual, if you were to meet her, how would you react to her?" This way you keep you out of the equasion, yet find out if she's safe to share this kind of information with.
This is why I dropped the phrase "Eric almost sent me into the arms of a woman." infront of Dad and Uncle Wally.
Uncle Wally said it best: "Be true to yourself, Be who you are and if others don't like it, they can screw themselves!"


Posted

Hey sweetie i'm 16 and i was scared to tell my mom as well I knew she wa sok with it but i didn't know how yo tell her but I broke down and said my i'm confused about my sexuitly. I was 14. She was the second person I told. i'm 16 now and i'm still bi. My mom doesn't think theres sucha thing as bisexuitly. But if you like men and women then your bi. If you think people will reject you then there not people I would want bas my friends do u really want them as yours? you have to be true to yourself tell your mom explain to her how you feel and why you feel that way she your mom and she should love you know matter what. You need to be true to yourself.


Danielle_Kopp
Posted

thanks amanda.
i actually ended up telling her a few days ago (well, probably a week now). it wasn't really my intention, but i had a bit of an emotional breakdown and a lot of things got said, including the fact that i'm bi. she didn't say much on it, due to all the other stuff i guess, and nothing's been said about it since.
i'm okay with that. it's nice though. i'm not gonna talk about girls with her or anything, but at least she knows now and i don't have to feel as if i'm hiding something

thanks for the words of advice to everyone



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