Jump to content
Sam_Noland

Criticism needed - Writers Nook

Recommended Posts

Sam_Noland
Posted

I wrote this as an introduction to my favorite character of my new story 'Fallen Souls' and need help deciding if its a good introduction to him. Please give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

Deep below the Nor Mansion, a young male opened his eyes and looked around his cell. It was dark, almost to dark to see anything but he was used to it, his eyes could still see. He got up, ignoring the shackles attached to his skinny and bruised ankles and walked slowly and stiffly to the bars of his cell so that he could look out at the stone stairs that led down to his lonely little hell. He gripped the bars with bonny pale hands and rested his head against them, closing his eyes, and listened. He could hear the protection spells placed over him buzz in the silence but something was different. He opened his eyes and looked up the stairs. People were approaching. Fearing the worst, he backed up into his little corner and curled up in a little ball. ‘Please, please don’t have them coming to kill me! Please!’

This part is in the view of one of the other characters that has come to rescue the boy after they fallow those who imprisoned him down to where he is.

The dim light landed on a small cell and inside was a small figure resting against the back wall, huddle in a little ball. Mr. Nor stopped right in front of the figure, his wife standing slightly behind him. Francesco watched Mr. Nor take a deep breath then he wrapped at the bars. “Wake up foren!” slowly the figure looked up and the face of a boy around twelve or thirteen looked up at them. His dark brown hair fell to his shoulders and was thick with grime and tangled. His skin was smudged with dirt and covered with tiny cuts. Slowly he stood up and showed that he was a little shorter then Siren. Slowly he walked forward, revealing that his ankles were chained to the wall. He was dressed in stained white pants and cloak that hung loosely of his frail form. He limped to the door and then looked up and stared at Mr. Nor with yellow eyes that were the only part of him that looked alive and seemed to prove that the power they sensed, truly was coming from him.


Share this post


Link to post

×