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Nyki_Padula

Poetry for an emotional release - Poetry Group

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Posted

Hey all -
So I'm definitely not a writer (unfortunately I was given all my creative talents in one area :P ) but often, I'll get urges to write poetry and such, and I was looking for some good criticism and opinions.
So! This is a little something that I wrote a couple months ago as a gift for someone I was dating at the time. Hope you like it.

This is No Dripping Faucet

I couldn’t imagine a scene sweeter than this one:
lying in a cloud of sheets with you,
You, like ripples in a lake, a gentle and powerful disturbance (this is no dripping faucet),
coursing through me, around me, inside me.
Bringing all our experiences together here,
walking on ice, ethereal, bare.
A meeting of lips and a touching of shins
Adjacent puzzle pieces
(my fingers explore the grooves in your neck into which they fit so well)
each sigh singing chords of perfect intervals
I, a fourth
You, a fifth
A harmony aching for release -
beautiful and exciting moment in music that sits cross-legged, smiling down into a cliff,
a few lazy words spoken float up like a smoke haze, burnt from a raging forest fire
and sit lightly in the air, hovering over our heads for a moment
before they dissolve into and out of this place (with small popping noises)
flitting off to the places I would carry you
to take you, to touch your temple with a stroke of my finger (the softest sparks hovering in the space between)
and free your sweet head.
There, we might meet back up with our words,
sit down cross-legged in the grass near that cliff (free from bugs just for you, my dear)
and smile, breathing the moment through accepting lips and crinkled eyes
and having them meet through a kiss in that space, enclosed and open.


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Posted

I like it a lot i just feel like there are some unecassary parts and words things that could be taken out or altered to help it flow better. but over all it has a very lovely affect


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Posted

Thanks!
Yeah, I totally get what you're saying. I think that might be a lack of editing. Or maybe I just talk too much.


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