Jump to content
Kelsey_Seana_Neville-McNabb

The hardest thing you've ever done in your life? - The Rainbow Lounge

Recommended Posts

Kelsey_Seana_Neville-McNabb
Posted

Someone asked me what the hardest thing I've ever done in my life was. I'd say quit cutting. I've been clean for 2 years and 2 months and I'm still going, it has been, and is the hardest thing I've ever done since day one. I wouldn't recommend cutting for anyone. I was so bad I almost got locked up... & here I am today helping people stop like me. I'd say it's an accomplishment.

I started for a few reasons.
1. All of my friends were doing it and telling me how great it is.
2. I was deeply unhappy, I'd been sexually assaulted by quite a few guys, beaten and disowned by my father, and I lived with a mother who was far more interested in her latest boyfriend than she was in me.
3. I was bullied at school so badly that I'd come home every day crying.
4. I felt like the world was better off without me.
5. I wanted to prove that it wasn't as addicting as my friends said
6. I was told that the physical pain masks the emotional one long enough to smile.

I started cutting when I was in eighth grade... at first it wasn't much. It would be little cuts, only ever on my left arm so they were easier to conceal, and enough to give me the rush that I NEEDED, the pain that I could understand, the burning/bleeding that I craved. But as time wore on my wrists got more and more numb to the kitchen knife. After a huge move to a town that actually hated me more than the one I was in, and a miscarriage to a girl after 3 months, I lost my mind. I completely shut down. I didn't feel anything, and when I did allow myself to un-numb, I'd just start crying. I cried for a week straight before my tears just seemed to dry up. Then I'd just sob. I felt like I'd lost everything. In one night I'd lost a fiance and a daughter. I started cutting really badly. I stole a razor blade from the school and I had hidden it in a crack in my desk. I was cutting deeper, and trying to drink and cut so that the blood would thin and couldn't clot. One day I brought a suicide note to school. I had planned to kill myself there because I couldn't bare the thought of my mom finding me... She had been saying I was a coward for doing it and that hurt more than anything else. It fell out of my purse and I got locked in the counselor's all day... I almost had to go to Shodair, a mental health hospital for kids. All this time I was getting slurs thrown at me for being a redhead and being a bisexual. I felt like I had hit the bedrock on the Earth and kept drilling. I felt like I was the lowest I could possibly go.

I woke up one day and realized how much I hated myself. I decided to cut myself one last time as a goodbye. It was one August 11, 2011. My 16th birthday. Now I have been clean for over two years, and every day is a struggle. I still miss Kalie... I still wonder why I wasn't good enough for my father's love... I still wish that I could be someone that made everyone proud... but I don't cut to cope. I write. And I try to help anyone who wants help. I'm a Christian... but I don't shove that down people's throats. I also don't believe He hates me because I like men and women. And I wouldn't have been able to get this far if I didn't believe He helped me. I hope to go into high schools and share my story. If I can save one person's life, I will have fulfilled my purpose. If I can save a hundred people, I will have achieved true happiness.

I've now shared the hardest thing I've done in my life, along with some painful memories... now it's your turn. What is the hardest thing you have ever done in your life?

(P.S. If you want to talk, or want helpful tips on how to quit cutting, or need a friend or anything, just send me a friend request. Or, if that's too personal, just send me a message and I will do what I can to help you.)


Share this post


Link to post
Michelle_Jamieson
Posted

Your doing an amazing thing. Self-harm is a growing epidemic. After 16 years I've gone from it ending up consuming me daily to averaging 2x a year. May; 2014 - be the year i'm a completly clean of self-harm. I can't explain how i have mostly recovered. i had my daughter 5 1/2 years ago and all my forms of self harm (cutting+e.ds) although they continued to dominate, slowly, slowly regressed. i guess cause i finally cared about consequences, and that someone might care (my daughter) if i went too far. Love X


Share this post


Link to post
Kelsey_Seana_Neville-McNabb
Posted

That's awesome! You're very lucky! Use it as a New Years Res. I always say to myself "I've made it this long, I can go one more day". If I take it a day at a time it's not so scary


Share this post


Link to post
Michelle_Jamieson
Posted

(Sorry for the above edit of my original comment. I can't add and mistakes bug me! It started when i was 11/12)
Thanks I am very lucky to have such a gift of a wonderful, cheeky little girl. Not planned, or expected, but the best things happen that way (I'll butt out now) So other can (hopefully) share the hardest things they've done. Take care you beautiful people xXx


Share this post


Link to post
Kelsey_Seana_Neville-McNabb
Posted

Lol message me if you ever want to talk. I understand the mistake thing.


Share this post


Link to post
Norma_Padro
Posted

The only thing that I learned about living in 47 years is that I had to learn to stay on my own. I went through a lot of problems. I thought that the world would be nicer and later I realized it wasn't like that. I learned that if you don't have your own network of friends that you are a total stranger and never will fit in. I tried to fit in the gay community, but I learned that I couldn't fit in either. I used to live in N.Y.C. and in the gay center I heard discriminatory remarks in a meeting that I attended once. I never went back to that meeting again. I tried to keep my spirits high by going to other types of meetings that I didn't have to talk to anyone at all, but just sit there and listen. I did everything without interacting with anyone. I never made any friends since people were into their own way of living. I just couldn't agree with living in the same way. I have always been different from the rest of the people. I have always had health issues and a learning disability that kept me from achieving good grades in school so I dropped out of high school. Because of my learning disability I was constantly depressed. I did landed in the hospital for four months. I was diagnosed with depression. I also completed my education very late in life due to my learning problems. This hasn't stopped me from looking up to the future. The hardest thing I ever had to do was watch my mother pass away. It was the most difficult thing ever. I haven't had any other difficulties, but was diagnosed with PTSD from childhood problems. I'm ok. I'm always ok. I get by. I'm an adult now. The decisions I make now are up to me. I can't blame my past on anyone, but myself. The truth is that if I didn't put my past on the side I wouldn't be able to go on with my life. Life is not easy, but you have to get up and live it like you were meant to. Life is a gift. Accept it.


Share this post


Link to post

×