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one day I woke up - Your WRITES

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Posted

It was in 2007..
Someone inside me told me it was time to take the final step out of the box, hiding behind close curtain was getting boring and it wasn't at all who I wanted to be.
I wasn't a pervert that was wearing feminine clothing for sexual pleasure. It was my true nature that wanted to be free.. It took a lot from me to take the step that will bring me to the top of my destiny, my faith was curve by so many misunderstanding, my family was the first one to go following by "my friends"..
I am still still, at this day be mark as weirdo, and other words that I don't want a use since they are from people that don't know all of me, How much it took to finally accept that if I wanted to be happy, he needed to go for ever and she was the true one that was meant to be.
I lost a child from an abortion that wasn't my ideal of doing so, that was my little girl that I lost, I never wanted to live this situation again, I knew that the hormone who'd make me sterile, It hurt me all the time, tears come on a daily base when I think of her, just sean a mommy with her daughter give me tears.. I got destroyed really bad on that relation.. I guess it's the hormone effect I suppose..
One of my ex told me a long time ago (15 years) that I should explored my feminine side.. somehow she knew...
Today I am proud of me, I gain my true personality, I am free of been myself, family and friend come and goes.. My cat never let me go because I change, she know I'm still the same, just better.. like an update ..
My only regret.. I should had done this way sooner..
I believe in me, it help me to stay strong when time was cloudy, It keep the storm away from me because my online friend never let me down, We are one
I only wish to be with someone before I die, I dream of been marry.. a simple little dream........


Posted

Welcome Jamie "I believe in me" That's is the major thing everyone has to do!


Posted

jamie, huni we all have to believe in me as martin says, but saying it every day to oneself is difficult, even just trying to do normal things when out in public could be differcult, even just using public toilets, a thing taken for granted by normal society.
Myself, i was lucky, could not have children, but had the money and at the time, so with my ex, we went to IVF clinic, and had a girl for me and a boy for her.
We even got married, and that bit about consumation never was asked because she had a bun in the oven ! so to speak.
It was later it all went to hell, me i just took what little life i could get and hold on tightly to it.
Was i wrong!
Even when first came on here, and family and others saw i was on gays.com, all they could see is what that word means, shocked that i was gay as only gays hang out together, straights think we have the plague!
Me i let them believe, even some on here at first, it was only as time went on here that i came to realise, the secret i lived, was unfair to people here, to keep hidden, but how to let them know gently.
It was in a few discussions in mike's room where i ended up defending people like myself,and seeing some of the comments "My god dont make mistakes", actually he does that all the time!
On my birth certificate is my original name, ai`le`an an rias, its gaelic for allan ross, yet all just assume that ailean is female, my mum and dad wanted a boy, not a girl born with gender dysphoria, or intersex, to me it no longer matters, people either accept me for whom i am, or not, thats there problem.
Anyway i made more friends on here than i ever had in an entire lifetime, and there still here, thats why i cant walk away.
And to me that is a good excuse as any, for family & others at work just think i am gay! not trans, and it is none of there concern.
Only my sister, daughter, and son knows about the transsexual part, dad is really his mum.proud of that fact, not ashamed, of it or the rainbow community, and no-one else should or need to feel ashamed.
Jamie, long distance relationships, on the inteernet can be difficult, for neither of us can hold each other close in our arms, hug and cuddle each other, that is what i miss, every night i want you close, but distance seperates us....
Suppose that is where the meaning of love can be hell, but its also a nice feeling, only the desolation of being apart is hard to overcome.
Maybe one day!..... but until then, if you find someone else, nearer you just drop me a line, i will understand, and be happy for both of you.
Blessed be my love......


Posted

I'm touch.. only word that came to my mind after a I saw your reply..
Thank You Miss.


Tristram_Goncalves
Posted

A weirdo is only someone who takes a stand that others don't understand. You are who you are, who you feel you are, a secret from deep inside that tells you that there is something about yourself that you need to find.

I understand your sorrow at your miscarriage, my oldest child died of crib death, now called SIDS. I can still feel her lifeless body in my hands when I picked her up from her crib, she was three months old. That was nearly 40 years ago now.


Posted

theses scares will never go away, I live theses moments everyday of my life, it destroy me piece by piece, and been alone, on my own don't help at all.. I'm so tired of fighting for something that should not be....


Posted

theres not a day that past without me thinking of her, pain will always remain, never goes away, just reborn to be relived again and again, I am alone and on my own when I should be with someone.. I am tired of fighting for something that should not be


Tristram_Goncalves
Posted

I understand, sooner or later during each day something brings my Aretha to my mind, and I mourn a little, and then move on to what is going on today. Her birthday is a difficult day for me.


Posted

Jamie in spite of what you have heard there is NOT someone for everyone--I am not saying that there isn't someone for you but you have to learn to depend, lean on yourself---yes you have been through a lot of pain and hurt and though it never goes away it does get easier to live with--age/time does heal many things--I have been alone and on my own for over 40 years--I have had to make my own family-- it has taken time but I have survived because I needed to--because I need every day of my life.


Posted

agreed martin, but its easier for gay guys or lesbian girls, when one is MTF transsexual, the understanding of how we feel and why can be different for everyone, except we feel we were born in the wrong sex, and every day can be rough.
Once on here was a nice guy, in a discussion on transsexual he posted "My god dont make mistakes" , well sorry but god does all the time.
On facebook a lot of transpeople like pink shoes and dresses, and to be truthful they will never look right in that fashion.
I wear unisex clothing, and get funny looks often, and i do my shopping in primark, and in the store , not as many do online, if your a real transperson you have to be comfortable about being out in public, so many fakes, also a lot not on treatment or even down for SRS, sexual re-assignment surgery.
And guys there may not be someone for everyone, but me and jamie have been close friends for a while, she is the main reason why i came back here, so please be nice to her.
Another friend of mine christina is now here on this site, she is a transperson too, we may be the cinderella of the lgbt, and last in line, but we represent the T in that grouping just as I stands for intersex people.
Jamie we have each other, as i have stated we can communicate, now or elsewhere, your no longer alone my love, not any more.
Hugs & kisses my love xxxxx ailean.


Christina_Desireé_Holt
Posted

Cool! Thanks Ailean



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