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Juanis_San

needed a place to express some stuff - The Rainbow Lounge

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Juanis_San
Posted

ok, so i apologize in advance for my non-sense. And horrible spelling and etc.
But i really need a place to just rant, since the local friends aren't much of a help..


It's been six month since i moved out of the ex gf place. in those six months i have tried to forget her, and well it isn't working. The more i try the more i miss her. Before her my i was able to disconnect my emotions from myself and be done with it. Ever since we started to chit chat via text she opened up a whole new me, this new me scared me a lot but it brought so much excitement.

I always heard of online dating mainly for one night stands and such. Yes i met her here on Gays.com i was just here to see what this site was about and the coming out stories and what to expect when i came out the closet myself. so when we met on here and tarted to chit chat i was like ok she is cool and would be great to meet her one day. even tho that wasn't going to happen she lived states away. Soon i realized i couldn't picture a day with our conversations. Then she surprised me by taking a plane and coming to meet me!!! i was so scared and excited!!! she missed her first flight and when she told me she wasn't coming i cried as if there was no tomorrow ..silly right.. my mind told me he wasn't ever planning to come she just plaid you.. so after that day she explains what happened and as if nothing happened i was all happy again. she finally makes it to airport in my city!! im so excited and nervous i couldn't say a thing!!!!!! like the only thing i could say was HI! and the only thing i was able to say till like the 2nd hour? cause i took us to eat and the whole way there we both were quiet. once we where at the restaurant we ordered are food and i could only say to her!!! after the meal i got some courage to say more words lol

we finished our meal and were outside in the parking-lot looking at the construction of the near by building. i couldn't believe still... she was here inches away from me!!!! we had a lil chit chat, and she asked for a kiss!!! i was so nervous i freaked out and said no. we drove the a bazaar waled around and in that parking-lot when we were leaving she kissed me!!! i was so ahhhh!!! feeling and she gave me a ring and a dove necklace. i looked at them said thank you. but when she gave me Bam-Bam (bunny stuffy) i was all excited like a lil kid on x-mas =]. we went to the near by man made lake [mud puddle like she calls it] we walked around and with each step i got more courage to hold her hand and eventually kiss her!! and that following week was a fairy tale!

months later she moves down.Soon after we got an apartment, took a road trip brought the kids. All was well.

i was always not comfy about not being able to provide, i always worked but i never could afford my own place (i was 19) and that always bothered me.. how can i start something when i cant even afford a roof over my head. But i left those fears aside and jumped in with the apartment with her.

Time went by and it was amazing yeah, we had some issues but they were minor... like who's turn is it to wash dishes kinda issues. Nov. i loose my job and it went down hill from there... i always had school and a job. Nov. i was done with school and soon after that's when i lost my job. soon the apartment and so on.

i had to leave to Mexico cause of family emergencies in Feb., come back and she has a place for us to stay. i have to reside at the folks for about 2weeks more. Then i move back with the gf. the fact i had no job haunted me and made me miserable and attach to that my attitude changed to a more negative me, Yet we staid together for another six months. At this time we had some major issues. The relationship had gone cold, there was no intimacy and it felt as if we just said hi cause of formalities. She needed me to babysit and i needed her for a roof. kinda deal. Still trying to work things out... but we had two completely different methods. My method was lets talk, her method was spending two weekends away from the apartment.
I was clear on how i felt about not sleeping under the same roof. But she had a whole different reasoning for it.

So its a Sunday afternoon she still hasn't come back, my mom calls and telling me how im messing my life up and shit like that... almost every time the folks and i talked over the phone it was how they dislike my situation for the first ten minutes of the conversation. i was fed up with it, my reasoning was well maybe they are right, i mean i haven't seen my girlfriend since Friday im tired of the constant uphill battle with the folks. ummm maybe her not being here this weekend again is her way of telling be out? [once i start thinking negative -it can be dangerous (to myself no one else)- there's is a wide window of manipulating me of what you want me to do. So im like what the hell im done with this uphill. Fine pick me up.

so the girlfriend gets home, im like how soon can you find a sitter? it was a clear understanding i was leaving. so i do. i leave. Before leaving she tells me "I've never been ashamed in my life till now, im not gay" i reply i know i kiss her lips and walk away with tears. [honestly that hurt so bad, it still stings today}

shortly after we meet up. we chit chat for about four hours. She tell me how confused she is, how her social group tries to convey her to change into them. How kissing a guy is different, and kissing a girl is more familiar. and such.
And i admit being with my ex-fiance is different too, even tho he knows what i like in bed its not the same, how i was actually bored while doing it the ex-fiance. dunno if i admitted it that i actually cried that night to her or not. cause all i did was think of her while with the ex- fiance.

it is six months later and it still hurts as if i left yesterday. i miss her so much. even tho the last thing she said to me when i left was "I've never been ashamed in my life till now, im not gay" i still love her.
She recently told me she might be moving if things don't work out in her favor. She is a single mother of two kids in a city with no family. So i understands her struggles.
I love her, and i would rather see her happy in her attempts for happiness. But i will admit it hurts like helll! it takes a lot not to kiss her hug her when i see her.
hell im more nervous to kiss her than the very first time i saw her!!! when i could say was "hi" not hello but a two letter word! "HI"

i want to work things out with her, but i want to do things different this time.
i want to be able to hold down a job be able to support myself. not depend on anyone. and be emotionally prepared well the most i can anyways. to not allow the folks make me feel guilty for my mother's health, and anything wrong that happens. like they did the first time. telling me it will be my fault if my mom passes away, and that they wont let me know if she passes away if im not with them.

i want to work things out with her again, but is it selfish of me for not letting her move on? i want to hold down a job and be able to take care of myself first..

i dunno why it bothers me that she cant say yes im gay or by or what ever...
she always said "im not gay my gf is.." and that hurt.

even tho we had our issues i still love her. and it hurts going to sleep knowing she is not my gf anymore. its been six months.yet it hurts like the very first night i walked away.

thanks, i really needed to rant... if you got to this i would really appreciated if you commented. =]


David_Kirkpatrick_61460
Posted

I know some of what you're feeling because I've been there. I loved my ex-partner so much that I could not stop thinking about him for a very long time after we parted. My people mate for life. Some days I would think about him all day. I could not imagine the rest of my life without him. I was always trying to figure out ways for us to get back together. Problem was that I needed him even more than I loved him--- and that really is a problem: when you become emotionally dependent on someone else, whether that person is good for you or not.

First thing, we don't actually 'need' the other person to survive and even to thrive. It feels like we do for a long while, maybe--- and, sometimes, even for a very long while. In my case, it took me years to realize that he wasn't the right person for me, and I wasn't the right person for him. It took me that long fully to understand that I could survive and thrive without him. He moved on long ago, and I decided that I, too, could find someone else out there. Don't believe that old nonsense about how there is only one true love out there for any of us: many people out there are good matches for us and us for them.

It just takes time..........

Get on with your life-- you are right to be thinking about doing something to find a job: that's important, too! Maybe you can take new classes: either to develop the education you have, or to take new training-- you're young enough to adapt-- or maybe just some courses for fun, like dancing or pottery or whatever. You know: develop your talents, while you look for that source of bread and butter..........

Just hang on 'til the scenery changes.

Sometimes, that really is all we can do. : )

Listen to supportive friends. Develop your friendships. Make new friends, too. Don't listen to the guilt-givers: your mother's health is her issue, not yours. Don't let anyone plant seeds in your mind that your being Gay is the reason for your mother's health reverses; I've been there, too: it's one of the OLDEST control mechanisms in the book. Only, with me, it wasn't my mother, it was my grandmother, who was the grand master of guilt ! : )) My family are not Catholics for nothing! : )

I got a new friend a few years ago-- or, rather, she found me, and she has been a great source of support; her name is Bessie, and she is my grey tabby. Animals can be more than just pets; they really can be our friends. I count her along with my human friends.

I am still looking for Mr. Right-- a man to love and by whom to be loved-- a man with whom to build a life, a marriage, together.

Each day literally brings new chances and opportunities for us to make our dreams come true.......... David


Tommy_Storey
Posted

Aye..yes i agree ,,,,,,,,,,,,


Karen_Wright
Posted

I totally agree too.......................


Juanis_San
Posted

Thanks, and yes my family is Roman Catholic old school Mexicans lol.

And when it comes to the ex. I love her, when we spend time together I wish time froze.

my family are extremely assess.... They get in my face because I don't go out, our because I do go out on my days off. Yet when I didn't stay with them they where still assess. I really don't understand them.

I want to run away from everything all the attitudes. I want to sleep next to the girl I love. And have the true acceptance by my folks.


Juanis_San
Posted

David, are you still friends with him?

I'm still friends with my ex fiancé.
Funny I liked him just enough to be with him, but hardly physically.

When it comes to her
I'm eager for her lips, her arms, her touch....

I was with my ex fiancé for four years and it didn't hurt nearly as much
I with her I was about two years, and it hurts way deeper.


Rachael_M._Clulee
Posted

Sometimes we have to accept that we aren't at the same place as someone else is--Sometimes we're waaay ahead of them--Sometimes we're waaay behind them--Nevertheless, We have to accept that we're in two different places in life and one of us has simply Outgrown the other!!! If we really wanna make things work with the other person, we have to stop taking them for granted and do our best to catch up to them--or we run the risk of losing them to their own personal development and/or advancement in their life or career!!! To expect things to stay the same and never change is not only selfish, its highly destructive and leads to feelings of Boredom or Resentment from the other person!!! Maybe they just got tired of always having to carry the load on their shoulders instead of sharing the load with you--since a relationship is supposed to be 50/50, right?


Rachael_M._Clulee
Posted

This is only my point of view from YEARS of being in relationships--with "Men"--who think that a woman shoud take care of them--usually bc they're too broke to take care of themselves--for whatever reason--either they have addictions, or they're sooo Mentally and Emotionally BENT that they just can't seem to get back on their feet again!!! Or they're just sooo LAZY, that they don't even want to!!!


Rachael_M._Clulee
Posted

(And people wonder why I'm still SINGLE!!!) Lol


Juanis_San
Posted

Wow some major thinking, guess I need to invest on a cuddle pillow for now lol
Do best thinking in cuddle mood lol



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