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Chud

Coming clean! - Gay Guys! <3

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Posted

Okay then, it's time you all knew, I don't know what has suddenly made me come out with this but I've been thinking a lot over these past few weeks, maybe it's because of the break up of my 6 month relationship, anyway, this is what I want to do, I may lose some friends on this site, maybe some respect from others, right then guys if you want to know about my dark past, read on, stick the kettle on, and give yourself some time to read this, it's going to be long, also one more thing, get some tissues, it's going to be emotional.

I was 12, and this is when attraction towards people first came into my mind, I always thought that a boy couldn't have a boyfriend and a girl couldn't have a girlfriend, I always thought things like that were wrong - being gay was sick in my eyes, I then started feeling an attraction to a boy in my class, that's when the hell broke loose, I didn't really have a boyfriend until January 2005 - Paul, my first boyfriend - my quiet daft little Paul - he always told me how much he loved me after being together for 4 months, he told me I was special to him, the only one he could ever love, and I loved him... But I never told, Until September, before getting on the train to go home he said 'I love you' and I replied with 'I know' he then stopped me and looked me in the eyes and said 'I really mean it, Rich, I love you with all my heart, you are the most important person in my world right now, without you I would be nothing, I would do anything to make you happy even if that is without me, you are my special guy, I have never loved anyone like I love you, Rich I do love you more than you would ever know!' and then for the first time in 8 months I said to him 'I love you too'
The next morning he was dead.
He committed Suicide, overdose, still don't know why, after his death I went off the rails, I drank heavily - I was now 13 - I then wanted to not be gay as I thought it brought nothing but badness and pain and wanted to be straight, I done everything I could to force myself into being straight, I went to a lot of house parties and got really badly drunk, then my feelings for boys seemed to grow stronger and I hated it, I tried to stay away from all the boys I fancied.
Then I met a boy I really liked and then I found out he was gay... You'd think I'd be happy, I was scared, scared that he'd find out about me being gay and tell everyone, so I hurt him, I attacked him and left him for dead... He survived but never told anyone, even tho he knew it was me, he stayed away from me and moved schools not long after, I then thought I knew how to get rid of them, by attacking all boy whom I fancied who were also gay, so all the gay guys I fancied would be attacked by me, I attacked about 5 boys over a period of 3 years.
When I turned 14 my behaviour turned more and more unpredictable, even I didn't know what I was going to do, I felt like a prisoner in my own body, not in control, things happened and I didn't realise I done it until it was over, being 14 puberty hit therefore sexual attraction became 100 times stronger, sexual attraction to boys in my case. I still wanted to be straight so I thought that everyone goes through this in puberty, all boys fancy boys and all girls fancy girls and the only way you become straight is to fight these feelings - was I wrong! - I thought I'd force these feelings away by having sex, with a girl - I hated it, I hated myself for what I done, I used her, she liked me and I used her, I felt sick of myself, sick of the world, of my life... of being alive.
I attempted suicide, used one of the sheets of my bed clothes and tied it to a door banister, the sheet ripped and I landed on my arse, so all I got was a sore backside, before 14 finished I attempted suicide one more time, same way as Paul I tried to overdose, I was just sick and sick for a few days. Then a few months before I turned 15 I fell on a wall and cracked 2 of my bottom ribs causing serious damage to my lungs, the bottom to left ribs snapped off the ends and punctured several air bags in my lungs causing me to cough up blood, I thought I was going to die, they then recovered them all, however, 3 air bags were too badly damaged and were recovered but are rather weak, a wire was tied onto the ribs at the bottom to support their recovery.
15 swung by, my behaviour was just shocking, I shocked myself at times, my drinking became more heavy - it's a wonder I didn't become an alcoholic! - I went around with the wrong crowd, a homophobic crowd, at a house party they set me up with a girl, and I had sex again with a 2nd girl, and again I hated it and felt sick of myself I went home and again I tried to kill myself, using solvents, but failed, I just got a bad nose and chest and gave up in the end.
Then I finally hit Rock Bottom I fell for another boy and he kissed me right before I attacked him, I was hurt that I hurt him and then realised I couldn't fight my feelings, I was gay and there was nothing I could do about it, I didn't want that life, so I decided to end it, I tried overdose again my 4th, final, and closest attempt of suicide, I took so much pills it was unreal, I was vomiting a lot - it gets a tad weird by here - I don't know what happened I may of been high but I remember hearing Paul's voice screaming 'STOP!' I just laid there and I remember seeing a bright light come down upon me, I felt relaxed and calm for the first time in years, I slept peacefully and calmly for 10 hours for the first time in 3 years, I don't know what happened but then I just had enough of fighting my feelings and just accepted the fact I was gay, I had enough of fighting what was evidently who I am, I'm gay and I had enough of fighting it, but before I could confidently be comfortable with it, I met someone named Dylan and had a Split Personality - there was kind, loving Dylan, and evil twisted Jam, yes he called himself Jam - one day when Dylan was in his Jam state of mind he dragged me to the kitchen and got a knife and cut my left arm, 4 times, after that I started cutting myself, a lot, I finally managed to get rid of Dylan and restart my life, no more self harming, no more denying myself and no more worry.
Then I came out at 17 and I had an incident of two boys one distracted me by asking me 'You're Richard? So you're gay then? Do you fancy me?' my reply was 'You're not lucky enough!' then someone from behind stabbed me in the upper right arm, the scar is still visible today, they both ran off obviously and I never saw them after that.

That's it... My dark past over and done with, I understand if you guys are freaked out with what I've said and I understand I may have lose respect from most if not all of you, I understand if you want to remove me from your friends list, but hey, this is my past, I'm not proud of what I done but I can't change it.


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Richard_Edwards
Posted

It's great that you acknowledge your past. There is an old saying - hurt people hurt people. You were in so much pain trying to fight your feelings that you hurt others. That is now behind you. I doubt you will ever do that again. I'm glad you survived to tell your story. One day it will help someone who is going through those feelings. Now is the time for you to love yourself and to forgive yourself for your past. When you are ready, try to volunteer with a gay organization to do good for gays to balance the negativity of the past.


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Posted

None of us have the right to judge you. No one does. Things done in the past are history. But they shape you today. You learn from your mistakes.
Which is a thing for me because in comparison, I haven't hurt another gay person before, but I have been hurt by one, many times before. Because they felt like you did.
To be on the receiving end, is hard to say whether its equal to the giving end. For I have never been on both sides.
But as we said, learn from this and it would a great help if you can reach out to others experiencing what you have.


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Dave_Mack
Posted

My Dear Richard, or as you prefer to be called CHUD. First off I think I speak for many when I say you have NOT lost a friend.. at least not me. In fact I think that by sharing your story here you might just save some one elses life.

Being gay as a teen is not easy. I know this all too well. We have so many things to deal with in our teen years. When puberty rears its head we are in an emotional place we never experienced. Being gay makes it all the harder. We hear so many negative things about being gay that we start to believe it. We try to deny who and what we are. In some cases its from society, in others religion, others heritage or family. It's no wonder the rate of gay teen suicide is as high as it is.

Let me assure you you have not lost me as a friend and you won't. We all have skelatons (sp??) in our past. You know mine. We all change as we get older. We see things with mature eyes. Just as we put away the toys we played with as kids for more adult toys our tastes in life change. You are who and what you are. Yes, from what you posted you did hurt some people in the past, and they hurt you. But the good thing is you are here to tell about it. And what you did was in the past. Leave it there. Focus on today and leave the past to history.

Your last line that you can't change the past it true. And no you are not proud of it but look at it this way. Today, this very minute is the start of the rest of your life. Give your self a chance to move on and above all forgive yourself. It takes a lot more effort to carry the old baggage than it does to leave it.

May I suggest you find someone near you that you trust. Gay or strate, male or female it makes no difference. Just someone you can talk to who will be a shoulder to lean on. We all at times need someone to confide in. On this I can say BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

So now I want you to begin to forgive yourself.... Let that 13 year old Chud fade away and be replaced by the man you are now. A good man who has been there for me when I needed a friend.... and others on here I won't mention by name.

Smile.... You are loved....

Your friend always..

Dave


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Posted

Well Rich, ur past sure cant be changed. Well i know the real Rich a bit more now. The greatest thing u ever did was Throw In The Towel and Accept u are Gay and u are who u are. Ur A Beautiful Human Being, Leave ur Past Behind u, and Start a Great New Life. Thank God For "Daft Little Paul" RIP. He's looking down on u now and Smiling. U wont loose any Friend's for Telling us the Real Rich and ur Past, if anything u will Attract More Friend's, I Wept Reading This Rich, and i can only Wish U All The Best In The Future.


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Jim_Bond
Posted

There is no one on this site that canpass judgement on you because we have ALL acted badly at the onset of our gay existence.
If you think you need to do something to "repent" for what you have done, why not try this:-
If possible, try to make contact with those whom you have hurt in the past and ask THEM to forgive you. Who knows, maybe among the boys you beat up and hurt physically, is someone who will be your best friend or even your partner.
I am asking that you add me as a friend but it is your decision to do so or not.
Best of luck in the future.


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Posted

Richard, thanks for sharing your story. You've certainly had a hell of a time and you'll get no judgement from me either. You'll find that you'll get though it with an understanding that not a lot of people have. Before I understood who I am I also tried to suicide and fortunately it didn't work. I say 'fortunately' because right now I'm 67 and I'm having a ball. I didn't come out until I was around 47. Weird eh? but that's just how life worked out for me. I was taught to despise the thought of being gay but in the era when I was growing up men were supposed to be hetero and show no emotions etc. etc. I had also been involved with a fundamentalist church and that was of NO help at all. I used to go into a rage of fury sometimes and break things. That was until I found out who I am and began to deal with my stuff in a better light. I had a beautiful male partner for around 12 years and it was the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life. It gave me confidence in who I am. That relationship ended but I'm ok with that.

You mention that you heard Paul's voice telling you to "STOP".
I realise that you may have other thoughts on this but I have always been interested in spirituality, not religion, but I do like to try to understand how things work. I follow spiritualist ideas these days and they are quite different from all that I had experienced in a fundamentalist church. The fact that you heard Paul's voice is of no surprise to me because as a spiritualist, I don't believe he is dead. He is in another form but he told you once how much you meant to him and I believe that he's keeping an eye on you for your safety. The bright light that you saw is of no real surprise either, I would suggest that Paul is looking out for you from where he now lives, and he's ok where he is. You experienced peace and calmness which goes hand in hand with that kind of experience. I can't tell you 'how' it all works but I do know that it works.

You will find that the experience you have had will be as a catalyst for you to build your life on and to help others with. Many of us here have had those catalytic times and we can now look back and see something of the purpose of them. If you want to drop me a line, I'd be only too happy to discuss it further with you.

Go well my friend and be the person you are. Live life and have fun at it.


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Carl_Gruel
Posted

Richard - I have just as much if not more respect for you as I always have. Talking about your past is one of the only ways to move past it and living you life to the fullest. I am proud of you for having the courage to tell your story. If there are people who unfriend you over this then they were not true friends in the first place.

Bravo my friend Bravo.


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Tristram_Goncalves
Posted

Hi Richard,

We have all made errors in life, especially when trying to figure it all out. Forgive yourself. I used liquor, speed and sex with girls to try to fit in and be normal. Something that my first two male lovers encouraged, we weren't fags, just bisexual. Substance use, violence and shame are all part of the process for those of us who are clueless qas to who and what we are. I even wound up up raising my children as a single dad, had terrible taste in women, not one with any maternal instincts. I was the oldest of eleven so I had the maternal instincts. I also have terrible taste in men. I always seem to wait until I find one who is particularly heinuos and then I fall deeply in love with them. Bad genes I think, noone in my family tree has ever been married just once. I was never married, it' the number one cause of divorce. I happily raised my six children on menial wages and jobs. I have grandchildrern now. I even have a little great-granddaughter named Theodora.

Give yourself a break, learn to accept the mistakes youmade in the past and live for the present. Check out my profile and see if you'd like to be friends, I love Dr. Who, i love Capt. Jack of Torchwood even more. I'd like to see where he hide that gun he shot Trini and Suzanna with, yabba-dabba-do, he's a sexy motherf.er.


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Homer_Bozarth
Posted

i will always be your friend no matter what Richard. i am glad that you had the courage to share that with us. i will not treat you any different my friend


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Posted

See Richard, no one here is going to judge you. No one is going to hate you. In fact, you have also gained a new friend, me. Like everyone, you have shown real courage to accept your past and use it as a way to make yourself in the present, and the future.
We all have skeletons, some more than others, but we don't have the right to judge you or anyone else. No one has the right.
We all have things hidden in our past, or even present.
I myself have things I don't feel I'll have the same courage as you to reveal to others. Even here. Some secrets I believe I should keep and take with me to my grave.

But you, bravo, you have my respect and admiration.


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David_Cloud
Posted

Dear Richard, I have always been drawn by your honesty and integrity, your love of your country (WALES!!!), the way you show your feelings and the importance with which I feel you hold both giving and receiving love.

Thank you for having the courage to tell us more about yourself. I am just really glad to be a friend and fellow traveller with you on this journey that we know as LIFE. David.


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WillEl
Posted

Ok Richard, normally I don't leave comments, but this time I have to say something here. We have to agree that the things you have done are very bad. If I heard some gay people were attacted, and one of them was almost died, I would want that bad guy in prison, for life.

On the other side, you have the courage to confessed, realized how wrong they were and regreated what you had done. You have earnd my forgiveness and respect because it's not an easy thing to do either. (You do realize that you may face legal charge for it, don't you?)

Most comments suggest that you should let the past go and never do such things again. I would only agree with the second half. If one forgets about the past, how he makes sure that he won't do it again? More important, isn't that unfair for those people he has hurt? Forgive oneself is the last stage when someone has done something wrong. The first thing to do is to make it up, to earn the victims' forgiveness (if possible). If I were you, I will try to find all the guys I have hurt, tell them how sorry I am, how much I liked them, and ask them what I can do to make them forgive me. To kill yourself is not considered as a make up. (If they want you to kill yourself to make it up, they are probably assholes who dont have a heart. You can't earn their forgiveness no matter what. So just ignore them then.)

After and only after that, you may forgive yourself. (Personally there are something I will never forgive myself though.) After and only after that, you may have the decision over your own life. But if one day you get depressed again, go do some volunteer work for the gay community or charity in general. Help the senors, people with disabilities or live in proverty. You will appreciate your life.

Last but not least: Forgive, but never forget!


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Posted

Hey Richard, your story is quite disturbing, and eerily familiar to me. I think many of us go through similar extremes in behaviour along the road to whatever place we wind up in. As someone who in their teens was as disturbed and perplexed as you've described, I must say the future for you is going to be awesome, provided you stick to your guns and be yourself, regardless of how much of a fuck-up that seems to others. In the end, after all, it is only you, from cradle to grave, so you must be comfortable with your own company. That has been my major life lesson...


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Drew_Higgs_Bouson
Posted

Richard mate I am really sorry for all the stuff you have been through. I was lucky and never had all that stress. I can see how you understood Dean and his problems so weel, and gave him so much help.

You are real brave to say all that stuff publically. You cant ever ignore your past, but you can deal with it. Well done mate, your a brave guy


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Kynan_Wilkes
Posted

Wow... that was so moving... I feel so sorry for you... I'm not here to judge you and I don't think most people are on here to judge you... The past is the past and we are nearly always ashamed of it... I know I am of mine but if anything I respect you for being able to tell it and coming through those horrific times!! Basically... I LOVE YOU!! You are a fucking inspiration!!!


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Posted

I know how you feel Chud. You struck out, and I shut down. I only tried the suicide bit once. I was lucky as I failed like you, but then I had you to help and give me strength and hope.

I am very very ashamed of things I have done in my past and was forced to do. Like Drew says you cannot change the past and it will always be with you, but you can use it to help you be a better person, and you really have done that CHud. You are an AMAZING guy and a really great friend and I am honoured and thankful for all you have done for me. You have done far more good than you ever did bad so now you have admitted your past learn from it. Henry Ford said that those who did not learn from history were doomed to repeat it.

Thanks for being an amazing wonderful guy Chud
xx


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RompinRick
Posted

Don't ever feel alone, God loves you.


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Posted

It took great courage to publish your story in a public forum, Richard. By doing so, it will undoubtedly help other young people who find themselves in similar circumstances.

In fact, it typifies your wonderful new attitude to others; a complete turnaround from your "old ways", and proof, if proof were needed, that your true nature is one of goodness and empathy.

Hard though things are for you at the moment, I know you will come through this sad time, and emerge stronger for it, just as you have helped others to do.

We all do things in our youth which we later regret. The best we can hope for is to learn sufficiently from them to grow into better people, and maybe to help others to avoid our mistakes. You have done that, and should take pride in your accomplishment.


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Heebie999
Posted

Richard,
Step 1 is acknowledge that you did things that you now regret.
Step 2 is FORGIVE YOURSELF

You can't spend your whole life looking back on things that you did and thinking that it's you that did them.
The person that did those things no longer exists, because you've moved on from being that person.

The type of behaviour you talk about, the violence, is actually very common among DEEPLY closeted gays who have a self-hatred. The one that stabbed you, was probably doing exactly the same thing you had done to others.

Never forget the lessons you learned from being that person, but always remember, you can CHOOSE to be the person you want to be.
You may still get dark feelings etc... probably a lot less often because you're healing. You can CHOOSE to set those feeling aside, and CHOOSE not to act on them.
The actions you choose to take, as well as those you choose not to take, are what really makes up whom you are going forward. You are not defined moment-to-moment by the things you have done in the past.

I'm sorry to hear about your first BF. That was truly tragic, and I hope you can now move on from all that.


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Drew_Higgs_Bouson
Posted

I would have hoped you would know you were not alone and that you had friends who cared for you a lot, but maybe we did not say it strong enough.

Please get strong again Richard and if you need to then call.


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