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Juanis_San

ok, can i get some comments. - The Rainbow Lounge

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Juanis_San
Posted

ok i was with my girlfriend for almost two years. (we lived together for two years)
we had our issues but almost always they were workable...
then i did the foolish thing of opening her email although i didnt read it trust was broken.

there is a 5 yr diference, and we come from completly diffrent paths [walks] of life.

i went from having no responsibility, from being a kid myself to a parent of two adorable kids.

my girlfriend or ex girlfriend dunno what we are now
she left her hometown in MI and moved to Tx,
left familly, friends and her world to the middle of no-where

my family never approved of my lifestyle, mom would always nag at me.
there is no real pleasing my family wether im with a guy or not...
and they use my mothers health as a emotional guilt. as if i leave [again] it will be my fault she dies or has a stroke or whatever bad happens. when i was with my girlfriend my mom told me ''when i die if you are not ten feet from me i have already told your dad not to notify you''. you have no mom and stuff like that...
so whenever i called my mom i would have to hear this from her everytime i called and it gets tiring to hear that everytime when getting in contact with the folks.

so my girl and i had some issues and it was getting out of hand... i was brought up couples sleep in the same room and would come home everynight. guess that was another diffrence we had, are issues would mainly be our diffrences. so she would leave to go visit her friend all day long and not come home till weee hours of the night if she decided to show up, then it became weekends at a time.... so at this point its like why even fight and argue with my folks over my relationship w/my girl if she is not even home... so i gave up and caved in to my folks and when the girlfriend showed up sunday evening i asked how soon can you get a babysitter. and it was an understandment i was walking out.

i know i did wrong in the course of the relationship but the thing is i dunno what i really did and when i ask her she never answers me w/a straight answer. i went from no responsibility to taken care of two kids making daycare payments, and her car payments helping cover rent, and other expenses.

when i walked out it was hard but i did ask to come back home that same day and she said no and so on...

so i was trying to find myself again....


maybe a month or two she contacts me [i never stoppped sending her "hope you have a nice day, or have a nice one" daily text. w/no reply]

saying this and that...
like there is this guy who according to her is the same replica of me in a male body. she tried it with him but it didnt feel right she kissed a girl and it felt a bit more right and etc. when i walked out she told me "i am not gay and i am shame of my actions" ... so she is going through sexual identity problems?

so we start talkig back and forth. she kissed me and she said it felt right... but im not sure anymore like i went to go visit her and once again she was at the friends house, i was in the parkinglot of her apartment waiting. knowing she is not going to show up for atleast 45more mins, so i go buy some drinks and i start drinking and so do hours pass, then i kid to myself wow things dont change i wait alone while she is out....

my fellings for her havent changed, but i dont think i can trust her like i did before. like do i try it again and say fuck it to my family once again and try it out with the girl again? or stop this?

when ever i try asking stuff about us, it looks like i hurt her and she gets fustrated..... and that fustrates me back. how do i know what i did wrong so i can try to change it or so for my next relationhip or for and if we do get back together....

i know i tried to change myself for her... my attitude, my way of being, allowing things to slide, look over things...


guess i want some attention? did i leave the pressure get to me?
or do i feel guilty? i dunno whats going on... and i dont have the option of talking out with th folks, or her cause then she gets upset....

she says she loves me and didnt cheat in the course of our relationship.
i know i didnt either...

sigh dunno what to do. feel like i cant talk to anyone right now... plus i have other family dramma,,, recently told my family my older cousin use to rape me as a child, so im being blamed for thta and my grandmother's health and the whole dramma that has caused. i feel like a fish with limited supply of water.

sorry just noticed its long, thank you if you took the time to read all this nonsense.


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Posted

going on Personal experiences ( going through pretty much the same thing ) you need to GIVE UP on here since she did Nothing but USE YOU and as far as the Family thing Sounds like you need to find a new one I always told my Family that If they couldn't accept me the way I am then I DID NOT Need them in my Life after a few years of Not being in contact with them they Finally Learned that I wasn't Kidding and now they Totally Accept the fact that I am Gay ......... even my Homophobe Brothers have come to accept my Partner and now actually look differently on gays as a whole ........ they are Not totally Protective of me see I Refused to let their telling me things like your family are telling you as far as dying and being your fault anyway Hope this is at least a Little helpful for ya ................. xoxoxo .............. Good Luck no matter what your choices are ............ follow your heart .................. Tom


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Flash632
Posted

Hi Juanis, I agree with Thomas, that your girlfriend used you by abusing your time for her own needs, not respecting your need to have her around more. She apparently is not ready for the responsibility of having Children.

Family is another area all together different. We all need our Families, we need their love, their respect and understaning, we need Family to affirm us in who we are as persons, as Gay persons. Certainly if a family member is of ill or infirm health and we are available and have the time to help, we should take the responsibility to do that. However, we do have our own lives to live and Family members should respect our time and privacy. You can do both, you can help your family and have your own life too separate from family, it just takes a little planning on your part. I hope this helps? Patrick


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Juanis_San
Posted

My dad tries his best to talk to me, my brother he has a bad car of homophobia. Mom is worse..... Old style Mexicans and Roman Catholic traditions. I'm the first gay of the family.....
And the emotional guilt its so overwhelming from the folks. When it comes to the girlfriend I Dunno what we are right now... Couple or friends with benefits? Friends?
Wish I knew, or at least be able to run away from everything and everyone for a while. With out the emotional baggage.


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Hi Juanis,

Wow! How sad for you, but my suggestion is your girlfriend or ex girlfriend is taking advantage of your responsible nature. As far as your family is concerned, let them know how it truly bothers you the guilt routine they manipulate into the situation. The hardest thing to do in life is sit back re evaluate the whole situation, write everything down, and EFFECTIVELY WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR FAMILY. It is better to write it down and e-mail them so no one can argue defensively. This allows them time to humble their wrong doings, and it also allows you time to think about what you deserve and prefer when it comes to family discussions, your own actions, thoughts etc. I really can only speak for myself, but to soul search, analyzing all conversations, how we feel and think is so helpful. We can always change ourselves, but we cannot change other people, places and things. Were all human and once again, so many people feel they are righteous, but their not.

My suggestion is not one person deserves to sit around and wait for another person to find out if they are gay or straight and disrespect you in the process. Please know this when people like you and i come from a dysfunctional family, we always gravitate to that same type of dysfunction and trust me you do not need it.

Start making some changes in your life, effectively communicate to your ex lover that you need other types of relationships in your life that do not include her. Furthermore, the one that will be the hardest is your family. Just know it is okay to keep a distance from your family, but to tell them that their manipulative ways wont work with you anymore, and if your going to talk with me, please do it effectively without arguing or throwing the guilt around.

Life is so short. It had taken me years, to realize that my family was my worst enemy, but i no longer allow them to push my buttons, I pray fro them to be human one day, and stop the bull shit, and hopefully that day will come. I have friends and a wonderful dog, who is my companion and to be honest i really do not need more than that, but you look young and you will face many trials and tribulations in life, but it is how you react to those situations that make you who you are. anyone can change their behavior patterns, attitudes and make life so much better, if they take the time to really look at the whole entire scenario. I pray that you find it within your heart to be expressive verses any negative reactions, but know it is okay, we are all human and get upset, laugh, love, cry, and hurt.

One more thing, I am saying this because if it was not for having God in my life, i do not know where i would be today. I depend so much on God, he is my pilot.

However, I have come a long way, I use to get upset at how selfish, irresponsible, mean, or inconsiderate people can be. It all comes back to I cannot change them, I can only change myself. If i decide not to be around others, who have a lot of hate, bitter, negative discussions, gossip about everyone, and are true manipulators or have ulterior motives that is my choice. However, I do not associate with these types of people and trust me when i say I feel more serene and happy not entertaining these types of people, who are so lost. However, i will always pray for them and hope for the best, but for me i cannot be around them. so who we choose to be around also says a lot about ourselves.

Write down the things that bothers you about others, then write down what you can change about yourself to either effectively approach them or if they are causing such grief and harm upon you, ask yourself why do you feel you deserve that type of grief or harm, because no one does. I am not saying to run away from everyone, i am just saying please step back analyze the situation and speak your true mind and heart. do not worry about what others think, it takes people many years to be truly honest with themselves.

Honesty is always the best policy in everything we do, but we must also be honest with ourselves. I hope this helps you in some ways.

I am forty-six and have seen so much in life, now i just enjoy the beauty within and I look for the good in people, but I do know about the reality of this world and our society.

Juanis, I really wish you well and i would love to know that you will take time to re evaluate all these actions, feelings, and thoughts. There will be someone out their for you that will show you true love, but please do not just settle for anything less than what you truly deserve. We all have a purpose and a destiny, and if you pray and talk with God you will find what your purpose and destiny is and sometimes we might think we know, but only God knows.

Another suggestion is always treat people how you want to be treated, and never judge anyone until you have walked in their same moccasins. We all have a story to tell.

Good luck honey,
I hope you search for peace and serenity in your life,

Eydie


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First off do not feel guilty for being raped my grandfather abused me every summer for 10 years and i felt guilty and shameful and i thought i must have done something to have deserved and wondered what was wrong with me and the the truth is there is no guilt and no shame and there is nothing wrong with you you were just at the mercy of a sick sick bastard If your family thinks you should feel guilty for bein a victim then fuck them they dont deserve to be your family Make a new one thats what i did and eventually my family came around but until they did i had nothing to do with them And as far as the girlfriend you went above and beyond and it still wasnt enough and i agree with the others that she was using you and your caring nature so she could go play You deserve better


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Juanis_San
Posted

Thanks, seems like I have some home work. They the folks and her say they want me happy and etc yet I feel trapped. Didn't think anyone would read this, i'm surprised and grateful. Thanks again.


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My ex took advantage of me as well and I just thought i was doing everything i needed to to make the relationship work. I love her with all my heart but I deserve better so I'm moving on. If she doesnt want to spend time with you without you making an issue about her being w her friend(s) all the time that should show you how she feels...she doesn't necessarily wanna walk away completely bc of everything you do for her.
I dont know about your families heritage and beliefs but my mother completely started blaming herself and asking what did she do wrong in raising me bc loving a woman is a sin to her...I told her i thought she raised me perfectly bc i believe that I can love who ever I want without discrimination bc of sex, race, age, etc.
She has since changed her Outlook and realizes this is about me and my decisions not anything to do with her. I didn't fall in love w my ex bc she was female, I fell in love w her bc of how she made me feel when we were together and how I enjoyed life w her. Things just changed and I am not going to let her take advantage of me anymore.

Good luck and anytime you need to talk, vent or just whatever...feel free!


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Juanis_San
Posted

Funny how karma works, the male replica of me according to her friend and her self. She moved him in shortly of me walking out. Bought him clothes and clippers in exchange for baby sitting. They tried the physical relationship and got awkward and what ever....
When I walked out I took less of what I came into the relationship and etc... My replica took more than what he came into in less than two months.


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Hi Juanis,

Please do not focus on being trapped. You do have the strength to walk away. All your life you easily were submissive to others, and being raped and confessing that to your family is so courageous, but do not allow your family to make you feel guilty because your cousin raped you as a child. You are dealing with three betrayals and i suggest going to a local support group in your area. IT is so helpful. I was molested at the age of ten and drank my pain away. I am happy to say i do not drink alcohol to escape my problems anymore. I will tell you that it was the best thing for me to seek counseling for the situations i went through. There are people in this world that do care and want to help you find yourself and how to prevent you from gravitating to future dysfunction. I cannot mention much about your family at this moment, but to say to you, you are not their puppet they can control by the pull of a string. Please if you truly want to feel happy, serene, and unconditional love seek a support group for women who have been abused or raped. You can call your state or local county DEFACS office for a listing or go on the website and look up support groups. Many women and men attend these groups. I will say support groups and many people helped me tremendously. The best thing i can tell you at this time, is to be selfish, but it is a good selfish. Keep your distance from your family, you do not need the added emotional abuse or pressure from them at all.

Start to know Juanis and learn how to deal with the lost souls of this world, whos only purpose it to cause misery on others. There are many people in this world, who live just for that because they hate themselves so much they do not want to see anyone else happy.

You taking a stand against your family is not something they want to see, so now that you have grown some confidence to talk and confront situations they will still try to hold the power and your to sweet to really get angry, but it is probably what you need to do.

Keep that confidence and strength and walk forward without any distractions, it is time for you now. Trust me i was a huge people pleaser many years ago. Today, I please myself first, but i am very generous and that is just who i am. I cannot change that about myself. I will always help someone in need, but i do not allow people to take advantage of me anymore. Trust me once your family see's this from your actions. They will no they no longer control the puppet.

Our actions speak louder than words please remember that always. Just like other people's actions speak louder than words. You are a smart woman start analyzing the circumstances and love yourself. I will repeat that "LOVE YOURSELF FIRST" . Set boundaries and limitations always with people. Listen, just like you I paid all the bills, stayed at home many nights by myself, while my ex-lover of sixteen years was having fun at the bars hanging out with the man she was in love with for eight years. I was so blind, but now i see. I have had two relationships my entire life. One with a woman for 4 years, and the other with a woman for 16-1/2 years. I am forty six years old and i still learn something new everyday. I no longer want to be in a relationship with anyone, but i enjoy my friends and I love my little boy, who is a 9 month old Terrier.

Juanis, it took me many years to get where i am today and like i said, I am still learning as I walk my journey here on earth, but one thing never ever surprises me, because i see people as human and I would not ever again put any human being on a pedestal again, as I did in my very first relationship at 19 years of age.. There is only one spirit on my Pedestal and that is God, whom i trust, depend upon, and love so much.

I am not religious, but i am spiritual and enjoy this spiritual growth.
I do not want to see you go through the many years, i did allowing people to walk all over me. I never once would get on a forum such as this and talk about my problems. My pride and ego was to large for that, but I admire the strength in you for doing what i could not do years ago.

You did the first and most important step, was to ask for help and many of us in this group are here for you. I am proud of you for taking this step and revealing your pain, not truly acknowledging that you would get any feedback. But, you have received some great advice, now it is your turn to make a decision for "YOU".

Best Wishes to you always Juanis.

LOL,
Eydie


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Juanis_San
Posted

Yes, I am shocked of all the replies. And that i'm not the only one.

I really fell in love with her, like I did and tried so many things for her. To please her and make it her happy.
And well I have a soft spot for her. I dunno how to explain it...

Like I realize what goes on, but I don't accept it?


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Posted

Its hard to accept it when youre still in love with the person i know its impossible to think of a time when you wont have feelings for her but they will fade in time it does get better


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Hi,

JUANIS,

Jennifer is correct and if she was your first love, it is even harder, but please be around other people. Please do not isolate yourself from friends. Be around positive influencing friends who will console you, when your sad. Hugs are so great


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Juanis_San
Posted

She was/is my first love. And I did isolate myself from everywhere ibut that's not unusual for me. I distant myself from many just because its Tuesday. I am against the wall. Like I am employed but I can't survive of my paycheck so moving out again ain't a real option.


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Juanis,

That is okay that you have isolated yourself, but please try and be around other people or go to support groups for the issues I talked about earlier with you. You will meet some really nice people.I never once informed you to move out of your home. I read your comment where you stated your ex-girlfriend tried it with your replica, and moved him in immediately after you to broke up. That should tell you that she really did not care for you and took advantage of your kind heart and generosity. Believe me when i say, there is another woman for you later down the road, but you do not need to focus on rebounding at all at this time just to fill the painful void of loss. Please start healing yourself emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. I really cannot express that enough. The only thing i can tell you from my own experience is, the best thing i ever did in my life was look within. There is a song written by Cris Williamson called "Look Within". Actually if you want to listen to great spiritual, loving, lesbian music that is good for the soul, heart, and body purchase Carneige Hall CD by Cris Williamson/Meg Christian. This music is before your time, but they are great musicians, who wrote every song they ever sung and performed.

Many of us older lesbians know Cris Williamson/Meg Christian, Holly Near, Tret Fure etc

They sing about life experiences as a Lesbian and about their current or past relationships, as well as the struggles they went through in life and how they overcame many obstacles put in their path. Soaring is another great song, but look within is one of my favorites. Well all their songs all my favorites. I still listen to their music all the time.

Cris Williamson is my favorite music artist in the world. I truly love her. She is so inspiring to the Gay Community.

Once again, I hope this helps you. I really do not want to see you continue the pattern of finding the wrong women, because their are many out their that will just take you for a ride if you keep allowing it. As I mentioned before, it depends on you. When you say enough is enough and sincerely mean it, is when you start loving yourself. Not one person on this earth could truly love another person unconditionally without first loving themselves. Please think about this is all i ask you to do. Life is what we make it and this saying is very deep when you analyzed each sector of circumstances, life, love, work, spiritual beliefs etc.

God Bless & I wish only the best for you,

LOL,
Eydie


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Juanis_San
Posted

Eydie thanks, honestly thanks I really appreciate your comments.


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Flash632
Posted

Juanis, I'm not sure what you mean by "Tuesday". I DO understand being in love for the first time, what that feels like and how important that has been for your self-esteem. But you need to let go for awhile and take "Eydie's" advice and not isolate yourself from other friends or people who can be a support for you. Love, Patrick


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Juanis_San
Posted

Patric "Tuesday" its just because... Like I'll distant myself just because no real reason. I find it difficult to trust ppl and when I do well you can imagine. Seems when ever I do consider ppl friends I'll pull away because of fear of getting close or hurt. And yes I do agree with Eydie but easier said than done.


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I understand "Tuesday" and i understand your need to pull away Iv been there You trust people and let them in and they break your trust and betray you and youre not sure you wanna let anyone in again at all but a life lived in fear is a life half lived To be loved by someone you must be strong enough to be vulnerable and let them love you in return Its a hard lesson and to be honest im still workin on it myself Trust is so so hard but so worth the effort


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Flash632
Posted

Hi Juanis, So Tuesday for you referrs to pulling away from 'ppl'? Not sure what ppl means, people perhaps? Jennifer is correct in that once we've been 'burned' by a lover or a friend, it's harder to get reconnected again with someone else. This happens to everyone at some point in their life. I know I've been burned and probably Jennifer has been burned. But, you can 'hang low' for awhile until you feel comfortable to try to make a new connection. You need a little 'down time' to cry some and let the hurt out. Don't be in a hurry to start with someone right away. And it is a matter of Trust and trust take time to develope. Patrick


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Juanis_San
Posted

yes ppl is jargon (abbreviation) for people and yes you got my meaning of just because its Tuesday....

And yeah, guess i'm having a dutifully accepting the reality since I completely opened up to her. Like I opened my heart, soul and trust. Something I never do with anyone. And yes that included family.
Part of me still wishes for this not to be true, for a better explanation.
Kinda like that saying don't do good things that appear bad...

Maybe love has and keeps blinding me


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Michelle_Jamieson
Posted

It takes so much time, effort and energy to share all your 'shit' with somebody. It can take so long to find somebody who seems worth it. I know, To have all that ripped apart is beyond gutting. But be able to share youself so wholley is a great thing. You must never loose your kind nature but try gain the ability to be the person you are; whilst protecting yourself from what i call 'vultures' who take advantage of the way you are. You can't/should'nt change who you are. Do not let the bad eggs change you x


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Michelle_Jamieson
Posted

I over-used rather repetitvely, the word 'change' there. Almost seems like i was actually subliminally telling you to change. Was not! Sorry. Heh!


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DyAnn_Sirrah
Posted

Hi everyone I'm the "ex"
I feel i'm painted to be the bad guy unfairly so here is my rebuttal.

~ yes I moved from Michigan from Texas (never left battle creek mi before I fell for her and started ever giving up everything even all my baby pictures

~ there is a 5 year difference but I always told her to go hang out and when she was going out on dates with old coworkers and hanging out all night talking about feeling to a guy before I had a friend I never douted her

~I miss my family and so do my 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter
~ my son in which she discribes getting a suck feeling getting close to

~ since I miss my family I dove into hers trying to learn the langue trying new foods cooking for get togethers i'm the girlfriend the smiled but I say the looks and at my kids too the tried to fit in my don being the joke

~ they told her they would rather her date a homeless guy then me

I had a full time job
She kept my money and spent it how it was needed for the most
My friend that was such an issue has give kids that took mine in and call them cousin
The weekend I spent over there I invited her, I was moving this single mother of five with no vehicle with my van and was running low on gas texting the whole time until she went clubbing

Now the "replica"was the only make around my son who father disowned him and been a friend for the year I have known him and never over stepped things he let me know how he felt but respected boudrys

When she left he was the only person who would help he was jobless depressed and yes I spent money in him and moved him in it felt good to see a friend smile I gave up making her smile when I got her a baby Jesus because she missed her religion and she tossed it aside like it took no effort to walk into a Mexican bizzar not speaking Spanish and buy anything u felt stupid

Yes I tried to sleep with him shut can have the one I want she trys to leave every three months misewell go to what I know but he couldn't get his duck island honestly I was releaved

She never mentioned in the same time span she ducked her ex fiancé and i'm the one that bout the pregnancy test and stood outside the gas station bathroom door
My biggest fear is being left and every 3 months I was faced either her telling me to go find someone else
My friend that was such an issue always invited her too
The kids smiled and played
When she went to Mexico and we were homeless that friend put a roof over my kids as I worked sun up to sun down to find a place were she wouldn't have to be too close to my son
The she had to make her family happy before coming home
Her upidy attitude scared plenty away
I moved replica in to help with the kids on a seconds notice and he got it twisted and ducked me over
I tried to get get to go out the last six months I was the only income while we we driving or eating out I was thinking about the cost she was thinking about getting out even thought she was yelling at the kids all the time


Now the day she mentioned the she realized nothing has changed...
She texted around 7 after we worked all night asking what I was doing I told her I was at that friends house we are running low on food she's cooking we are gonna eat the home it's Sunday there's school for the kids and work in the am for me

She says she us already at my place
my friend tells me to tell her to come over to and she declines
Saying that she is on her way home she's leaving me cigarettes
I say you want me to call when i'm home she says do what you want
I said ok take a nap eat stalked the babysitter down and drives way out to get him arriving home around midnight to find her sitting in a off vehicle drinking chain smoking popping pills all on a empty stomach fatigued
I nudged her and she could barely stand
I had to force he in the car and drive her home as she begged me for whatever prescription pills I too from her.
All this in front of the kids the adore her

I do not believe either one of us is the bad guy and I do not alow anyone to paint her as such even when she's loosing my mail from old friends and going reading my emails talking about my son gives her a bad feeling, and she doesn't like black people...i'm black

I feel we jst didn't work and sometimes love doesn't fix everything

Even though she begged to help and offered and I said no and caved i'm the user

Don't be with me expecting change we are totally different and I love her for it
So there is the other side of the story

I will be a user no more and I will not hold her back I love her from the cute way we use to wrap our feet when we slept to how she rubs her eyes with the back of her hand like a child

I now get up by 5am to work from 7am-6pm Monday thru Thursday the go to my second Thursday thru Sunday 10pm-6am mainly so see you
I will not be the one holding you back
Take me how I am and stop punishing me for past mistakes or give me my ring back and be done we can be friends lovers might not work

I would appreciate input what do I do?


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