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Esteffan_Rye_Rosero

What does this mean?.. - Gay Guys! <3

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Posted

Whether I'm allowed to speak my feelings out here freely or not, I want to know.

But my entire life...from when I was able to understand what I was feeling, which was around the age of 11-12, I felt different. Different than how my brothers were. Different than my family. Even to this day, I could not establish a connection with my parents, or my family for that matter.
My parents are catholic, my mother being the enforcer of the family religion. But when I was growing up, even when I started discovering my differences, I still followed my family to church. But it never meant anything for me, anything useful. I went to church until the age of 15, where I renounced my religion and left the church forever. But I may get to the reasons why I left the church of god, maybe.
But when I was going to church, my family unaware of what I was, my brothers made gay jokes, using insults that were gay related. My two older brothers were about the same age and grade in high school at the time. Sophomore and junior, both in the athletics program. Well known, and popular with the "in-crowd". Their lives seemingly flawless and perfect. Not once did my parents ever get angry for their choices and actions in life or school. My parents loved them more than they ever loved me. Years later, around the age of 14, when my parents found out my sexuality through my second oldest brother, who learned through his last year of high school with me as a freshman in the same school, all that changed. Not for the better. My mother's first response was "Why are you choosing this lifestyle? Why do you want be a homosexual? What about all the things we taught you while we went to church every Sunday?". Along with her reaction, she was angry, her eyes didn't have any sadness, just anger. I knew how to tell her emotions and her eyes while I grew up. I could feel it, deep down, I could feel she was furious at me. My father was upset at the least, but he's very hidden about his feelings, my mother was the more to show her emotions uncontrollably. She always showed her true feelings, she never sugar coated anything. Which was often why I could never talk to her about anything deeply personal, not even after she found out my secret. Well, in the end of the conversation, it ended abruptly, with my father trying to hold my mother back from trying to hit me. The conversation lasted afternoon after school, it ended past 10 at night, and when my mother was restrained by my father from trying to hit me, I was shocked. I couldn't believe my mother would want to assault me like that. As my father removed my mother from the living room, he looked at me with disgust, and told me it was best if I leave.
I looked at him, my brothers didn't look at me in the eye as I got up from the couch and headed for the front door. It was two days before my birthday no less, so it was winter cold in Connecticut. I left the house that night and I didn't return for more than 3/4 of a year. I only came back because the authorities told me I had to. While I left home during that time, I didn't have anywhere to go, I didn't have relatives in my state. I just kept wandering but I rather not go into detail about the first time of my travels into the world without anyone I knew around. It's a past that bore the first of many scars to come.
Needless to say, my parents were not happy about me coming back. Everything changed. My mother and father never talked to me normally anymore as they did in the past. My mother has a hint of anger and resentment whenever she talks to me. She told me days after I came back the first time, that she will never accept me. My father told me I was his embarrassment to the eyes of his side of the family. Never once before had he felt an embarrassment before me, one of his own sons. He told me this several times throughout my life till now. He was never known to lie or exaggerate.
To hear him say that, along with everything else, I felt fully disconnected from my own family. I felt like all ties with them were irreversibly severed without repair. The rest of my high school life was the same. I kept to myself. Went to school, came home, did my homework, ate dinner in silence of my room and repeated the same thing the next day until the day I graduated high school. My own parents did not even attend my graduation. I went alone. Borrowing a ride from a teacher I knew. When I became of legal age of 18, after a few months after I graduated, I decided to take my chances out in the world, knowing my continuing stay at my own home was no longer an option. For years it was not a place of zen, in actuality, it was the opposite.
For years after that night when my parents found out and everything changed, I never spoke of this to anyone, never confided in anyone. I kept it all to myself. I didn't try to dwell on my past, but it was a bunch of reoccurring memories in my life that kept coming back no matter what. Even when I go out in public, such as the mall, or just anywhere, whenever I saw a family, whether it was young kids, or teenagers or adults with their parents. I couldn't help having those memories of my family plague my mind. How much I knew they hated me. Not once did they contact me when I left those years ago. I wondered if it was my fault that I didn't contact them first. Was I supposed to?

Even now, after all those years, amongst all of that and things I haven't told any of you, I never found anyone to try to get close to. No relationships or crush. And when I found myself looking at other guys, whether gay or not, I turned away, I still feel like I hated myself. Over the things I like. But I know its not something I could change. But regardless, I still had hate for myself.

What does this mean?

Why do I hate myself and yet accept I cannot change something I know is a part of me?

When you cannot feel like you're worth anyone's time or worth of interest, or when you feel like you're not worth anyone's love?


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Posted

I know there are others out there, others who have experienced far worse with their families, and I'm not deeming mine to be more painful than others. I would never deem that. Sadly my experiences did not just stay with my family, but with encounters in the outside world, even some in my hometown. But I do not feel I should reveal that here.


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Timothy_Brown
Posted

Hi Sweetheart, I truly feel for you! I am so sorry that the Christianity of your parents is so horribly conservative. My mother (a single mother) is very right wing Christian. I am an only child. Luckily, I never doubted that she loved me. I am quite fortunate for that reason and for the fact that my mother's family are very accepting. My 89 year old grandmother accepts the fact that my cousin is a lesbian and lives with her girlfriend.

I think that you are a very attractive young man. You seem very intelligent and I think you have a lot going for you. I encourage to try to ignore your feelings of insecurity. I do not think that you should have any reason to feel guilty or ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. There is a very helpful gay Christian group on here and I believe a group for Catholics. I think you should check them out.

I wish you the best my friend and please feel free to keep in touch if you would like...
Timothy Ray Brown (aka The Berlin Patient - I encourage you to Google me)


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Posted

Thanks Timothy.

Although I withdrew from the catholic religion and mainly religions in general. I do not find comfort in them. Just memories flashbacks.


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Posted

I have looked your name up, and Im shocked that someone so important replied to my experiences. Which has no where near compare to the experiences you have. May I ask?

Why me? I'm sure I'm not the only one you replied to, but still, why me?


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Posted

First thing, Their hate has become your hate. Let it go. I know that sounds simple, but until you do, you're never going to be able to move on, enjoy who you are, or enjoy life. It is their hate, leave it back with them. I know of what you speak, but it wasn't until I left it with my family, I was as you were. I believe that the people you grow up with aren't necessarily your "True family." You go through life meeting your "True family." It made leaving all that hate behind. I miss the people I grew up with, but I enjoy who I am. I'm stronger, happier, and the only ones who really lost are those who chose to leave. You never left them, they left you, so give them back their hate. You've carried it long enough. Let it go. Free yourself of their burden and begin again. I know you can do it. You are stronger than you think and you finally deserve happiness, but the only one who can get you there is you. Once you begin, I promise it will all fall into place.


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Dave_Mack
Posted

My Dear Esteffan, I read every word you wrote in all your posts. Let me assure you that you are a fine person. Your family, sadly are typical right wing religious crazies. I too am Catholic but attend a very open and accpting catholic church in Boston. While they are not all that common if you want to find spirituality trust me its out there.

Now with regard to your family I see it as THEIR problem. You didnt make a CHOICE to be gay. I know of no one who woke up one morning and said HEY I THINK I'LL BE GAY! Nor do I know one who decided to be straight. We are who we are. To so many people being gay is all about SEX SEX SEX. They can't see there is an emotional side. They can't bring themselves to understand that there IS love between two people of the same sex.

One day your family WILL need you. As hard as this may be I urge you to forgive them their bigotry. Their hatred is from ignorance. Its cultural in many ways. What they have to come to the realization of is you are still the same person they brought into the world, the same one they fed clothed and loved as a little boy into adolescence. Nothing changed. You just didn't meet their expectations.

Do keep in touch. Drop me a line. I would be more than happy to talk with you and give you some advice.

Good luck.... and I will pray for you and your family. Somehow I see this being fixed.. Not sure how but I see it...

Dave


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Mackenzie305
Posted

Hi Esteffan, I read your story. I can relate to your situation, I came to a very conservative family. We are all Christians. After 17 years of being a christian I feel very helpless and uncomfortable with my religion and myself. I never told them that I am a Gay. I know that they wont accept that especially that there are no Gays in our clan. I was never been baptized until now. I never went again to church with them. Now I'm a catholic and member of Metropolitan Community Church of the Philippines(MCCPh)- it is a church for the LGBT members. I'm happy with the chosen path that I made, at last I'm "FREE". I told them that I'm a Gay. They already knew from the start that I am a Gay and they just waiting to me to tell them the truth. I thought they wont accept me but they did accept me for who and what I am. But they told me to be discreet and not too effeminate but that was fine with me.

Well, about your situation, it's not your fault if you are Gay? Your family should not be angry at you but instead to support and understand and accept you for who you are. You should not be ashamed of yourself but try to do something worth it. You didn't do anything wrong to feel guilty. I know someday that you learn to love and face your problem and forget your insecurities in yourself.


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sumyngcum
Posted

Estafan....my heart goes out to you....and so will my prayers to our ONE God in heaven....who knows all and hears and sees all....u were created by him, and u are no mistake...u r perfect....gay is ur cross to bear thru life...just like the rest of the world...we all have crosses to bear....ur Lord and Saviour is watching over u...enjoy ur life...and pray for ur parents....God tells us to turn the other cheek when strife happens in our life....do that Estafan....u will be the better man....u r loved...just look at ur responses...i will pray for you sir...and love u...may God help you with ur life....keep the faith man....and he will respond...however, it is in his own time...whether it be here on earth, or up in heaven....u will reap ur rewards...i am sure....Love, Dave....


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Richard_Edwards
Posted

"God is Love and Love is for Everyone." This is the motto of the Unity Fellowship Church Movement.

http://www.unityfellowshipchurch.org/mainsite/?page_id=7

There is a church in Charlotte, NC which is part of the movement, but I see that is far from Raleigh. Call the church, 704-567-5007, and ask if you can make an appointment to speak with a clergy member. Most of the members of all the churches in the movement are gay and lesbian so you can easily say that you are gay.

I urge you to speak with someone, either at the church, or with some other professional who has experience in counseling on this issue.

Please let me know what happens.

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Dave_Mack
Posted

If you wish to stay in the catholic tradition look for a DIGNITY chapter. I think therey may be one in your are. Or got to DignityUSA.org and search there. Message me if I can be of help,,,

Dave


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Chris_Nochance
Posted

You’ll be fine w/ out a church or a family. You determine your own self worth. Just because you have a useless family that wasn’t taught any morals in their church in the first place doesn’t mean your life has any less value.


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