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MEMBER QUESTION: In love but in the closet - The Rainbow Lounge

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I don't know what to do. I'm in love with my bf but there is no way I can come out of the closet. I come from an Asian culture and my bf doesn't.

Even though we live in America, my parents will not accept that I'm gay. They would disown me.

My bf is very supportive but I'm scared he will leave me if I don't come out! What can I do...we've been together for 6 months. Do I have to choose between him and my family, isn't there another way?

Thanks a lot.


If your boyfriend does leave you for not coming out, then it's his problem. At the same time, I'm not saying live a lie, but live a life that you're comfortable with. Is there a family member you feel you could confide in and could help you talk to your parents about your sexuality?

I know it must be hard for you being in the situation you're in, but your boyfriend must really love you before he's stuck around for 6 months. The best thing to do is ask him if it bothers him that you haven't come out yet. I suspect it isn't an issue with your boyfriend, but still talk to him.

If you are sure about your sexuality, wait til you feel ready to tell people. You don't have to tell everyone and your parents only want what's best for you. I know my parents aren't happy about me being gay, but I can't magically change my sexuality. They'll maybe come round to the idea and accept it once they see how happy you are in your relationship.


Put yourself in your boyfriends shoes. How would you feel if your boyfriend had to hide his love for you. I have been in this situation and it hurts. It was like we had to sneak around. he was so afraid some one would see us;his parents or friends that might tell them. Either way it was a strain on the relationship and him.
I do feel for you and hope what ever you do works out.


You have both given some good advice! Thanks for sharing guys.


Tara I agree with John, very well spoken John. You should try to find a family member you can trust and who may be helpful.


I struggled with coming out as a teen. But then one day when I was out with my new gay friends, my mother found a letter on my personal PC. It was a letter to my friend, I was coming out to her in it. I knew what would happen if my family would find out. But you know what. They really hurt me. But some great things came out of it all. I found my true love in it all and my best friend. He went through a similar ordeal with his family as me. We both came from very religious back grounds. What got us through it all was each other. Having just one person to lean on made all the difference. There will always be times where it is hard to deal with your family, but you have to be strong. I struggled so much with my sexuality growing up, trying to keep it a secret that I almost broke and actually had suicidal tendencies. But finding that I had support and friends that cared for me was all I needed to get through it all. I still struggle with my family trying to get them to understand that this is WHO I am and not what I am. Eventually they may come to understand this, many of them have. My mother still fights me on this subject, but I am not going to back down. I have found piece with myself and I am never looking back. When they see that you can have true love and happiness even with someone of the same sex they will start to come around. I know that deep down they only want me to be happy and that's good enough for me.
Remember this we will never be able to make everyone happy in life but we can make ourselves happy. Also you will find that you will always be coming out to someone somewhere down the road. Weather it be new friends or new people at work. Just find happiness and love, and be true to yourself.

I am not saying that you have to come out right now, or ever. That's up to you, but I hope you find happiness in which ever you choose.


I agree Jonathan that coming out is difficult and is a process(you come out each day for the rest of your life). Keeping your secret to yourself is to persecute yourself. Now you can love yourself every day. I finially came out of my 'closet' when I was in my 50's and I then met my Partner, Jack. We are now together 15yrs and we are now in our 70's. Love to you, Patrick and Jack

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