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Joe_Lewis_59482

Am I gay? Serious confusion, please help - Gay Guys! <3

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Joe_Lewis_59482
Posted

Hey,

So I've been really struggling with my sexuality for a while now. I always thought I was bi, though I was predominantly straight. I never pursued male partners, though the thought of them would arouse me, and I loved the thought of cock. I always was attracted to both sexes, but only ever had girlfriends, though when I was 14 I fell deeply in love (have NEVER been into someone so much other than him) with a guy in my year, and when he told me he wasn't gay I was honestly heartbroken for months on end and swore I'd never fall for another guy again. I never did fall for another guy, but then none of them ever caught my eye again romantically, though I had some sexual attraction to them. I've had girlfriends since, though no sexual interaction has ever happened, because THEY wasn't ready. I, however, was raring to go.

Flash forward to now, me aged 17 (18 in November). My last relationship ended about 2 years ago, and I'd sort of been drifting from girl to girl. I fell for this girl towards the end of last year and was about to make a move. I then had a minor operation at the beginning of September on a delicate male bit, and upon waking up found that I was no longer attracted to women, and was fully turned on by men.

I don't buy into the whole "the operation turned me gay" thing, because that's a load of crap. Sexuality is predetermined, from birth. People that have near death experiences and then are gay, aren't turned gay by the experience, they've had a traumatic experience which has helped them discover their true self, and thus embrace the sexuality. For me, the struggle was how I could suddenly not be attracted to women anymore. As the months went on I would have some confusion-gay or bi- before having to just accept the cold hard truth that I'm gay.

The past month or so, I've been confused again. Women repulse me. The thought of having sex with a women is absolutely disgusting. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how repulsed I am by the thought of a vagina! Everything about a man does it for me though. Regardless of whether or not I'm into women, I'm DEFINITELY, 100% sure that I'm attracted to men. I've tried watching Lesbian porn, or "straight" porn, but it really doesn't do it for me. Sometimes I get a bit of a semi with all the passionate kissing and such, but the minute they get the down below out, I'm switched off. When I'm out and about in public though, women really catch my eye, and I can't help but eye them up. I still eye up the men, but I pay close attention to the women, even though I have no desire to "tap that". I have a couple of girls that I'm close to, and when we hug, like intensley hug (rubbing of the back, pat of the neck, snuggled in, held tight etc) I do get turned on in that moment, though I couldn't think of them, or any other girls, sexually outside of that instance.

So you can see just why I'm confused. I've asked a few people about this already, and they say the hug thing is just the thought of being touched. If that were true, then surely everyone would set me off? Others have said it's because of the fact I am so close to them. If that's the case, would that not mean I am attracted to them? But then can I be attracted to them without being turned on by women in general? Can I be bi but have to connect with a woman on an emotional level first to be sexually attracted? Then how come this is different with men?

Couple of final points that may or may not be relevant. 1.) Don't let the fact I'm 17 fool you. I am incredibly sophisticated and mature, to the extend where at college I spend most of the time socialising with staff as appose to students. 2.) There's nothing stereotypically gay about me. I'm just an average guy, and pretty damn masculine. I know gay men come in all varieties, I can accept that, I'm just putting it out there in case it affects my emotions or whatever.

HELP ME GUYS!


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Homer_Bozarth
Posted

Joe, you have to ask your self, who do i rather be with? men or women? only you can decide if your gay or not. no one can decide for you. i believe you are truely gay but i can not tell you that you are or not. you have to decide whom you want to be with more babe


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Joe_Lewis_59482
Posted

Well on an emotional level, I connect with women well. Sexual attraction lies with men.

People keep saying to me that others can't tell me, but why not? Surely people should be able to look at my feelings and be able to relate to that, or be able to point me in a better direction to finding myself?


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Homer_Bozarth
Posted

babe we can tell you but you need to decide for your self weather you like men or girls. you have to decide whom you want to spend the rest of you life with a man or a woman.


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Joe_Lewis_59482
Posted

Can people at least talk me through what I'm going through? Help me rationalise it?


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Homer_Bozarth
Posted

Joe, you like guys, you are attracted to guys. you yern to feel the other mans skin next to yours. you can not stop thinking about another mans naked body in the shower next to yours. you can not stop the fantasy of you making love to another man no matter what his age is. if this is how you truely feel, then you are 100% gay babe


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Timothy_Brown
Posted

I had a hell of a time deciding I was gay. I had several encounters with girlsand women. At the same times in my life, I was very happily involved sexually with several different men. I accepted being bisexual more than being gay. It took me a long time to decide I am gay and I am proud to be so! I think for me, my sexual attraction for women is long over although I do find some women beautiful.

I hope this helps in some way other than helping you know that you are not alone in your feelings. It is confusing. I wish you the very best!


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Sseguya_George
Posted

Hugging Lady friends turns you on b'se you are currently lacking romance & affection in your life. Otherwise, you are so gay!


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Jed_Morton
Posted

Your emotional conflicts show that you're obviously a very intelligent and thoughtful person. If you've not as yet had a close, loving, caring relationship with a man, you might want to search for one. In that way you might discover whether or not you feel the same closeness with a man that you feel with a woman. If you can combine that closeness with a satisfying sexual relationship, you will probably be happy in a gay relationship. It's quite natural at your age to have some confusion about your romantic/sexual needs. Give it some time, experiment when you can, sooner or later it will become clear to you where your true affections lie. I know it's frustrating at the moment, wanting to know for sure just where you stand on this, but patience is necessary for you right now. Trust that your future will be a happy and contented one. A guy of your depth of feeling will search until a clear answer is found. Here's wishing you well on this adventure.


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Posted

Joe, I'll try to rationalise what you are saying. Apologies in advance if some of what I'll say offends you or others in the discussion, but I don't know you, and only have your words to guide me, plus some decades of experience as someone who has "come out", has pondered the meaning of sexuality, has studied human behaviour both formally and for kicks, and has watched and helped others figure themselves out in their time of need. Here goes...

Firstly, you speak of sexuality as like a rigid division between attraction to either men or women, sometimes both, sometimes apparently neither. That is life, and sexuality is a fluid thing (by that i mean it can change and evolve). You are most likely not born prepackaged as gay, but you are born with certain predispositions, and environmental factors must come into play to activate those genetic factors. Genes alone (the so-called "nature" argument) could account for only a marginal percent of the population expressing one sexuality or another, as studies of people with neurological disorders indicate (people who do not take any cues from social interaction their whole lives, for example). Environment (the so-called "nurture" argument) also could account for only a marginal percent of the population being exclusively gay: what kind of child's home life could turn a non-predisposed person totally, and happily, gay? Yet it can and does happen, sometimes (and does not require gay or lesbian parents as a causative factor). Most people prefer not to think into it at this level, and just get on with forming acceptance, but I see that you prefer rational contemplation, so we'll go into it further.

You are biological, and therefore respond to stimuli. We are touch-sensitive creatures, and affection is a trigger. If you were blindfolded and were "felt-up", you may not know the gender of the person who is doing it, and you could get aroused, possibly very easily. You may not even need to be blindfolded if the person doing it made you comfortable enough.

You are also psychological (or neurological, there is debate about which of these is more significant at this level) and therefore have a mind that responds to training, culture, social interaction, bullying, peers, chemicals, etc. Your culture generally accepts gays, but your peers may not (particularly during your formative years). Social interaction may require you to present as one of the boys, and this can lead to the "straight acting" behaviour that some guys do. Or, you may be a natural scientist who thinks in terms of maths and physics, and this could also supply you with a very rationalistic approach that is more or less the same thing as "straight acting" (except it is less of an "act"). It's important to point out that it is not only gay guys who indulge in "straight acting" behaviour: many straight guys who MAY otherwise be perceived as less than masculine also do it, and there are many more of them than fully gay guys doing it. One day you may be fortunate to have a deep friendship with a fully straight guy who lets you in on some of his inner thoughts, you could be very surprised (I am sometimes surprised by how surprised I have been!). Straight guys are supposed to love pussy, eat dirt, wear crap fashion, be tough, never cry, blah blah blah. The fact is not all do, and that is becoming more noticeable now than over the past century (although not yet as noticeable as it was during the Renaissance). Hipsters may seem gay to many, but most aren't. Ballet dancers might be "straight acting" when they're at the pub with strangers, or when they do National Service (compulsory military time that some countries have), but it doesn't mean they are gay the rest of the time (I have met plenty who are chauvinistic pigs). Those stereotypes are just a rule-of-thumb, and don't mean squat in a one-to-one setting.

You were 14, and fell in love with a guy. That is not uncommon, even for guys who later turn out straight. My first sexual fool-around was at 12 with a 13 yo friend from church. He is now happily married with 4 kids (last time I was told), and does not feel embarrassed that we shared such an experience. Generally speaking, when we are 14, we are brimming with fresh hormones and hormonally induced changes to our bodies, and can get turned on easily, because biology overrules psychology at that time (usually, there are exceptions such as kids who were assaulted, or lived through war-zones etc but I am assuming you are from a fairly regular background). Your experience with your schoolboy-love turning out to be straight may have hurt or confused you, and caused you to back off from your feelings for a while. But you are human, so you will still seek it, like it or not. Girls may have been a partial interest for the same reason as boys: hormones can get you active, and they are probably a safe bet for a while when all else seems out of the question.

I believe you are correct when you say that an operation could not have turned you gay. It wasn't a neurological operation (brain surgery), which can sometimes lead to behavioural changes, so forget the operation as a strict cause. However, anaesthesia can relax the mind notably, and what instead may (I say "may", not "did") have happened was that your mind was "set free" to some extent in the stages between levels of consciousness and an inner truth about yourself, which had left you confused for some years (eg the on-again, off-again carousel you found yourself in with girls, feelings, kissing, boys, etc), suddenly became unmistakable. As a person, you (Joe) seek to understand the logic behind things such as feelings, emotions, attraction. I assure you that there is a logic to these things, but forget the usual cause-effect logic you are probably familiar with. By the usual rules, these things will seem the definition of irrationality! Guys love to control their emotional outbursts, have flat feelings, no reactions to things, etc, it is a global phenomenon for males (although clearly not all of them, look around next time you're at a footy match or on the tube). Women often seem more in touch with those things, and as society would have us all believe for centuries, are therefore irrational as humans. We know that is a ridiculous oversimplification nowadays, just as it is that men are only always rational. As you have said, you have tested yourself with lesbian porn, or other regular straight porn, etc. That is taking a rational approach, and you have found that it can only induce a partial reaction. That's a great discovery I think, and you've hit the nail on the head right there. You CAN respond to other people's affections or sexual activity: your neurons fire in these circumstances for the same reason they fire when you are closely watching how to play cricket, or do maths, or bake a cake: if you are shown, you will copy, that is merely a fundamental of neurological functionality, the ability to partly experience in your mind the sensations you are watching others experience, and why you can also learn from others. However, just because you CAN respond, does not mean that it is innately significant to a sexual PREFERENCE.

To wind up this long volume of an answer, getting a semi from the THOUGHT of being touched is possible, but unlikely to be the case in every instance. I bet you could if you thought of a super-hot guy you know you already liked. But I bet you don't when you think of a relative, or some old guy who serves you at the gas station, or Prince Charles, or whomever. It is not all or nothing, and it does not really mean anything about your preferences, just that you are human. Many guys are naturally intuitive with women, that is a well-established fact that many, many women all over the world have known since the beginning of time. Many of those men are also gay, and those of us who have that trait enjoy great friendships with women, whom we might treat like a bunch of "sisters" (no surprise then that guys who have actual sisters are often intuitive with them, even if they are not with most women). You can be oblivious to how a guy thinks or feels, but still find him awesomely attractive: sometimes its NOT knowing the details that does it for us. I struggle sometimes even after 7 years with my partner to understand his way of thinking, and vice-versa. But some guys I just "get" immediately, same for some girls. Recently I had surgery and the surgeon was a woman (I've had a few surgeries for different things in my life, including wisdom teeth and tonsils, etc, and they were always men). I really connected with her and we had a great consultation, chatting and laughing about all sorts of stuff. The surgery was a breeze, the follow-ups like visiting a great old friend. I never thought for a moment we were destined to be together, but said to my partner she is like the mother I probably should have had (no offence to my beloved actual mother), or like a favorite school teacher perhaps.

In summary, you are a bit of biology (genetics, especially instincts, such as the sexual urge to get it on at all costs) and a bit of psychology (the development of preferences, training, culture, personality traits), as well as a bit of neurology (how you perceive things, including your quite logical approach to things). These three things overlap in many ways, as they must if you are to survive at all in the world. Combined, they are probably more than enough to keep you guessing about motivations and intentions!


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Posted

Yikes! Epic... try and digest it para by para if you can


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WillEl
Posted

Does it really matter? Knowing who you are attracted to, who you love, who you can spend you life with, is good enough. If one day you meet someone, regardless a girl or a guy, and if you love each other, then be together. Why make it so complicated.


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Posted

It could just be a simple "trend", for lack of a better word. Its like I will be attracted to men for a few months and then I'm only attracted to women for a while. But Will El is right, it doesn't really matter as long as you find love. Its really not a major issue. Sorry if I'm being to direct.


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Posted

While I understand the dismissive attitude, I think it *does* matter when people say it matters to them. It took me many years to understand the complex feelings i had for guys, and people's advice always seemed to be saying "this is what I would do if I were you, so you should do what I do, not what you do" as though my personal experiences didn't matter to them, as long as I followed their lead. Some people want to understand themselves, and their complex emotions, without dismissing them. If I'd listened to the advice I'd been given as a child, I'd be a christian now instead of a scientist. I would have ignored my uniqueness instead of exploring it.


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Tommy_Storey
Posted

Hi,there,Joe,

I think that you all ready know,Deep Down,that you are Gay.

The way i am Seeing thing`s from my Angle,is that all what
you are after,is for Us on Gay.com,is to Comfirm this fact for
you !!!!!!!.
Tommy lol xxxx


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Joe_Lewis_59482
Posted

Jeremy Nicholas, you sir, are a genius. You've kind of answered some of my questions, whilst raising new ones, or rather questions I SHOULD be asking. And you're right, it certainly DOES matter to me. I don't want to get into a relationship and find out that it's not going to work, then break a girls heart by telling her I'm gay. I find a real need to try and rationalise everything that goes on in my life


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Posted

Thanks Joe, that's a great compliment. I share the same basic need to know who I am and why, and given how many puzzling things there are in life, I can't bear the thought that I could get to the end of my life with no more knowledge about me than I started with. I realise that road is not travelled by everyone (as the comments above show), and that makes the journey a little tougher for those of us who take it, but you will not regret it, and the strength you gain from facing these things head on (instead of fearing them or ignoring them) will set you up for life. Not everyone wants to follow, and by facing yourself, you demonstrate leadership. Others will notice, and admire you for that courage and self-awareness. Jed's comment above is also worth pondering, wherein he notes that you possess a great depth of feeling, and he is certainly correct. This also sets you apart, and is worth taking the time to nurture. A lot of guys would secretly give their right arm to possess what you have there.


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Keith_Imeson
Posted

trying to be your self in this world is hard when all the things your told goes againts who you are and want to be. try to be with people that want the best for you and share your beliefs. this site you,ll find friends. i hope you find your way that makes you happy


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Posted

I completely agree with Will's comment.


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Alan_Longcroft-Markham
Posted

Some of the things you've said I can relate to and some others remind me of some things one of my friends has said.

I feel close - like super close - to some of my best girl friends and in a way I feel attraction towards women. But personally the kind of attraction I feel to women is like the attraction a 4 year-old would feel - "ooh look, pretty girl" kind of thing. Sort of similar to "wow, shiny coin" or something. I don't know if that relates to you at all.

The friend I had - past tense: after we hooked up he claimed I raped him because he's "not gay" - has had feelings for guys but tends to only admit to them when he's horny. Maybe that's just hormones (and he's about the same age as you) but I think there's something more there. When he's horny he lets his guard down. Some would say that's a bad thing. But the type of 'guard' I'm talking about is a barrier from your own emotions. For example, this friend obviously didn't want to be gay. Even if that's only subconscious - especially if it's subconscious, in fact - it can have a strong impact and stop you from accepting your own sexuality. I don't know, but could this be how you feel about women? Is there sexual attraction there that - sometimes - you just won't let yourself feel? (for whatever reason, probably subconsciously - after all, no one would consciously 'want' to stop themselves from figuring out their sexuality)

Whilst I understand that you want to know who you are, I do agree with Will. Whether you're gay or bi, I say just go with your feelings, wherever they may lead you. If you like a guy then go for it, if one day you have feelings for a girl then go for it. On the face of it, it doesn't matter what you are. Sexuality isn't always black and white, and sometimes to try and put a label on it gets you nowhere. If you can't find an answer as to what your sexuality is maybe you're not ready. In time it'll come.

Thicht Naht Hahn says that, when faced with a problem, you should think "how will I feel about this in 10 minutes? How will I feel about this in 10 hours? How will I feel about this in 10 days? How will I feel about this in 10 weeks? How will I feel about this in 10 months? How will I feel about this in 10 years?"
I've not yet found a scenario where this doesn't apply. In 10, 20 or 30 years when - maybe - you'll be in a relationship and you'll better understand your sexuality, will you look back and thing "Damn, I so wish I'd known this 10/20/30 years ago! It would've changed everything!" or will you not even think about it? Yes, your early years influence your development and shape who you are, but will you really care that once upon a time you didn't know if you were gay or bi?


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Keith_Imeson
Posted

i know way to many straight guys who you know would love to have sex with another guy and have only to say they were drunk when they did it.having sex with a guy doesn,t mean your gay it,s just differt kind of sex. it,s when you have feelings and dreams and desires to be with that person then you might be gay i hope


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