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Jony_Star

Roller Coaster Emotions... - The Rainbow Lounge

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for someone who really tries to keep his emotions in check and gives the same advice to others...i'm pretty sure it's way easier preach than to follow your own advice...hahaha...but well i'm actually trying really hard cuz i hate the idea of being a hypocrite...so i'm sure i've brought up my situation with my friend Andre...(the one i made out with and he has a boyfriend) like a million times...but i like to sorta write about it as if i was writing to a diary...except a diary is an object and i'm actually sharing this with all you guys...anywho... we went clubbing 2 nights this week...and i can tell he's really trying to control himself...we still drink...but we're more careful now...so i think we're good on that now...but unfortunately this situation has left something behind...and like honestly feelings for him started to revive...and i don't like it...and i can't help but to wonder if him being careful means he's either started leaving these feelings for me behind like we discussed that we should or is it because he's trying to make things work with his current boyfriend...either way i don't think that's my business to know because at the moment there can't be anything between us...and i think that's it's time for me to admit that i kinda do wanna have a shot with him...so you can say i'm waiting for an opportunity...we only hang out when my friend Kiki comes down to visit us...which is not very often...she just started hanging out with us this month...and since we're all friends...we're always joking around and whatnot...but there are moments where i want to be close to him...hold him and want him hold me...and i wanna tell him how i feel...but again it sucks cuz it can't happen...not only cuz he has a boyfriend...who has been nothing but nice to him by the way...but because that's not what a good friend does to another friend...also he lives wit his boyfriend and everything...i don't want to complicate his life besides right now i have nothing going on for me yet...but hopefully i will soon...anyway that was off topic...in a way it's silently interfering with the friendship...by silently i mean...nothing's been said but you can kinda feel it...it's not that super obvious most of the time cuz we're with our friend Kiki...but there are little moments...i don't wanna lose him as a friend...i'm gonna do anything to keep that from happening...and if that means get over my feelings...then well so be it...i can't say i know what he's feeling at the moment...cuz he's kinda a silent person...again when i questioned him before about his feelings for me...he said it was complicated...so aside from not being real helpful when it came to searching for answers...i'm just stuck in this situation where i don't know if we're both still have these feelings for each other or it's just me...and i wish things never got this complicated in the 1st place...but well it happened so now i have to deal with it...but you know if i actually think about why we didn't give each other a shot before it's because when it's the 3 of us...we're really great friends...and i couldn't really see myself with him in a romantic level...i mean we don't even call each other by name...lol...we call each other "nigga"...so to me it was funny...cuz i couldn't imagine each other going out and still calling each other "nigga"...so to me that alone was a sign that it couldn't work...but now i'm thinking that if the opportunity comes up...i'll ask him for a shot...so that this will never happen again...cuz i'm sure that this came up because we never gave each other that chance...so it's only a matter of going for it and deal w/whatever the outcome is...but yep...damn these emotions right now...cuz they are only making my life a bit more complicated...but it's up to me to keep them in check...and that's what i'll do...i can do this...i know i can...


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Posted

omg another essay...i'm sorry i write so much...but well once i get to thinking and venting...there's really no stopping me...but well i appreciate you guys taking the time to read this while not having the obligation to...the people who successfully read all this...gets a *HUG*...^_^


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David_Kirkpatrick_61460
Posted

You have made your feelings pretty clear about this new friend--you're a very good writer; you say things with a lot of clarity: you are ambivalent toward him--and if he is saying his feelings toward you are complicated, then perhaps he is feeling some ambivalence, too. But, you know, actions really do speak louder than words. He is living with another man, who is good to him. They obviously love each other. Play it real cool. Just keep monitoring the situation over time. You've already let him know how you feel. And, it wouldn't hurt if you got a boyfriend of your own because you are obviously ready for that.


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well when andre and his bf (David) were barely going out...andre had already been wanting to move out...he actually attempted to move out once and was forced to move back home...and i think david was his way out...and i don't doubt that at some point he loved him...but then something must've changed...and that's when things started to spark between us...but well we've been staying away...we only hang out with kiki...it's not that we're not good friends just the 2 of us...but we function better when it's the 3 of us...and well anyways we would stop talking for months...and i thought with time my feelings would diminish...i mean it's not like i'm thinking about him everyday...and in fact it's not the 1st time i feel attracted to a guy i can't have...only difference it...that my friend is the 1st gay guy that i can't have...but then again we've also had a little history...altho nothing happened between us...but well emotionally i've always been ready for true love...but well haven't had much luck there...and well as of Andre's relationship...i've never and will never interfere with his relationship...i haven't told Andre how i feel right now...and i've been careful not to make the same mistakes as last time which is to make it obvious that i like him...tho me asking questions about it the 3rd time we would make it obvious...so yea maybe he knows...i don't know...anyways...but i agree i'll monitor the situation just as i've been doing so...like i said i'm not doing anything that will affect our friendship...like i said for all i know he could be working things out with david...i'm not ready for a boyfriend...not in this state...1st i need get a job, go back to school, get my life together...and then finally get over my feelings...i need my heart and mind to be clear of everything...only then will i feel ready to date and find the right guy for me...until then...the guys will have to wait...


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David_Kirkpatrick_61460
Posted

You're going to do all right. You know how to control your heart with your head. People have probably told you that you are good at coming up with good solutions to problems. You write with great clarity of thought-- and writing is the highest intellectual behavior. When I am really in love with another guy, I tend to lead with my heart. My ex-partner was and is the worst thing in the world for me--absolutely broke my heart-- and you know what---I'd do it all over again! There is nothing like falling in love with a man, who is also a force of nature. : )


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Posted

i know my heart isn't wrong for feeling love for him...it just has horrible timing...lol...but we'll see what time has in store for us...i know i have to keep my head in the game...


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Elvia_Beck
Posted

Never feel bad for loving.......


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Posted

it's not so much that i feel bad for loving...i just feel bad cuz it's really not the time or right situation for me to be feeling this way...again he has a boyfriend who is nice to him...what more can he want???...but i do get what you mean Elvia...but just sometimes it's not the right moment to be feeling love...


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