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Koenraad_Achidi

My best decided not to be gay anymore! - The Gay Christian Network

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Koenraad_Achidi
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My bet friends and I live in a family situation where being gay is totally unacceptable, in all that we struggle in search for the one true one for us, he has a couple of hook ups here and there and decided that was it, God doesn't approve of him being gay and he is looking to get married to a girl and settle down with her! He has never been with a girl before and this is getting me all worried! Is he denying what he is or actuall trying to be who he is supposed to be! One thing I know for sure is that if he is really gay and thing to change all that just because he doesn't want his family and the church to find out what he has been doing , it will all come back to him one day! Please help me out guys with this awkward situation!


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Hallo Koenraad!
These are terribly difficult situations, though the first tthing you need to ask yourself is about your own relationship with your friend and how much you need him and will miss him.
Regrettably, many men go into marriage to satisfy the family and not upset the 'norms' of family life. Sometimes these can work oiut, sometimes the men seek some solace outside the marriage.
You are quite right in that if he is a gay man then he will face some inner turmoil in his married life.
The church as an institution I sometimes think is the anti-christ. There is very little you can do without creating an enormous upset in his family and church.
Seek comfort and peace in the arms of our Lord.
John xx


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Hi Koenraad,
I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. If he is gay, then he is making a very bad mistake, as I have experienced in my own life. I now believe that the first stirrings of my "gayness" happened when I was 12 and had a "crush" on another boy at preparatory school. So that means I hid my homosexuality for just over 50 years until last November. In that time I had two nervous breakdowns and suffered from depression - bipolar disorder. I now know this was due to the strain of keeping up a facade to the outside world. I married Sara 25 years ago. At the time I thought I was in love and we had a sexual relationship to start with. However, it did not feel right. As she said to me later, I always seemed to hold something back in our lovemaking. For a long time I felt ashamed of my homosexuality, and tried to hide it. I say, tried, because I did not always succeed. I would still describe myself as a Christian, but it has been a rocky road. I was an evangelical and anti-gay. Any time someone threatened my facade, I would be on the attack verbally. I also went to homophobic churches. There were frequent occasions where I would be sitting during a morning service where I felt desperately lonely.
One of the reasons for not coming out in all that time was because I was frightened of people's reactions - especially in the family. For example, my father once said that if he had his way he would have lined them (gays) up against a wall and shot the lot of them. I have to say that there has been a shift in his thinking - I think, but am not certain. Or it may be that he has recognized as I have too that there are subjects best avoided in order not to cause friction. BUT not to the detriment of my self-respect as a gay person. I received a lovely letter from him yesterday, stating that whatever happens, I have the full support of the family. I shall be meeting him the weekend after this one.
Right, back to the issue you raised.
My ex has been incredible. When I left in February to go to Penang, she was distraught, because I had made it clear that my intention was to stay out there for a year. She thought she was losing the love of her life. After I came back in March, she told me that for 3 weeks after I left, she literally howled 24 hours a day. Her work was effected. Then she began to hate me and wish all kinds of bad things on me. And then she realized that since I was gay, the marriage was effectively over, so there was no point in wishing for something which was impossible. By the time I got back and saw Sara again, we started talking. More than we had done for years. By the way, we are both Christians. We discovered that we are better friends now than we have been before I came out. We have agreed on the arrangements for our divorce - which will take place in 2014. We will remain friends. She has said some remarkable things. One - that perhaps this is the very first time I have ever fallen in love (as you may know, Jonathan and I love each other and intend to live together soon). She has also said that she will be there for my civil partnership ceremony - even give me away (like the father of the bride!) to my partner - even Jonathan, who is also a Christian. She still loves me and I am very fond of her. You cannot wipe away 27 years of being together just like that.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, I honestly believe that God can redeem any situation. I truly believe that He has brought Jonathan and me together. Things have happened to prove that.
For me personally this is a difficult time, waiting until November, when I'll see him again. But I cannot complain,compared to many people's circumstances, like your friend's.
I more or less did what your friend is proposing to do - in order to please his family. In my case, it was so as not to "rock the boat" and upset others. But inside I was a wreck. But somehow managed to survive like that. Now that I am free to be myself, I see the contrast between the way I used to be and now. I say that if people don't like the way I am, that is their problem - not mine! I found before, that I simply couldn't say that.
I can say absolutely categorically that I have found the love of my life - for the first time in my life!!
I hope your friend will get advice about what he is contemplating doing, because unless he is strong mentally, psychologically, spiritually and physically, he is on a similar road to mine - with the possibility of suffering from depression and worse. Your friend will discover if he is willing to "step out in faith" that there are many of us who will support him. I personally have found many in the gay community to be caring and supportive. Also he may discover the God who loves him unconditionally - unlike some of His supposed followers.
Tell him to take care and do nothing in haste.
All the best, Bill.


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David_Cloud
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A very moving testimony indeed, Bill. I am sure this will be of great help to Koenraad and others wrestling with these issues. I find it very heartening that Sara and you have found a way of developing a deep friendship out of this situation - great credit to both of you. I hope so much that your future brings you great happiness.


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Thank you, David. As they say, the best is yet to come!!!


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Hello Koenraad,

First, what does the Bible say about being gay? To answer this question, traditionally readers turn to the following books in the Bible: Genesis, Leviticus, Romans, Corinthians, and Timothy. The late Peter Gomes, said to be "one of america's most compelling preachers," studies each book for the answer to this question in chapter 8 of his book "The Good Book: Reading the Bible With Mind And Heart." I've revisited this chapter more than once, and have gained understanding that strengthens my faith. I believe it will do the same for your friend as well.


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