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Siany_Silc

not a poem but part of a story I'm writing - Poetry Group

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Siany_Silc
Posted

hi people just want to know what you all think.

She was right, it was nothing like the other gardens. Even though it was middle of winter, and everything was covered in snow. There was a complete different atmosphere here. There were signs of life everywhere. Fresh paw prints in the snow. Little robin red breasts, sitting in the frost bitten trees, as though winter hadn’t hit. Black roses popping out of the crystal white snow. The atmosphere was a warm, friendly, loving kind of atmosphere. Filled with life.

would really love hearing what you guys think of this paragraph and if you think it pulls you in to want to read on.


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Tommy_Storey
Posted

Hi,Siany,
I am alway`s open minded.lol.

I think that you have got a good,thead,going on here,but at the same time it
would be nice to know what life the garden was full of, a lot more, i think. lol
This is just what i think, lol Tommy,xx


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Siany_Silc
Posted

that's explained in the next paragraph, I just don't want to put too much up so I've only put this bit up. and thank you for the comment.


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Tommy_Storey
Posted

Yes,you are welcome Siany,i am only saying what i can see,at this moment in time. May be you can put the next Paragraph on hire ??.
Tommy,xx


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Siany_Silc
Posted

I would put I've typed more since than and it's gonna take forever to find that were I was up to when I typed up that bit. lol


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Tommy_Storey
Posted

That is no Problem,Siany. lol. Tommy,xx


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Tommy_Storey
Posted

Are you a Poetry writer as well,Siany, ??.


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Siany_Silc
Posted

I write some poetry, in between writing stories.


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Jon_Roberts
Posted

I think you have talent, you do need to edit more.
For example, the reference to the robin; while description is usually desired in prose, some things we all know (like red-breasted robins), and reading that might be less interesting to some people.
I m ight have written: "Robins sitting in the thorn bushes, cheerfully ignoring the winter cold."
Also, the weather.was completely different is more grammatically correct. And I'd use the word it to replace the first use of atmosphere in the last sentance as repetition can be deadly.
It would have been nice to know her name, but I infer that's in previous parts.However, it's far better than the crap high-school students churn out and, in many ways, superior to college Freshman English composition classes.
Find a copy of the Harbrace College Composition textbook and use it to improve your already impressive voice.


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Siany_Silc
Posted

okay and thank you for the advise, I will most certainly use it.


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Posted

Is there going to be a continous for this story Siany ? ) xx Anyways .. It's amazing story *WINK*


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