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Jony_Star

My New Friend Poem... - Gay Guys! <3

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Posted

well as many of you know of the situation with my best friend...i felt that last poem was a bit weak...and i think i held back a little...this may be just the same...but well a tiny bit more feeling to it though...(or so i think...)...but anywho...i don't have a title for it yet...i'm actually open to suggestions...i love dramatic titles...so feel free to go out way out there with the title...(but let's remember dramatic...not crazy...lol...)...and as always i'm open for criticism and comments...hope you guys enjoy...well here it goes...

Blinded by illusion and misguided by false hope,
breaking away from everyone, including myself,
oblivious and lost, I have reached the end of my rope,
how can I again find the path towards my true self?

Easy to say, and it is such a common belief,
what doesn't kill us can only make us stronger,
but as my heart bleeds, drowning me with grief,
I've lost a part of myself and can’t hold on any longer.

Reality comes, taking away what is too good to be true,
some say this sign from the universe or the sky above,
but it has taken away the only person I could ever turn to,
betrayed and rejected by one who had my respect and love.

This tiny piece held a special place close to my heart,
losing even the smallest of things still has a great cost,
leaving an emptiness that now seeks to tear me apart,
but I try to remember that not everything in my life is lost.

To think my life revolved around one being makes no sense,
I lost sight of those who truly deserved me more,
I should ask them to forgive me for such offense,
I only wish to restore myself to how I was before.

Reality sets in and shows me what is truly meant to be,
though I’m left with a shadow of only one “best friend”,
I’m surrounded by my real friends that are still with me,
I know they will always love me and stand by me till the end.

The emptiness has left me; I’m filled with nothing but joy,
I've begun to remember what it means to trust and love,
there is much more in my life I must live and learn to enjoy,
this truly must be a sign from the universe or the sky above.


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Posted

I Like it


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Homer_Bozarth
Posted

i like it as well


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Homer_Bozarth
Posted

any time Babo. i wish i had the money to go see you when i go see my relatives in fresno. that would be fun


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Tommy_Storey
Posted

Vary Good, ( Top Mark`s,Jony ). lol.


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Daniel_Markov
Posted

well done jony


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Tony_Johns_49808
Posted

Jony please forgive me for commenting. I am a published poet with a world wide reputation (this is not my real name obviously). I have been following the writings of another young guy on here and had hoped to use some of his poems in an anthology of poetry by young writers. Unfortunately he refused permission at the last moment and so the book is now on hold as the remaining works might not be strong enough to financially carry the book on their own.

I like you poem, it is full of powerful emotion. There is as tory behind the words and it ends on a positive note, leaving the reader feeling good. There is also alternate rhyming and you have not tried for rhyming every line, which would have weakened the powerful feelings you create.

May I very respectfully suggest you look at the scan of the lines? The poem lacks regularity in the metre and rhythm. There are different numbers of beats in the lines, for example there are 16 beats in the first line of the penultimate verse and 14 in the first line of the last verse, and this is the same for many of the lines. If you were able to tighten the work up, giving it a regular metre, it would be excellent.

Please forgive me if I appear rude or over critical,I do not intend to be so. I like what you have written and am trying to help you take it from very good to excellent.


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Posted

don't worry Tony...i don't mind the criticism...it only helps me to become a better poet...and of course the 1st drafts are never perfect...but yea in time i'll take another look at it and revise it...thanks for the the pointers...


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