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William_J._Reulbach

Sex and Love - Looking for LOVE!!!

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Sex and Love
I’ve gotten quite a few messages and e-mails on the
subject of sex and love with regards to gay men. I decided
to finally address this issue after a conversation with my
friend, Gary, who decided that living alone was better
than going through all the problems of being in a
relationship.
Everybody has had their share of bad relationships and
felt like giving up. It seems a lot of gay men follow the
stereotype by thinking sex is the most important part of
having someone in their life. Sex is important, but so is
love, commitment, and passion. Sex is the easy part.
Loving is a lot more work with less chance of success. Sex
is something you can do by yourself if you need to, while
loving takes two unless you’re that self-absorbed.
Most guys think about love, they’re just afraid to talk
about it openly for fear of appearing vulnerable. They
have an even bigger fear of getting hurt than women do.
Most guys are equally afraid that their relationships
probably won’t last in the first place, almost assuring
failure. This only makes his reluctance to enter into a
relationship even greater. These guys have a genuine need
to be in a relationship so they continue to seek out
different guys even though they are with someone already.
It appears as they are unhappy or dissatisfied, which is
not the case. In reality, they are just insecure about the
situation they are currently in. Some call it a fear of
commitment, when it’s actually a fear of failure.
Boyfriends consider it cheating, even just looking, not
thinking that a little more reasonable communication might
ease things and give some much needed affirmation.
These guys inadvertently set themselves up for one failed
relationship after another. It happens more often than
we’d like to admit and even more with younger guys because
they tend to be more impatient at finding that “one true
love.”
I can relate to what these guys are going through. I know
the biggest reason I’m not in a relationship is because
of “Me.” As much as I want a relationship, I am fearful
that it will be doomed from the beginning and it usually
is. I know in my heart if I’m ever going to be in a real
relationship, I’m going to have to work harder at making
it succeed.
So as I finish this, I know the debate over sex and love
will continue on. You can have sex without love, but it
will only be sex. So if that’s all you need to be happy
then enjoy life. I know happiness comes in many forms and
cannot be defined by any single act or feeling. You are
the only true judge of what makes you happy in life, so
follow your heart, it is the only thing in life that will
never let you down.


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There's definitely a fine line between love and sex. Many still to this day, haven't quite figured them out. Sex is just sex. Plain, empty, filler (pick one). The minute sex turns into love, it has a completely different feeling. It means much, much more. Not all gay male relationships are doomed to fail. The really strong ones, have been known to last as long as a heterosexual one. I know couples, both gay and lesbian, who have been together for well over 2 decades. Please do note, they hooked up back in the day, when there were no gay rights. I call them our pioneers. What we have today, they worked hard to pave a pathway for others. All relationships are give and take. Some give more and others, persistently take and give very little. It must be 50/50. Any less, you're definitely doomed. Communication is the key and without it... Browsing the display case in any candy shop (together) isn't to harsh. Informing your partner of your delight, is not to harsh. Sampling? You just crossed that line. Each relationship is unique. Each long term relationships have been long term because they communicated with each other. They've been upfront, honest, open and truthful, since day one. No secrets. Try talking to those gay couples, who've managed to stay together, longer than a couple of years. Perhaps, you may tap into a few secrets as to how they remained a couple for so long. Many of us can only dream of finding "that one" and settling down to a long and healthy, loving life together. Eventually that dream, will become a reality. We'll have to kiss many frogs to find out prince or princess. Some of us, will live out our lives single, since some (not all) have been down the relationship road before and have made the personal choice to remain... single. Some (again, not all) prefer to be in a committed relationship and will patiently wait, for another opportunity at finding that special someone. So, if it's only sex you need, you have many options. Just don't base your relationship on what you can do for each other in the sack. You may be compatible in the bedroom but, what about outside of it? Ah, that's the key. Having things in common (besides bedroom Olympics) really does help. I find that most gay relationships have, started out on a sexual note (this applies to both male and female). After 13+ years with my previous partner, I returned to the singles life and I've just recently met, one really great guy. He doesn't live in my city (1 hr outside of it) and we've been getting to know each other online, for I'd hook up with him around 5:30am for morning coffee, as he jump starts his work day. We've not met in person, due to his heavy work load but, he's put time off to one side to "get to know me" albeit, online and at 5:30am. Eventually, we'll meet and we both know, sparks will fly (Canada Day fireworks will pale). Yes, it did start out with a single photograph and no, not a nude. Our own online profiles stood out and we each had something in them, which sparked out interest and draw towards, each other. It has been a month and we talk just about every morning. We've talked on the phone too. But my story is nothing new. We are taking the necessary time to get to know each other. Something that has been lost, in this vast ocean of life. We've both have had our relationship experiences and have made the conscious decision, to take it one step at a time. Call it, lessons learned. For those who are reading this, perhaps you do understand the difference between sex and love. For those of you who don't... once you find yourself in a committed relationship, you will.


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