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Jony_Star

Grasped By The Past... - Gay Guys! <3

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the days go by...and even a new year has begun...you would think i would be happy...i got together with my best friends Nyque and Andre for new year's...and it was a blast...it was nice to hang out again...especially after not seeing them for months...well i told Nyque and Andre about my ex-bf's theory about my friend Zamira having feelings for me...and asking them if they truly believe if that can really be a strong possibility???...both answered yes...you see both Zamira and Andre are sort of the mysterious people in our group...when you thought you had them all figured out...something totally new comes out...now i don't know how many of you rely on your intuition...but i pretty much try not to rely on it...because it's not as if i'm psychic and know everything about how a person feels and thinks...and sometimes i doubt myself and think i'm just being paranoid or self-centered...but i can't deny that i have those gut feelings basically or instincts either...my ex-bf is into astrology and all that business...and believes i have the ability to be in tune with other people...and fed me all that...calling it a gift and all...but again i don't want to believe that...but i can't deny that most of the times i've been right...tho i've never admitted it to anyone...anywho that's way beside the whole point of this topic...well i find myself more vulnerable than ever...and it's in these times that i really doubt my "instincts" and believe that i'm being paranoid about things...but when i really think about it...there could be no other explanation for this distance between us...but then if that were to be true???...why couldn't she come forward???...why couldn't she trust me that much???...i admit that i too had a crush on a straight friend once...of course i never told him...and i understand that much...because i was scared about losing a friend...he didn't know i was gay and never noticed that i liked him...so i think that would've been too much for him if he were to have known...finding out i'm gay and that i like him...i don't think that would've been a good idea...but as time went on...he and i have become more than friends...we are like brothers now...and in time those feelings went away...because i was there as friend...the more and more we hung out...the more and more comfortable i got to being his friend...i'm sure it would've been like that had Zamira would've came to me and told me what was really going on with her...i could've helped her go through that...cuz i've gone through it before...i pretty much preach about breaking off all ties with the past is no problem because nothing is impossible and everything takes time...but it seems that i always have trouble following my own advice...well i can't wait for my b-day to come...so i can't hang out with my family and friends...we're gonna go clubbing again this year...this time Nyque needs to come cuz i want everybody there...(sigh)...i know it's inevitable to be so vulnerable...but that doesn't mean that i should like it...i'm always caught between dwelling and trying to get through the day and focusing on the present and future...but the past has me grasped pretty bad with this Zamira situation...but well just gotta give it time...the months are flying by and it's about to be a yr since i've ended the friendship...and 2 yrs since i've seen her...sometimes i think about the day that i run into her...what would happen if i were to see her???...i'm not gonna lie...the strongest feeling i have is to ignore as if she were any random person in the street...but lately i've been all talk...but once the situation really comes up...will i really be able do that???...well i guess i'll find out when and if i do come see her again...but until then i just really have to let this go...i can't believe it's been lingering for this long...really seems ridiculous to me...


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damn i wrote a whole essay...i really vent out when i have so much inside me...then again that whole intuition thing had nothing to do with the actual topic....


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