What will be the first thing in your sights down the gay gym? All those perfect pecs, of course. What queen doesn’t want a bust as firm and endurable as Dolly Parton’s?
And we’ve all seen enough Muscle Marys with spindly legs and knockers like the Holmby Hills to know that the chest workout gets priority with the gays. Indeed, about the only time most of us bother taking a proper gander at a guys's legs is when we’ve got ‘em anchored in the air and are hollering ‘open Sesame”.
This being the ineluctable truth, the quickest way to get in shape for that hot date is by chucking in some quick tit thrusts down the gay gym. The Bosu ball is your buddy; head straight to it for some rampant push-ups and attract a guy.
Bulging biceps are where it’s all at down the gay gym. Surprising fact: the bicep is a fairly small muscle. Given the huge impact it has on the rapidity with which a gay guy drops his knickers this is one of life’s delicious ironies.
Guns equal bums. You can't go wrong with this classic arm curl. But aim to add more weight each time. Then apply the ‘lift to failure rule’. This means you lift as heavy a weight as you possibly can. However, be warned: don’t do this constantly, or you risk knackering your nervous system. But for a quick pump up, this is the way to go.
Bulge those biceps!
Few sights down the gay gym are as alluring as a slick tricep line through an extra-skinny t-shirt. It’s the triceps, rather than the biceps, that give your arms the dimensions you need to get laid. So no slacking.
Simple rule: every time you perform an exercise in which you push, you’re teasing those triceps. Get going with tricep dips and bench presses. But also exercises that isolate the triceps. These include Tricep Extensions, Pushdowns, and the French Press. Fast results guaranteed.
Galvanize those Glutes. It’s only by working out the Glutes that you’re going to get the holy grail of the gay gym: the bubble butt. Too many people aren’t aware of this – or ignore it at their peril. Squats, single-leg Glute bridges, and side-lying leg raises are quick and easy. Sure-fire ways to neaten up your nether regions to attract a guy.
Butt buffet, anyone?
Worst-case scenario here. You have just one day to get pool-side orgy ready for ‘dinner party’ of the year in Province Town. How are you going to ensure your Bratwurst is at the top of the platter in the veritable men buffet which surely awaits?
Screw long-term fitness goals here. Narcissism rules supreme. Brace yourself for a workout which targets all muscle groups in one frenetic session. Feeling brave? You need to be.. We’re talking cardio, followed three sets of 12 reps on high-intensity machines targeting one muscle group at a time. Or if you’re really hard-core substitute free weights for the machines. Conclude with abs, crunches, leg raises – the full whammy.
The good news first: there’s plenty you can do to give your body a boost down the gay gym. Now the bad news: you need to have put in the real hard work first. Yes, we all know gay men can be deluded. But there are limits. One can’t gorge on Haribo for six months straight, then traipse down the gay gym for one fast ‘n furious session and expect to flounce out looking like Zac Efron. It ain’t gonna happen.
So…chill out. Get a gym programme. A routine. Some discipline. Some staying power. A trainer, if necessary. And calm down. Rest, refuel, avoid plateauing. Go at it frantically, and you’ll only do damage.
You get out what you put in. Not dissimilar to sex really. Unless you’re really unlucky and mangle the most vital muscle of them all…
What are you tips on how to attract a guy? Share the exercises that have worked for you at the gay gym by commenting below.
Images: model released from Shutterstock.com
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