There’s no denying that cocks come in all shapes and sizes, but whether you’ve got a chipolata or tonsil twister, all beef bayonets work in the same way - and without the blood pumping, you can forget a good pounding. So how do you avoid the ultimate shame of not being able to perform? Gays.com takes a cheeky look. 

 

No one loves a porker  

A shelf of flab suspended above your nether regions serves only two functions: 1. As somewhere to place your pint while ordering another and 2. As a prompt for someone to exclaim ‘fart and give us a clue’ when you drop your knickers and challenge them to pinpoint your Grand Canyon. Splurging on sugar can lead to decreased blood circulation in your body, with all paths leading back to your wanger. Rule number one: anything that is bad for your heart is also bad for your boner. 

 

Boozing and banging

Everyone knows about Brewers’ droop. Too much booze may fuel your desire, but it can leave you lustful and limp when it comes to getting to full mast and staying there. A lifetime of heavy drinking damages your liver and your nerves which, in turn, affects sex hormone levels – leading to the dreaded erectile dysfunction. 

 

Sleeping as well as shagging

Ensure that you use your bed for its primary function – sleeping, not just fucking. Too many sleepless nights slash your testosterone levels. Watch out for stress too, as this bolsters levels of the hormone adrenaline, thereby contracting blood vessels.

 

Forget the fags

Does anyone still think smoking is sophisticated? One sure fire way to get the gays to quit is to emphasise the impact that nicotine can have on your hardon. Again, it all comes down to making those blood vessels contract, meaning you'll barely be able to tap jelly let alone pummel the prostate. 

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Sexy smoker?  

Don’t become a stay at home wife

Spending too much time hiding indoors in darkened rooms (yes, beware Chillout Queens) means you’re cutting your exposure to Vitamin D, which has a knock-on effect on your testosterone levels, according to researchers.
 

Exercise for erection

This one surely shouldn’t be too hard for body-obsessed gays – regular exercise! Aerobic exercises such as running and swimming are the deadly enemies of erectile dysfunction. But a word of warning: avoid too much activity that puts excessive pressure on the perineum (that vital area between your balls and your bucket) – and yes, this could well include those dodgy sexual positions. Oh, and too much cycling has also been adversely linked to one’s ability to sustain a rigid crossbar.

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Work it, girl! 


But don’t become a steroid queen  

That Muscle Mary down the gym who won’t give you the time of day, well, guess what – she’s got less than a tantalising tool and more twitching toothpick down below. Anabolic steroids shrivel your scrote and sap its ability to create testosterone. Oh, and steroids can make you bald and very moody – AVOID!

 


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