Modern life is busy. Before you know it, you’re not getting so much as even a little light fellatio before dawn. Indeed, the only person you’re busting those balls for is your ungrateful boss. Urgent action is required.
Yes, it may sound unnecessarily prescriptive, but given you schedule everything else so tightly, it’s time to devote a slot to your far-too neglected box being filled in. And keep to it. The next challenge is to keep those sex slots fresh and exciting (see below for ideas!)
Long-term relationships can become stale. People change, and old mother time is a merciless mistress. His once washboard abs now resemble a knackered mattress in a Nevada brothel. And as for what was once the face of a Botticelli angel, it’s frankly now hard to distinguish it from a map of the Himalayas.
But there must be something about him that still gets you off. Whether it’s the twinkle in his eye or the gape of his one-eyed monster (that, at least, never ages!), focus in on that. And this brings us to our next point…
Desire and memory are intricately linked. There are some sexual encounters which we can never forget. They lie in our masturbatory drawer of fodder for years. Your loving husband will indeed feature in some of the lurid escapades.
Forget about living in the present moment while you’re lying on your back all helium heels. Sex in long-term relationships frequently involves befriending a time machine. Close your eyes and delve deep into (the undeniably steamier) past as he drives deep into your inner cavern.
Stress is a machete-wielding serial killer when it comes to sex. Work on alleviating it from your life with whatever techniques are necessary. Step one is changing the way you communicate with your partner. No more talk about work. Focus on the future: holidays, outings, plans for him to wine you, dine you then 69 you. The joy – and spunk – will soon start to flow again.
No more talk about work - focus on the future!
And while we’re talking about canny communication, embrace technology. To rekindle the flame, you need to whet your appetites. Fire off unthinkably obscene messages which you know he’ll read in the middle of some frightfully complicated corporate merger meeting. Get imaginative and filthy.
Your sex life should be treated the same way as your gym workout. It needs a regular overhaul to yield real results. Ditch the vanilla and branch out into kink. Get as adventurous as you like. Banish the cookbooks and DIY and dive into depravity. Set yourself agreed on targets and explore them together. Check out our sister site Fetish.com for endless inspiration – but be warned, kink is infectious!
Nothing wrong with a little bit of visual stimulation indulged in together. Treat it as an education – or, even better, combine it with you kink adventures. But remember your focus should still be on him. If you’re lasered in on Bruno Whatever’s Brazilian Beast to the total exclusion of your better half, you’ve got a problem.
Opening up your relationship to threesomes or full-throttle orgies is indeed an option. But only go there if you’re both in agreement – and not just because you feel it’s the last resort. The right spare part can certainly rev up a tired, rusting old engine. But crucially both you and your partner should have your hands on that joystick – and be supplying the grease.
If none of the above work, then it’s time for a major re-evaluation. Tough questions must be asked: on what levels is this relationship still working? Is that enough? What compromises can you come to? What are you both prepared to accept?
Try getting to know one another all over again. Jumpstart the sex with romance and excitement. Recreate those special moments of which you’ve lost track. Keep reminding yourself of the unique bond you have.
As I say this, I envisage thousands of homosexuals collapsing into puddles of gin and regret and frantically fanning themselves Marlene Dietrich memorabilia. Here goes: just because you’re gay does not mean you’re a twenty-four seven fuck machine. Repeat, repeat – and memorise.
Gay men always think they should be having more sex. It’s what we do – or what we’re told we should do. Will the world end just because your once rampant games of hide the salami have gone on an apparently permanent sabbatical? No. So Relax. Take the pressure off. Everything comes in cycles, so fear not, the Growler that resembles the Gobi Desert today will be gushing like a geyser again before long.
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