One of the main issues for gay men without gay male friends comes from the past. Yes, here we go again: the hideosity of growing up gay in a straight world! Who can remember having gay friends in primary school? There we have the crux of the problem.
Too many of us just have no childhood experience of gay male friends. We were steeped in the horrors of hetero-dominated footie. And if we did recognise another oh too timid boy whose life was made a living nightmare for being “a sissy”, we were too frightened to approach him for fear our true identity would be flushed out by association.
“Other gay men just want to fuck me”. “All I get are Friends with Benefits”. “We're Fuck buddy obsessed”. These are the three most common complaints of gay men without a vast coterie of gay male friends.
There’s no doubt about it: gay culture can be highly-sexualised. Indeed, urban city centres frequently resemble rampant knocking shops on an industrial scale. The boundaries, then, often seem to be blurred when it comes to gay male friends.
Gay men can be insanely competitive when it comes to everything from career to cock – and especially the latter. The inevitable consequence of this can, at times, seem like a permanent shadeathon which can make RuPaul’s Drag Race look like a yoga retreat.
But it doesn’t have to be like this. Indeed, if it is, perhaps you need to ask yourself if you’re living too much in a gay bubble. It’s a lot of work to be vile 24/7 – though some certainly seem to manage.
There’s no denying it: some gay men have ideas way above their stazione. They can flounce about acting like they shit unicorns. The arrogance and attitude can, at times, seem to know no bounds. Given this, it’s little wonder that some of us would rather have dinner with Lucrezia Borgia than a double date with the frankly noxious ‘A-Gay’ with whom we double-dipped in Province Town in 2002.
Gay men and the Peter Pan complex. Dragging your colostomy bag around clubs into your sixties may well be unseemly. But some do it, and shamelessly advertise the sordid escapades on their Insta, because they’re so down with the kids.
Gay men without gay male friends may well feel that they have grown out of the weekend benders. Fair enough. But the problem is that like a reformed prossie they may become somewhat too judgmental of others. Like those who still choose to spend three-quarters of their week in a coke-induced comedown. Worse yet, they may assume that all other gay men of their age are like this. Generalisations are damaging – to others and us.
Ladies who lunch and a particular type of gay man (the aforementioned ‘A-Gay’) have one thing in common. They tend to collect friends with the same gusto with which they purchase the latest Dolce and Gabbana accessories.
Said friends, therefore, fall into two categories. Both of which are designed to bolster the insatiable ego of the ‘owner’: 1) A friend is either considered far from as alluring as ‘owner’. 2) A friend is deemed just about equal to ‘owner’ in aesthetic appeal – but, crucially, never hotter than him. It cannot be stressed enough: there is a special place reserved in hell for the type of gay men who select friends based upon looks.
A friendship should be entered for genuine reasons. It must have substance. A mutual adoration of Olympic Chorizo-guzzling is not a sufficient foundation on which to build a nurturing and enduring relationship with a gay male friend.
What do you have in common? Get out of the gay ghetto and seek friends from all areas of life. Among these, you will inevitably find some gay male friends. Join a club, get cultural or even charitable, immerse yourself in a community – basically, stop being such a self-centred cow. The right people will then come to you – and you’ll stick with them along this crazy journey.
The curse of modern gayhood: endless measuring and comparison. You don’t think you’re ‘gay enough’ to have gay male friends. Or, in other words, you consider other gay men far too embarrassing to be around: they’re all screaming queens who make an unholy show of themselves absolutely wherever they go. Why can’t they just blend in and be ‘the new normal’?
If your thoughts go along these lines, take a moment to consider that the problem may be with you. Still at war with that inner gay part of yourself? Internalised homophobia, perchance?
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