Is stating "no Blacks, no Asians" on a dating profile acceptable? No, argues Alex Hopkins. It's sexual racism and needs to be challenged.
"I’m not racist. It’s my preference and I’ve got a right to express it." This was the reply I received on a gay hookup app when I challenged a member about his profile text: "No Blacks, no Asians. Whites only."
I’m not in the habit of confronting other gay men about what they write on their profiles. Live and let live, and all that. But after seeing at least 10 other taglines which employed similar language, I’d had enough. "Sexual racism" - the use of language in a way which excludes, generalises and belittles - to define sexual taste is an unpleasant by-product of our internet age. The time had come for me to call people out on it.
What is racism?
Was the person who wrote this racist? From a few words alone it is perhaps not possible to ascertain if the writer habitually practises racist behaviour, but by using words which segregate on the basis of ethnic background, that person is drawing upon a set of judgments already made about a person - an individual they do not know - based purely on the colour of his skin. Words may come cheap, but they are also powerful: prejudice only becomes part of the legislature when it is written down, and is thereby sanctioned. When you’re hiding behind the anonymity of a computer screen it’s easier to lapse into abuse: casually racist language sucks us into the myth of separatism, into treating other races as inferior. Is having “no blacks” emblazoned across the top of your bulging torso picture any less dangerous than a “whites only” sign on a beach in Apartheid South Africa?
“My type”
A common defense of “sexual racism” is that the person who exhibits it is merely stating his sexual preference. Gay men, some argue, have fought endless battles to be able to loudly proclaim their right to have sex with anyone they choose. Their sexual preferences are sacred - even if they contradict other beliefs they claim to have.
Gay male history has largely been shaped by persecution based upon sexual desire. How bizarre then that now that gay men have won unprecedented rights in the eyes of the law some feel that they have the right to mark out others for vilification. The problem with rights is that when those who have been deprived of them for so long finally start to win them, they often become rather forgetful and self-righteous about who else deserves them.
Being “honest” about the “type” of person you want to have sex with (another tedious, common defense) perpetuates a racist ideology that enforces another hierarchy, a pecking order that implies some people are more human - and thereby worthy of attention - than others. If you are so rigid and narrow-minded in your preferences that you can’t possibly entertain men from other races, why not exercise some sensitivity by stating who you prefer to date rather than saying ‘no blacks’, or just remain silent on the issue? To do anything else not only reeks of white-male privilege, but more more tellingly still, points to a person who is so appalled by the vision of people with darker skin, that they feel compelled to speak out and denigrate them.
Hurt
Imagine being told that you don’t live up to someone else’s ideal - that you’re unwanted, useless, fit only to be ignored or discarded. And then imagine being told this repeatedly. What impact would that have on your self-esteem? Were you one of those many gay men who was bullied as a child for being different? Too feminine, maybe? Not being good enough at football? Many of us were and those experiences scar. Casual racism is no different.
The internet is an immensely powerful tool. There is no quicker and more efficient way to spread information and influence attitudes. Racism, as history has shown, often begins quietly: a disparaging remark here, an act of exclusion there. It gathers momentum as it attracts more followers, as it silently infiltrates the collective psyche. Preconceptions drive it. None of us are born with these; they accumulate over time, based on what we hear, see or read. The recent images of US police officers attacking black men have been founded not on the reality that those black men were carrying weapons, but a warped belief that they are predisposed to violence. We all have the choice - and responsibility - to call people out on these ideas before they become endemic.
Keeping your options open
How many of us can say that we have always been sexually attracted to one type of man? Sexual tastes change over time. At 18 my first sexual experiences were predominantly with white men, but years later my bedroom would, at certain points, resemble a particularly lively meeting of delegates from the Brazilian consulate.
Being human is about being open to new experiences. Desire - unpredictable, uncontrollable, all-consuming and maddening - is forever changing as we question and grow. How many of us can confidently state - in the same dogmatic way in which we insist on a certain shade of skin - that if we were to get to know a person from one of those ethnic groups we’ve been so quick to close our minds to - that we may not fall in love with someone completely new and exciting? And how unexpected and wonderful that could be.
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